same as it ever was (talking heads)

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Show them your pissed

Did someone close to you forget to send you a gift on your birthday? Did your closest friend steal your dog and sell it to a pharmaceutical company for "testing" to support their crack habit? And after you took the time to drive them home from the hospital after they had their spleen removed. Well, may be your EQUALIZER! A horrible gift with a sarcasticly phrased card may be just the revenge you're looking for. Below I'll list some terrible gift ideas along with an assholish note attached.

Dear Jim,

I really hope you like these sea monkeys! See they expand when you pour water on them. Hmmm, does this remind me of anything in particular? Oh yeah, it does, it's kind of like when you fucked my girlfriend in a hot-tub last month. I hope you die.

Dear Allison,

I thought you might enjoy this Oxi Clean! It's a great product, it can clean anything from "tough organic dirt" to "Stains and odors on carpet". See I was reading this product description and thought this would be a great gift for you seeing as you gave me crabs last summer. Oh yeah, it doesn't say so on the Jug-O-Oxi-Clean but the stuff really tastes good if you drink it. You should drink a lot of it.

Dear Henry,

Man I saw this Fart Detector and thought of you immediately. It's not that you fart so much, but you really smell terrible. Seeing as corporate had to make some cutbacks and we both work in the same cubicle now I thought this would be a great gift idea for you! Yeah see, you smell so fucking bad, that I think the loud warning would constantly go off and force you to take a shower. You smell so bad you want to make me throw up.

p.s. I fucked your girlfriend and gave her crabs

Dear New Super Hip Indie Rock Band,

See, it's great that Cokemachineglow and Pitchforkmedia have deemed you guys rock's next "It" band, but I purchased your cd and feel quite different. See, I don't mind the occasional hand clap in a song, but 12 out of 12 your tracks employ this technique. Track #10 is just someone clapping sarcastically w/o any other instrumental or vocal accompaniment. Track #11 is a bunch of people clapping at a football game. Track #12 is two people playing "patty cake patty cake baker man". So I've decided to purchase the clapper for you guys. Here's to hoping you all quickly form heroine addictions.

Dear Sis,

A wedding is a special time in anyone's life. So to celebrate this momentous and life-altering decision you've made I've purchased the Chia Pet for you. There's no real significant reason behind this gift, only know that I still remember the day when you lost my Boba Fett action figure and mom wouldn't buy me a new one because she said I was too old for "that kind of thing". I was only fifteen, you BITCH!!! I hope you get divorced numerous times.


Anonymous bones said...

Nice ones...

And, you're right, there are a lot of indie hand-clap songs, aren't there? But, they always seem to work on me. Of course, I still laugh at any fart joke, too...

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 11:50:00 PM

Blogger cgpop said...

I don't mind the hand claps, the joke just kind of fit.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005 9:18:00 AM

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Anonymous d said...

I remember one of the commercials that went with the clapper (may be still on tv not sure)... It featured this little tiny old lady & was hilarious when she clapped to shut out the bedroom lights..
funny stuff!

Saturday, October 01, 2005 2:07:00 PM

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