same as it ever was (talking heads)

Sunday, July 10, 2005

A Don Hughes/Johnny Ballon movie pitch (#1)

"Welcome Back Kotter: Kotter Redux"
DH: First we get either Josh Hartnett, Orlando Bloom, or Heath Ledger to play Vinnie Barbarino.
JB: Which ever one of those guys can best pull off a Brooklyn type accent. We're sort of crossing our fingers on this one but I'm positive one of them can do it.

DH: Ok, so Barbarino is going to get accused of killing a janitor, or some shit right. And Mr. Kotter played by none other than, get this, John Travolta.
JB: I bet Quentin Tarantino has a hard-on right now. That shit is so genius and fucking meta and totally bankable and shit.
DH: Well Mr. Kotter, to pay for Barbarino's legal counsel, has to go to Las Vegas and enters and wins the World Series of Poker main event to pay the legal fees.
JB: And get this, we get Gabe Kaplan to play Alan Dershowitz, I bet QT just fucking shot himself right now, In the fucking head.
DH: You guys know Gabe Kaplan is a successful poker pro now right? Well he sure as fuck is!
JB: Totally meta, meta, meta, meta, meta, meta, meta! The fucking kids love that meta shit nowadays, that shit sells.
DH: Anyhow so we're in trial and shit right. Big suspenseful courtroom drama type scenes pulling in the Law&Order/CSI/Crime show drama demographic right fucking there! But in the end the verdict is a hung trial, so in lieu of another trial the judge...
JB: Played by none other than Judge fucking Ito!!!
DH: So Judge Ito allows for a dance off between the prosecutor and Freddy "Boom Boom" Washington to decide Barbarino's fate.
JB: Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington is played by none other than Justin Timberlake. This little casting move will totally wrangle all that suburban wigger disposable income that will buy us all fucking YACHTS!
DH: So Freddie of course wins the dance off and saves Barbarino.
JB: In the meantime during the dance off Washington is able to save Juan Epstein's family's mobile Papaya Juice Cart Business.
DH: Yeah the whole Epstein family Papaya cart issue is a totally typically non-racist Hollywood subplot.
JB: Totally not racist at all, and it will kill with anyone who likes J-lo.
DH: We get Wilder Valderamma to play Juan Epstein.
JB: He fucked Lindsay Lohan! So we'll be able to get anybody who's ever wanted to fuck Lindsay Lohan to see this movie!
DH: Am I forgetting anything?
JB: Horshack.
DH: Horshack, right... We'll get DJ Qualls and stick a fucking wig on him. Then we'll have him see dead people or some shit like that.
JB: That totally brings in the M. Night Shyamalan demo.
DH: And here's the kicker, in the end the audience finds out that Barbarino actually did kill the janitor. A huge twist ending that no one was expecting. Kind of like Primal Fear or something.
JB: I saw Primal Fear like 4 or 5 times during the first weekend, I own the fucking DVD, the pricey special edition with the deleted scenes.
DH: Harvey Weinstein is going to have us on speed dial after this!
JB: This will make Star Wars look like Bio-dome!
editor's note: Don Hughes is a major Hollywood player/Johnny Ballon is a former pet agent who now resides in Hell. This was post was in green, the color of money.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lindsay Lohan should fight Queen Latifah.

Evil Pharoah, out.

Sunday, July 10, 2005 8:40:00 PM

 
Blogger Satisfied '75 said...

lindsay lohan had funbags b4 the anorexia

Monday, July 11, 2005 3:45:00 AM

 
Blogger cgpop said...

Yeah, I think they're real. I bet that Herbie movie is top notch.

Monday, July 11, 2005 9:36:00 AM

 

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