same as it ever was (talking heads)

Friday, August 05, 2005

GUARANTEED weight loss strategy


If you're anything like me, you get tired of all the weight loss commercials and dieting methods out there. Sure the Atkins diet may work, but it will send your cholesterol through the roof. Tae Bo may help you lose weight, but do you really want your friends finding out you do some stupid shit like that? Fuck no. Don't worry folks, I'm here to share a sure-fire way to drop those unwanted pounds. Dying. I promise you Marlon Brando weighs less than I do, the simple reason behind his weight loss plan is that he died. He no longer has to worry about high cholesterol or stupid work out routines. I know what you guys are thinking, "Hey cgpop man, you're a genius, but the only thing wrong with dying is you never know when it's going to happen." Totally right, that's why if you have series weight issues that need to be handled immediately you might as well go ahead and facilitate the whole process by offing yourself. Killing yourself will guarantee that you die, and dying is a weight loss method that is GUARANTEED to keep the POUNDS off. If you need any tips on killing yourself may I suggest renting the 1985 John Cusak comedy vehicle Better Off Dead. This film offers up many helpful ways to ending your life (jumping off an overpass, skiing the K-12, etc.) and it's funny, and let's face it, you may as well as get your laughs in if this weight loss method is appealing to you. So if you're serious about not having to count those pesky carbs anymore, this weight loss program may work for you.

editor's note: Playing a Black Sabbath record backwards may also help kick-start this plan.

3 Comments:

Blogger Martin McFriend said...

Preach on. Ever since I died, not only have I been eternally skinny, but I've also recognized strange otherworldly powers like being able to fire eye beams and having unnatural quickness with a scimtar.

Sunday, August 07, 2005 1:10:00 PM

 
Blogger cgpop said...

I don't know if the eye-beam thing would work for everybody, but that's another possible perk of this weight loss program. Thanks for intell on that one Marty.

Sunday, August 07, 2005 2:54:00 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Best regards from NY! recipe for natural skin care product

Sunday, March 04, 2007 10:46:00 PM

 

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