same as it ever was (talking heads)

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

The "Objective"


I recently finished up my second tour o' duty in school and I'm currently looking for a job. So I've been sending out my resumes and shit and trying to set up some interviews. The reason I bring this up is because of the Objective section of the resume. You always end up putting some bullshit like, "I want to combine my blah blah and blah blah blah so I can hopefully end up taking this job only to end up slaving away as you assholes pile on the workload until I can't see straight". Or they go something like that, you get the drift, they're basically full of shit. Anyway I'd really like to put more of "truthful" objective section on my resume, if I had the opportunity it may read something like this.

My objective in looking for successful employment go a little like this. Actually let's go ahead and get this out of the way first, these aren't really objectives it's more like a wishlist... or a set of demands... yeah demands, let's go with demands. First I'm a fairly lazy guy who doesn't so much like to get up early, so I'll be swinging by the office around noon, most days, meaning if I get really drunk the night before you'll be lucky to see me at all (You can stuff Friday's up your ass too). The reason I'm going to be late and often times hungover is because it's my objective to not really put forth too much effort here at the old corporation. Next I'll go ahead and take some type of corner office, don't worry it doesn't have to be on the top floor or anything. Actually I'd prefer it on a lower floor so I can escape before everyone else in case of a fire. I'll of course have a secretary, scratch that, four different rotating secretaries (I don't need five, I've already discussed my Friday routine of skipping work). I'd like each of them to be exotic looking and hail from different corners of the globe. Let's go Japanese, Russian, Brazilian, and Swedish. I'd prefer if their English was broken, but if they're super hot and have good English I'll accept that, I guess. See, my objective while working here is to get laid... on a daily basis... by exotic chicks with broken English. As for the rest of my co-workers, I'll only expect them to call my Overlord, no wait, Sir Overlord, that has a nice ring don't you think? Anyway they will basically worship the very ground I walk on like the ancient Greeks did Zeus. They will give up all other religions and if they refuse there will be ethnic cleansing not seen since Columbus and his ilk rolled through the Americas. See my objective here is to basically enslave a bunch of people and set up a whole Island of Dr. Moreau type deal right in the heart of the city (we don't have to get into all those specifics right now, just know that later on you'll more than likely have to marry a sheep). Anyway, these are my demands, I hope they can be met. You can hit me back at cultgoespop@gmail.com Thanks, it's been real.

4 Comments:

Blogger Satisfied '75 said...

i'd hire ye.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005 12:34:00 AM

 
Blogger CHW said...

Honesty...I like it.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005 4:56:00 PM

 
Blogger cgpop said...

Yar matey. You would of course be spared and promoted to Zod-like status as well (it was only a matter of time before I co-opted all of your guys vernacular).

Wednesday, August 31, 2005 6:07:00 PM

 
Blogger Satisfied '75 said...

Yar. We'd be well met.

Friday, September 02, 2005 5:51:00 AM

 

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