same as it ever was (talking heads)

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

A Don Hughes/Johnny Ballon movie pitch (#3)

Da Hamsteer: Ya be Whishin I be Feral Mon
DH: Horror movies are hotter than hot right. But we've seen all the other domesticated animals in horror vehicles. Dogs, Cujo right. Cats, there's something with cats right JB.
JB: Yeah I think I saw something with telekinetic cats who explode people's brains like in Scanners. It was on FX or something. Shit, if I'm wrong let's pipeline that.
DH: Bitchin, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. A killer hamster from Jamaica who knows Voodoo and shit like that.
JB: This is one mean fucking hamster, he like ate his parents and siblings. We can even open with that.
DH: Genius. So then he gets shipped here to the states to like an evil pet store.
JB: Oh shit, we can use the same evil pet store from Gremlins with the fake smoke and the Chinese dude.
DH: Great idea, maybe they're even looking for Gremlins, but, "sorry folks all out only Voodoo hamsters from Jamaica available tonight."
JB: Yeah don't worry either the audience will know he's a Jamaican hamster because we'll slap some dreadlocks on him. We can staple them if need be.
DH: Yeah the great thing about working with hamsters is that they're so replaceable, not as recognizable to the audience as dogs or cats.
JB: They can do their own stunts, oops one died, they only cost like three bucks or something.
DH: Yeah and don't worry about those PETA freaks, say we run through something like 250 or 300 hamsters during principle photography we still put the disclaimer, "No animals were harmed during filming blah blah blah". They hardly ever check.
JB: But if they do we got PETA's president with some incriminating photos of a sexual encounter between him and a goat.
DH: We probably won't even need to use those though, tell them what you were telling me about Free Willy.
JB: Do you guys know how many Free Willy's they ran through? At least 17, they lost 15 or so of those in the scene where Willy jumps over the kid on the rocks.
DH: You don't even want to know how many child stunt actors died shooting that scene. So anyway hamsters are easy to work with.
JB: So we get either Jennifer Love Hewitt, Neve Campbell, or Sara Michelle Gellar to play the chick with the rack that stops the hamster. Hopefully we get JLH she has the biggest rack.
DH: Yeah so people are mysteriously running in place all over small town USA here and dying of cardiac arrest, but no one knows it's the evil Jamaican hamster doing this.
JB: The hamster fashions little voodoo dolls out of his wood chips in the likeness of his victims. We can totally CGI these parts.
DH: Then he slaps them on his running wheel and people start to dying and shit.
JB: Of course no one can figure this out except for the stupid chick with the huge Gams who was really disappointed that the paterfamilias didn't bring home a Gremlin that night from the evil pet shop. So she has always hated the hamster and therefore can see through it's furriness and petablility.
DH: Sure also say she's the only person with good eyesight OK. So she's the only person with good enough eyesight to see the dreadlocks, couple this with the fact that she had to take a course on Jamaican history at the local community college, she puts two and two together. Plus since everyone but her is wearing glasses in the movie, we can do huge product placement with the Lens Crafters people.
JB: Fucking brilliant! So we open this thing on Ground Hog's day, a huge woodland creature tie-in too.
DH: Promo spots saying "The Ground Hog may still be in the hole, but look out... Because da Hamsteer is on da wheel mon."
JB: And don't worry because we have people who can make that fucking Ground Hog stay in that fucking hole.
DH: Plus who didn't want to own a hamster when they were a little kid? But did anyone really ever have one, fuck no, because hamsters are basically worthless. But all these people will have this unsatisfied hamster longing. This is our audience which comprises...oh I don't know, everyone!
JB: Plus let's not forget about the massive amounts of illegals in this country. Millions upon millions, the hamster can be like their hero or something, they're all not from America right. This is an untapped market with possible explosive revolutionary powers, and the hamster can be their mascot.
DH: Right, loot and riot guys, just make sure you see this movie opening weekend.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funny shit! Gams are legs, by the way.

Thursday, August 18, 2005 10:15:00 AM

Blogger cgpop said...

Thanks. Also did not know gams were legs, you learn something new everyday.

Thursday, August 18, 2005 5:28:00 PM

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