same as it ever was (talking heads)

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

A Don Hughes/Johnny Ballon movie pitch (#2)

"The Banana Splits: Camp Friendship/Murder Cartel"
DH: Ok, we're remaking huge child stars late 60's early 70's, The Banana Fucking Splits, the next big summer box office hero's here.
JB: These guys have way more appeal than those Sesame Street fags.
DH: These guys are rockers Ok, so we have them run a summer camp for kids and teach them music and take them surfing and all kinds of shit.
JB: But the camp is just like a front for the real action and plot, which will of course be...drug trafficking!
DH: They already got the plane Ok. The fucking Splits are going to move so much product in this film it'll make Blow look like an afterschool special special about decreasing drug smuggling activity.
JB: Tons of killing too, we're Americans, we fucking love to see motherfuckers kill other motherfuckers.
DH: Yes, the Splits will make Tony Montoya look like Gandhi.
JB: So the splits are running product all over the globe and torturing and murdering rival drug cartels that try to fuck with them.
DH: We are talking decadence of unprecedented levels here.
JB: Oh yeah, don't forget the hardcore furby sex that the movie is going to have. Wouldn't want to leave that out. We're talking mass furby orgies here, Caligula-esque orgy fucking.
DH: Of course, eventually the party will have to end. We'll go with a bloody power struggle, don't worry, Snorky will make it out alive, we wouldn't want to forget about the guaranteed sequel potential of this project.
JB: We know Snorky's a breakout star. Think DiCaprio in Titanic proportions here.
DH: This thing plays with all personality types. I'm a hipster, right, the Banana Splits used to suck which means they're totally cool now!
JB: Yeah the kitsch aftermarket potential is exponential with the splits, vintage splits T's, crazy splits furby masks.
DH: Dudes, hipsters in NY and LA are going to be wearing this split gear all over town. We know the trickle down hipster effect too, right? Middle America will undoubtedly follow the hipster lead here, and we're rich...I mean more rich than before.
JB: This also plays great with the grade school set. The splits were a fun lovin bunch furby guys who taught kids shit and stuff, am I right!
DH: Yeah this has family film written all over it. See this is going to open on multiple screens in the theaters. We market the Camp Friendship part for the family audience. We show the parts of the film where the splits are at camp roasting marshmallows, doing arts and crafts, the canoe rides, here we're shooting for a PG rating.
JB: Yeah, the Murder Cartel side we market the parts with the drug trafficking, and furby orgies. Hopefully we can pull off a hard R here, just miss that NC-17.
DH: Camp Friendship and Murder Cartel are, of course, the same cut, but just marketed and rated differently to pull in maximum profitability. We'll let the marketing department worry about the logistics of this.
JB: Not to mention our main demographic, people who do drugs!
DH: Everybody I know does drugs.
JB: I'm doing drugs right fucking now!
DH: Yeah, he is, look, he's snorting coke.
JB: Just after Kotter Redux got the green light at Dimension, another sure fire hit! The names Robert Evans or Don Simpson mean anything to you?
DH: We're going to ride these drug-addled, sex-crazed furbies to an opening weekend that will make Spiderman look like Critters III.
editor's note: Don Hughes wears his sunglasses at night/ Johnny Ballon picks up Satan's drycleaning.


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