same as it ever was (talking heads)

Monday, October 31, 2005

Worst book...ever

Actually don't search inside, save yourself time and money. I'm sure this isn't groundbreaking news to anybody, but I am Charlotte Simmons is probably one of the worst books I've ever read, and I read The Davinci Code (just kidding, does that mean I'm still making fun of the Davinci Code or no?). Anyway I enjoyed Bonfire of the Vanities and kinda liked A Man In Full (the end sucked, a telling precursor to IACS). I truly got embarrassed for Tom Wolfe when I read this book, I think he's a talented author but he not handle whatsoever on college life in the new millennium. It was like reading a bad parody on college life (the dialogue is actually unintentionally hilarious, the only reason I really kept reading), but only it he wasn't doing a parody, he was pretty serious about the subject matter. I just opened the book at random, I knew I'd be able to find a terrible passage (p.302)...

In the row of vehicles just ahead of them, some great, strapping young men were up on the truck bed of a pickup, engaged in a beer fight. There was no missing their "ripped" bodies, that being Tyson's term for lean, highly defined muscular builds, since practically all were naked except for the shorts that hung down on their hips. Barks of anger, cries of laughter, thrashing arms. One of them produces a punctured can of beer and sprays another in the face from two feet away. "Die, asshole!" the victim yells in a macho voice, whereupon he throws himself upon his assailant and they go crashing to the truck-bed floor. Knees, feet, legs, shoulders, grimaces, bloodred faces pop up and crash as they grapple. Over the pickup's radio, a throaty young woman wails in the pell-mell cadence of the new pop music craze, crunk:"-spears her haunches Dirty Sanchez dude what wants her nude and slutty pseudo-ruts her butt so rudely taunts her..." Other, including a regular young giant, maybe six foot six, rangy but with muscles everywhere, stands over the combatants, cheering ironically and egging them on. Behind the giant another boy sneaks up, holding a jumbo plastic cup of beer in the air as if he were about to throw a baseball. "Hey Mac!" he says. The giant turns about, and the boy hurls his beer bomb, cup and all, at his midsection. The beer goes all over Mac. It soaks his shorts clear down to the crotch. "Oh you dick!" roars Mac as he goes at him, but the boy dodges and vaults over the side of the truck bed and down to the asphalt. "Come on back up here, you wuss, and fight like a wuss!" And on it goes, as the crunk singer wails, "Gots the curse her pad her madder hearse her cold cunt cash her outta door..."

editor's note: I wish that this passage were a joke, but sadly no. Oh Tom Wolfe, how will I ever be able to write something as funny as that! I fucking opened a page at random!!! So fucking baaaaaad. There's, remarkably, worse shit than that in the book, I'm not kidding.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Disturbing...even by my standards

"Ahhh yeah girl, how you doin?"
"You got it goin on shorty, holla."
"I love a woman with a walker, it matches your hair girl, silver, I like me some silver, I bet you got some more silver."
"Speak up, I can't hear so well."
"Hearing impared too, that's two for two, you're a sexy bitch."
"I bet you got some of those false teeth? I love me some dentures girl!"
"Are you my grandson?"
"Ohhh, freaky shit, yeah, I'll play along, I'm kinda freaky myself...Yeah grandma, let's get you off your feet, put on some George Gershwin, maybe watch an Al Jolson flick, what you say?"
"Are you my friend Mable?"
"I like where this is headed, this Mable you speak of, she going to join us, I bet you ladies are, well, experienced. I like me some more experienced ladies."
"You're not my grandson, or Mable! Get away from me, robber, robber, get away!"
"Hey baby lower your voice, I'm just tryin to buy a shorty a Manhattan, maybe play some bingo, I bet you like bingo. Hey stop hitting me with that purse."
"Robber, Robber!"
"Uncool girl, I can take a hint, what you got in that purse? Bricks? Damn, can't a playa just holla at a shorty? Fuck this, I'm off to the early bird special at the cafeteria joint down the road."

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Favorite 100 Songs List: 10-1!!!!!!!

10. "Blue Monday": New Order; The Best of New Order Ummm, this is a pretty obvious pick (like most of the top ten). No one has, before or since, been able to meld dance songs into pop hits quite like New Order. They are a tragically under-rated band, remarkably still cranking out solid music. Their musical canon is stellar, but this song is still the crown jewel.

9. "How Soon Is Now?": The Smiths; The Best of the Smiths, Volume 1 Everyone has that friend (sometimes, more than one) that hates British music. Well this is the song that that Brit rock hating friend of yours likes. I had a room-mate in college who thought I listened to weird music, a conversation we once had..."Dude what was that song you were listening to in your room a little while ago?" "I don't know, how does it sound?" "The guitar sounds like, well, like weeeuuuuuuuuu, kinda like that." "It's How Soon is Now, by the Smiths, I thought you hated my music?" "I do, but I love that song". Johnny Marr's guitar is perfect and Morrissey has never been better.

8. "One More Time": Daft Punk; Discovery People who hate house music? This is the song they like, if they tell you they don't they are lying to you. I can understand why people don't like Daft Punk or dance music in general (I like both) but somehow this song is able to transcend the preconceived notions people have about house music. Note to wedding DJ's, why the fuck don't you dudes play this at weddings? I'm fucking sick of hearing tired late 80's early 90's rap songs at weddings. Trust me this song is infinitely more danceable (and cooler) than "Baby got Back".

7. "Where is my Mind?": The Pixies; Surfer Rosa Haunting is the best way to describe this song. Immediate chill inducer. The lyrics, backing vocals, main vocals,lead guitar, bass, drums, acoustic guitar, all money. Using this song at the end of Fight Club only adds to the mystic that it possesses. Please don't tell me you don't like this song Max, please.

6. "Disintegration": The Cure; Disintegration Recognized by most as the Cure's best album, the self-title track is the highlight (impressive considering the utter solidness of the whole thing). Driving bass and synthesizers help sustain the 8+ minute run time. This is a song of epic proportions, a longer song that doesn't lag at any time, the whole thing is top notch. The breaking glass is a nice touch too.

5. "Love Will Tear Us Apart": Joy Division; 24 Hour Party People Sad, gloomy, fantastic. I'm not much of a lyrics guy (this is probably why I like dance music, and am not that much into the singer/songwriter set) but I've always liked the "love will tear us apart again" lyric in this song, simple and yet somehow tragic (I can't understand anything else he's saying really). As for the music, tight and manic with great atmospherics, spectacular really.

4. "There Goes The Fear": Doves; The Last Broadcast The whole song is great, but the "You turned around and life's passed you by...think of me when you're coming down..." parts are so good that they alone warranted such a high ranking on my list. I can see a direct Talking Heads influence in this song (circa Remain In Light). Coldplay could never dream of making a song this good.

3. "Idioteche": Radiohead; Kid A This is the exact point where a lot of people fell off the Radiohead turnip truck, to me it's their hands down finest moment. I'm afraid that this exact song on this album was the peak of Radiohead (it's been a somewhat downhill slide since this point, at least in my eyes, Hail To The thief was half good, I'd rather not really talk about Amnesiac). In my mind, RH was just making music that made them happy on this album since then I thing they've cracked under the pressure to re-create Ok Computer, a discussion for a later time I guess. Anyway, I love this song, an unstoppable force in my eyes.

2. "Born Under Punches (The Heat Goes On)": Talking Heads; Remain in Light Starts off RIL with a BANG! I remember the first time I popped this CD in, I couldn't get past this song. I probably listened to it six or seven times straight, I was floored (and still am today by it). The great thing about this song is that the Heads and Eno are both able to shine. The polyrhthmic Heads elements and Eno mid-song freakout complement each other perfectly. David Byrne sounds extra paranoid on this track, you gotta love that.

1. "This Must Be The Place (Naive Melody)": Talking Heads; Speaking In Tongues Where to start? Let's start with a non-hyperbole alert, this is a true not blown out of proportion statement, I know two things that are certainties...first, I will one day die, second, I'll never like another song as much as I like this song. That would be impossible. Another fact of sorts (I may have been exaggerating with "How Soon" and "One More" but everyone, I mean EVERYONE who hears this song immediately loves it, it's a fucking scientifically proven fact of life). If you happen to not like this song...A. you're a liar and B. maybe you shouldn't read this blog anymore. I spoke some of lyrics earlier in the post, well I love the lyrics to this song. I've had many discussions over the meaning of it, many to most people I've encountered think it's a happy song (I've been given the Wallstreet example to reinforce this point, you know the scene in WS where Chuck Sheen buys the cool place on the Upper East Side and yuppie's it out to the max, pasta maker what have you, him and Darryl Hannah seem all happy and in love, this song plays as the montage rolls. So people cite this song as being happy b/c it was used in a happy point in this movie. Well sad to inform you, but if you hold this view you're sadly mistaken. In fact it's a sort of foreshadowing to Chuck's downfall, selling the place, losing the girl, getting thrown in jail. See Chuck was very naive to the fact that he get away with all the insider trading and bad business ethics, much like the melody in this song, very happy sounding, is naive to the actual substance or lyrical content of the song) but it's not, it's about David Byrne not knowing if he's being taken advantage of by a girlfriend (what have you), if she just loves him because he's famous or not. Anyway, in terms of music, the song is flawless. This song is the one thing I'd take to the deserted island if I was allowed it. Perfect.

editor's note: That took awhile

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

A wiley bunch

Why are monsters always trying to kill people? Abandonment issues? They always seem to live alone, a very secluded bunch if you'll allow me that. They never seem to be hanging out with anyone, no real family or friends, no sort of support group. Maybe if they moved out of the woods, haunted houses, abandoned museum parks, what have you and got a nice starter home in the suburbs or maybe rented in some sort of young professional community in an urban area, they'd make some friends and they wouldn't feel the need to maim and dismember everyone they come in contact with. This train of thought leads me elsewhere, maybe (after moving out of scary location) new hobbies would be in order, you know instead of cutting people's heads off with they could take up poker or windsurfing, more socially acceptable hobbies (that would in turn gain them some company, company that they are sooo clearly lacking).

Folks, I must bring up the point that when us humans come in contact with monsters, we usually don't help them deal with any of these obvious self-esteem issues that they have with themselves. Our natural reaction is to scream and run away (rather haphazardly) in an opposite direction from the monster. The natural reaction of the monster (or anyone in an instance like this) is to become upset. The yelling and running away triggers self-loathing in the monster that manifests itself in truly unsocial ways, ways that usually included intestines hanging around the deserted house like Halloween decorations. May I suggest some different ways to handle a situation of monster running into if it ever occurs to you. First off let's start with an example. You and your sweetie just had a romantic candlelit dinner in a fancy restaurant. What to do next? "How about we run up to the scary lake where that kid drowned a couple of summers back and have some weird role playing type sex, you know, I'll be a camp counselor and you can be an underage yet sexy camper looking for the marshmallows that you left behind at the bonfire we can start to get it on and end nicely with a chilly dog. How about it honey?" "Sounds great to me!". Let me stop you there. Maybe the scary lake isn't the best place to give your sweetie a chilly dog. A kid died there and it's deserted, definitely a monster lurking around somewhere. So, you don't heed my advice and you continue on to scary lake. When you, inevitably, run into the monster don't follow your first inclination to scream and run away, instead, introduce yourself, try to shake hands with him, ask if he wants to join in, invite him to a party that you're throwing next week. These strategies just might save your life (no one wants to see their girlfriend get fucked by a fucking monster while watching and presumably crying, but this option is much better than dying). Let's say that the monster accepts the invitation to the party (disaster averted). You've got another problem, what to do when the monster shows up at the party? First off all make sure everyone at the party is aware that the monster will be showing up, if the screaming and running away starts, a blood bath will ensue all over your brand new carpet (hardwood floors are much better for blood baths, assuming you survive to clean it up). The monster will probably show up with a machete, it's just in their nature, you'll want to remove this item and put it in the coat room and assure the monster they'll be able to retrieve it after the party comes to a close. Get them a cocktail instead (nothing to heavy, monsters, although very scary and deadly are probably lightweights when it comes to alcohol consumption, and if they get too drunk a lamp can easily get broken). Introduce them around, try to set them up with one of your girlfriend's single friends. Invite them to your coed softball game on Sunday afternoon, anything to make them feel comfortable and less murderous. Make sure you have some monster friendly tunes sitting around the house, Joy Division, Bauhaus, the "Monster Mash" all should be readily available.

Now you've become friends with a monster, sounds kind of bad maybe? Right? Fuck no! This is what you want. You now have a killing machine in the very palm of your hand. Girlfriend cheats on you, dead. Boss an asshole at work, dead. Doorman giving you shit at new trendy bar, you get the picture. You can basically become an evil type dude to get back at everyone who has ever slighted you in your life. The great thing about monsters is that they don't die! They may seem like they are dead but they never really are. You now have the ultimate trump card, and that's what we're all looking for really isn't it? Your friend just got a promotion at work? You hang out with a monster who can insert themselves in your friend's dreams and all the dreams of his/her family and have them killed if you so feel like it. Sounds to me like some sort of monthly fee can be hammered out between the two parties (some protection money if you will, look at it as alms, but not in a charitable way but in a keeping you alive sort of way). Sure that new promotion would be great to spend on a new Porsche, but wouldn't you rather your favorite cousin be alive? I don't know, it's up to you.

Anyway, I just wanted to write this post to make sure that people understand the plight of the monster, the truly deep seeded emotional trouble that they encounter throughout their lifetime. I then wanted to point out ways to exploit this fragile mental state for a means of personal gain, a way to set up an extortion ring if you will. It's almost Halloween, Christmas is right around the corner. Go befriend a monster and get your mother that trip to Australia she's always wanted to take.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005


What the fuck happened to my template? I didn't fuck with it and it's all fucked up! My fucking links are at the bottom of the fucking page! There's a skinny green column that runs down the left side of the page where the fucking links should be! I fucking didn't touch the motherfucker! I fucking hate fucking with the fucking template in the first fucking place, so if I try to fucking fix it I'll just fuck it up more. Fuck, I'm fucking mad. I'm not fucking with this tonight. I'll try to fix the fucker tommorrow, maybe. Doesn't S. Johansen look like fucking Daryl Hannah in fucking Blade Runner?

editor's note: The picture above is dedicated to my peeps at wickedchopspoker. If you read their site (the first link, now located at the bottom of the fucking page), and you should if at all interested in poker, you'd see that I was paying an homage of sorts to posting a picture of a hot chick that doesn't relate at all to my post. Never change wicked chops, never change.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Suggestions...Frankenstein...Dr. Frankenstein...Al Franken...Frankenstein's monstersdaughterscousinsunclessistersbrotherstherapist...Blackula...Dracula...Count Chocula...Bela Legousi...Guy w/ sheet on...Ghost...Casper...A Poltergeist...Banshee...Slimer...Wolf...Werewolf...An American Werewolf in London...An American Werewolf in Paris...Abominal Snowman...Big Foot...Yetti...HarryofHarryandtheHenderson'sFame...Guy with Bandages on...Mummy...Brandon Fraser...King Tut...( ).......!...@...#...$...%...^...&...*..._...+...=.../...AFurby...Teletubby...SpongeBob...Barney...Mark McGuire...Sammy Sosa...Barry Bonds...Jason Giambi...Rafael Palmeiro...Jose Canseco...Andre3000...Bjork...Sid Vicious...Johnny Rotten...Elvis...John Lennon...Bob Dylan...Elvis Costello...Iggy Pop...David Bowie...David Byrne...Debbie Harry...Frank Sinatra...Bird...Devo...JFK...George W. Bush...Ronald Reagan...Bill Clinton...Hillary Clinton...Richard Nixon...Snap...Crackle...Pop...Heckel...Jeckel...Alvin...Simon...Theodore...Garfield...Odie...Chuck Weiss...Chuck Sheen...Chuck Brown...Charlie...LSD...MDMA...ReRun...Dwayne...Roger...Big Shirley

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Birthday wish list...

Yo Yo Yo, it's my b-day Tuesday's some shiot i'd like to have...

1. A retractable roof on installed into my house, like at the Toronto Sky Dome.
2. "LUDES man, fuckin' LUDES!"
3. One of those little motorized carts that old people used to get around on, you know what I'm talking about, they used to sell them at Walgreen's I think (if anyone knows the actual name of this product please comment, I can't remember and it's killing me)
4. Some of those platform shoes from the 70's with those gold fish swimming around in them.
5. Some gold fish food to feed the gold fish that will swimming around in my platform shoes.
6. A fish scooping net, so I can fish out the dead gold fish after they die, I'm speaking of the gold fish in my platform shoes.
7. A smurf. If at all possible I'd like him to be named Disco Smurf, he'd be able to do shit like "The Hustle" and he'd say stuff like, "You babes are looking groovy tonight, how about we all do some Smurf then go and Smurf". He'd go great with my platform shoes.
8. The Chicago Cubs, I'm a big Cubs fan, I'd really like to own them.
9. X-ray vision.
10. A pimped out "Rabbit" with some Dubs.
11. I'd like to be made the U.S. ambassador of some sort of tropical resort country. I don't care which one (I'm not a picky asshole) just one that has perfect weather year round so me and Disco Smurf can hang out at the pool and get drunk every day.
12. A harem of women like those rich middle eastern sheikhs have (duh, like I even needed to write this one down).
13. A unit de-bigger (my shit is massive).
14. Gary Coleman to run my personal security detail.
15. World Peace.

editor's note: The last entry is a joke, I was just trying to be funny, I don't really care about world peace.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Jack Nicholson: CGP Interview

CGP: Everyone, it's a true honor to have as my next celebrity interview...Jack Nicholson!
Jack: Thanks, cgpop. Glad to be talking to you.
CGP: Tell me you're wearing sunglasses/
Jack: Course.
CGP: And are you inside?
Jack: I'm not here to disappoint.
CGP: That's so cool!
Jack: I heard you ran into some problems with Bozo the Clown. I've never much trusted carneys myself.
CGP: That Bozo is one twisted son-of-a-bitch. But enough about me and Bozo. Let's get down to business. Tell me you banged Michelle Pfeiffer.
Jack: Oh yeah, twice on the Witches of Eastwick set. My trailer of course.
CGP: Explain.
Jack: I really like my down time on the set...I don't like to be going places and doing stuff between shooting, so she shows up and asks if she can borrow some butter. I say to her, "Baby, come on sweetheart, you have assistants for that stuff, you just came by for a little Jack." Of course, I was right. Also three times on that stupid movie where I was wolf or whatever the hell that movie was.
CGP: The wolf movie and Witches of Eastwick, two true examples of wasted celluloid, I agree. So getting back to WOE, Cher was in that movie too, if I'm not mistaken.
Jack: Oh man, I know where this going.
CGP: Listen Jack, love you buddy, but I have to ask the hard questions here man.
Jack: I've publicly apologized many times for not have Cher killed while on the set of Witches.
CGP: Have you heard "Turn back Time"? Huh? I heard about 3 seconds on the radio last year and it was stuck in my head for a month. The vodka wasn't helping, the support groups, nada...Excuse me man, sorry about this, didn't mean to cry...let me compose myself...There, that's better, I'm sorry about that.
Jack: Listen man, I feel sorry for you. I'll let you in on a little secret. Since Witches I've had Cher killed dozens of times over. The crazy bitch just seems to somehow always survive, like Jason or Michael Myers. She'll survive nuclear genocide, mark my words.
CGP: Well I hope I die then in nuclear genocide because I don't think I could handle any one on one time with Cher. Truly frightening stuff.
Jack: I just wanted everyone to know that I realize there is a problem and I've tried to deal with it.
CGP: You're a saint among men. Switching gears, let's play some word association.
Jack: I'm game.
CGP: Lara Flynn Boyle
Jack: Crystal Meth
CGP: Crystal Meth, really? I thought the answer would be cocaine, but what do I know. Warren Beatty
Jack: Playboy.
CGP: No surprise there. Lorne Michaels.
Jack: Sycophant.
CGP: I had that written down as my guess, I really did. You guys make him the DD when you all hit the town right?
Jack: Course. I want to clear something up too. We don't call this guy either, he always somehow just ends up showing up.
CGP: righteous stuff Jack, I'm really sorry but my pre-paid minutes for the month are almost up so I'm going to have to end up the interview.
Jack: Those overages will kill you.
CGP: Thanks again, and always stay Jack...Jack.
Jack: You know it.

editor's note: CGP lied in his interview to Jack. He had star-fucker written down next to Lorne Michaels name, not sycophant.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

"One More Time" Video

Umm, yeah. This is probably the most "normal" DP vid I've seen. Click here to see it. Don't you just wish you were a robot sometimes? If so you're a total fucking weirdo. What, do you want some Matrix type shit to happen so you could enslave man? Uncool. Did you see how those assholes have to party after robots and computers and shit enslaved the human race? So you like indigenous type rave-style parties? Is this what you're telling me? You think Keanu Reeves is a good actor?? You think he gave a good performance in Point Break? "I am an F.B.I agent!"? You liked that? Really????

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

I had a nightmare about....

I mean look at that nos....Why all the stupid ha....No way she lost her virgi....Who would want to hit tha....Whoa?Who....Fuck that Joey Lawren....Such a fucking lose....I'm still not buying that someone would have wanted to hit that even if it was a major plotli....Is this a drea....Oh my god, NO NO, what are you wearin....You're such a dork, STOP danc...Please, Please, PLEASE wake u....Who green lit this sho....Why did people watch i....I could be a fucking TV exec....Please Zod no movie rema....Someone shoot me in the hea....Don't subject me to this horr....I'd rather have a nightmare about According To Jim, it's this ba....Who the fuck designs your clothes? Stevi....That was a bad joke even in a nightma....I wish Freddie Kruger would show up and kill one of u....I'd bang that stupid friend of yours tho....

Monday, October 17, 2005

Favorite 100 Songs List: 20-11

20. "Monkey Gone To Heaven": The Pixies; Doolittle Everything mixes perfectly on this song, bass, lead guitar, backing and lead vocals. The strings employed also make this odd song sound quite pop.

19. "Da Art of Storytellin' (part 1): Outkast; Aquemini Wah Wah Wah say the Charlie Brown adults. This has to be the best lyrical rap song of all time, not talking about "ice" or "bling" just how life in da hood is yo's. Anyway heartfelt lyrics and catchy as hell, that's Outkast for ya.

18. "Sing": Blur; Trainspotting Soundtrack A haunting piano and drums drive this song. Atmospheric and experimental, simply put Blur at their best. Graham Coxon also shreds. Blur had the most songs (6) on this countdown, well done mates.

17. "A Time To Be So Small": Interpol; Antics I can't stop listening to this song, it is the song I've listened to the most in the past year and a half. Maybe Paul Banks best vocal performance yet (that's saying a lot in my book) talking about cadavers and stuff. Between the 2:15 and 3:50 portion of this song, it may be my second favorite musical moment of all-time, completely firing on all cylinders, in the zone Jordan style.

16. "Here To Stay": New Order; 24 Hour Party People Sdtrk. The movie was a letdown but as the credits rolled I was mesmerized. "Who the fuck is that?" I thought, "Holy shit, that's a new New Order song, that kicks ass!", get in car and drive to local music outlet, purchase CD even though I already most of the other good songs on the album. Totally worth it for this near 5 minutes of bliss.

15. "Up In Heaven (Not Only Here)": The Clash; Sandinista! First entry from The Clash on the countdown. It's so hard for me to pick Clash songs since their output is so outstanding. This is rocking (not punk or Jamaican) Clash at its best. The fade back in at the end of this song actually works, and it never works. This album is a must own too, my favorite of theirs.

14. "High": The Cure; Wish A totally under-rated Cure album, gets some slack b/c of omnipresent radio hit "Friday I'm in Love", but it's almost as good as Disintegration in my book (blastphemy I know). Anyway, this is the highlight of the album, should have been a much larger hit than "Friday" but people are stupid. Fucking wind chimes and Robert Smith in an ultra-weird video.

13. "Revolution Rock": The Clash; London Calling "It is a brand new rock", I think that line kind of sums up what the Clash did, total original musical icons. Reggae influence in full swing on this song. A cheese grater!? I'm in a state of shock!

12. "New Year's Day": U2; War U2 are, amoungst other things, stadium rock (a genre people, who really like music, hate) icons. Like them are not, this "stadium rocker" is undeniable, the best they've ever done. Edge really defines U2's sound never more evident than here. Also I urge people to listen to this album again, they were really trying to many different sounds on this album (showing that they were always musically adventurous, even before Bono begged Brian Eno to work with them, great example is "Red Light"). Easily a top ten favorite all-time album of mine.

11. "Lips Like Sugar": Echo & The Bunnymen; Echo & The Bunnymen I worshipped this song in high school, floored the first time I heard it. It still stands up after all of these years, a jangling new wave masterpiece, with wonderful vocals from Ian McCulloch. Top ten and an end to the countdown coming soon...

Sunday, October 16, 2005


How did Tara Reid not win best supporting actress for the calendar year of 1999, last millennium? She was robbed! Let me refresh everyone's memory, Tara (of the now defunct Taradise) played a chick, in still kinda but not half as funny as the first time you saw it American Pie, who was virgin and who didn't want to have sex! Tara Reid, a virgin. Not even fucking nominated! This is the largest oversight in Academy history! Angelina Jollie won for playing a chick in a psycho ward! She had a pet rat and married Billy Bob Thorton, you do the math. Tara on the other hand actually got through the whole film without breaking into hysterics each time she had to pretend about being a prude. I don't know, maybe they used a bunch of CGI and shit to get the performance they got out of Tara in AP but if they didn't I feel very sorry for Tara and this gross injustice served up by the Academy. You academy fuckers should be ashamed of yourselves, assholes.

editor's note: The computer is virus free. Finally. Now when I post I can skip lines and put the single picture at the top of the post (my signature trademark) that I'm sure was sorely missed by all.

I AM ME??????

Actually not ?????? but HAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAAA (breathe in) AHHAHHHHHHAAAHHHH (wipe tears forming around my eyes) HHHHAAAAAAAAHAHAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAHHHAAA!!!! (Basically the Brad Pitt Fight Club laugh). This deep and thoughtful exercise in self-examination is actually the title of Ashlee Simpson's new album. Does this chick have handlers? I guess she was on SNL last night, whoops I missed it. Please someone tell me that she defecated on herself, even if she did that might not be as funny as the title of her new album.

Saturday, October 15, 2005


We fucking need you today baby. I'm a UGA alum but my birthplace was South Bend, Indiana. Notre Dame hasn't had an opportunity for a huge victory like this since the days of Lou Holtz (the dark ages of Bob Davie and Ty Willingham now left behind, hopefully never to return). Chuck Weiss is the real deal though and he's got these kids believing in themselves, and that's half the battle. I'm not releasing any bets I may or may not have made on this game, I'm just wishing my beloved Irish luck. Calling the Echoes indeed.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

And the next James Bond is?!?!

who gives a fuck? I sure as hell don't and I love martinis, they get you really drunk. Why is this franchise still lugging along, oh yeah, people still pay money to go see it. I am fucking dumbfounded as to why, I've never understood the appeal of 007. Sure it'd be cool to be some badass secret agent with a license to kill, but that fact alone doesn't make up for the shitty movies that the Bond series has continuously cranked out. I haven't seen all of the Bond films, but my opinion is if you've seen one, you've seen them all. The only one that is OK in my book is View To A Kill, the one where Chris Walken is the bad guy and Duran Duran sings the title track, the rest of them suck. I also hate when people say shit like, "Yeah, the Bond movies suck now, but when Sean Connery was James Bond, they were awesome!" No fucking way, this is a bullshit excuse that people use to pretend that they like James Bond. Every actor who played Bond played him the same, end of story. I would rather shoot heroin for a day than watch a James Bond marathon. The reason for this post is I heard some dude named Daniel Craig, I think that's his name, is the new James Bond. WOW! Did you guys also hear P-Diddy is now just Diddy? Same shit, no one fucking cares. The only way I'd go see the new James Bond movie is if Jenna Jameson was the new Bond. Imagine it Jenna Jameson in 007: Golden Throat, or Octapussy 2. That would be worth my money. Until that happens I'm standing strong, fuck James Bond.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

who WAS cooler?

Corey Haim or Corey Feldman? I give the Haimster the edge in License To Drive, he hooked up with Heather Graham and drove to the hospital backwards. I would say Lost Boys is a push, so it seems. Feldman had the actual cooler character, supposedly a vampire killer and all, who ran security at the comic book shop with his brother (points for Turtle brothers moniker), but he really tried some deep method acting techniques that consisted of using a deeper voice than normal and the whole performance didn't quite gel for me. Haim's character was that of Joe everyday highschooler who has a recently turned vampire for a bro, not quite a vampire killer and definitely not on any badass comic book security detail, but Haim gives his typically non-offensive smarmy smart-ass performance, no crazy method acting like Feldman's deep voice thing. I would actually give Haim the slight edge here. Dream a Little Dream is a bit more difficult b/c I probably haven't seen it in 12 or so years, but I do remember Feldman dyed his hair and looked like an asshole (plus I think he had that stupid ass cross hanging down from ear, ear-ring, definite points off). Also, as is usually the case in the two movies they both appeared in together, Haim probably got more tang than Feldman, so through lack or memory on my part Haim gets this one too. By this point you may think "no contest Haim is the winner", hold the fucking phone. What other good movie vehicles was Haim in by himself, Lucas ? That's all I got, can't use my vast 80's mental rolodex to think of anything else (worthwhile at least) that Haim was in. Plus Haim was a fucking zero in Lucas, I don't know why Chuck Sheen befriended him, maybe Chuck Sheen was gay in that movie (totally kidding, Chuck Sheen is the man, and I don't remember anything else from that movie other than the fact that Haim's title character should have been the fucking waterboy). Feldman had some terrible roles in the 80's but he also had standout roles in both Goonies and The Burbs. EASILY the coolest goonie in the whole movie (talking shit to the Spanish maid, talking shit to mom Fritelli, etc., if you disagree I'd love to hear from you) and as everyone who was born a Gen X-er knows, the fucking Goonies is the shit. The Burbs is great under-rated movie and Feldman (while he doesn't come close to stealing the show) plays a solid supporting role. I mean, come on, dude has party and skips work b/c he knows crazy shit is about to go down on the block. So, looking at all the evidence, I'd have to throw my support behind Feldman. This is very important shit people, MLK Jr. had a dream and let people know about it, you should let people know who you think was a cooler 80's dude...

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

I should stop doing countdowns

As many of you know I'm currently counting down my 100 favorite songs. I started this process in mid July and now it's mid October. I still have 20 songs that I haven't counted down yet, pretty pathetic, I know. I know many of you probably can't sleep or concentrate at work b/c of the lack of closure that has accompanied this countdown, and for mental and emotional distress I have caused...I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I have come to realize something from this whole process though, a life lesson of sorts, I should from this day forward stop doing countdowns with more than 10 things being counted down in the list, hell 10 things may be to many too. Maybe the next list I countdown should contain 2 things in it, I think I could handle that. There are definitely some countdowns I couldn't handle though. Imagine me counting down a shuttle launch. Fucking disaster. I don't know if the fucking shuttle would ever get off the ground, I think the launch is voice activated, meaning the countdown is a necessity. It would be a total waste of tax payer money. Even if the launch isn't voice-activated the astronauts would have some pretty bad whiplash from the unexpected take-off, and the astronauts would be fucking pissed off at my ass because their necks and shit would hurt, and I don't want a bunch of astronauts pissed off at me, a mean bunch if I've seen one, did you know that John Glenn shot JFK and Allan Shepard was a serial killer? It's true. How about leading the Times Square countdown? If I led the TSCd it'd still be like 1987 or some shit. Dick Clark was a pretty young dude back then too and I was much smaller, he would have probably kicked my ass pretty good, and it'd still be the 80's and shit. People would be wearing double breasted suits, they'd be listening to Kasha Goo-Goo, they'd think Eddie Murphy was still cool, we'd all be doing coke three times a day, parachute pants, The Cosby Show, Shelley Long would be a popular entertainer still! Shelley fucking Long!!! Holy fuck it'd be fucked up. I'm glad I wasn't or won't ever be in charge of that countdown. How about those movie countdowns? What a disaster if I was the dude who had to change the day before the big event in the movie, if I was the dude marking off the calendar days everyone would be totally fucked. You dudes know what I'm talking about the musical montage movie countdowns. Those poor inner city fuckers would never pass those stupid ass statewide tests that are mandatory for the entire school to take, like in that movie Lean on Me. If I was in charge of flipping over those big generic cards, those kids would be fucked, it'd go something like this..."What do you mean the test is today? The countdown says we still have 43 days left before the test?" "Um, yeah, about that, I forgot the flip the cards a couple of days, I'm really bad with countdowns" and then Morgan Freeman would whip my ass. Same thing goes with those political fundraiser countdowns they have in the movies, and they're always trying to save nuclear power plants from going up or animals from becoming extinct. No way would we have enough money left to save kids from cancer or buffalo from poachers, I would fuck up the countdown big time. SO, I'm going to finish out the songs countdown in the next millennium and then, sadly, I think I'm done with countdowns. The world will be a much better fucking place, trust me.

Monday, October 10, 2005

"Lunar Park", an excerpt

E-mail memo #6: 15 miles southwest of Detroit writer was found hiding in back of stalled van on the median of a divided highway, picking at nonexistent scabs. E-mail memo #9: Somehow writer has been teargassed at anti-globalization demonstration in Chicago. E-mail memo #13: Berkeley; angry drug dealer was found choking writer due to lack of payment in alley behind Barnes & Noble. E-mail memo #18: Cleveland; writer slept until three p.m., missing all morning and lunch interviews; was then found pigging out on junk food until compelled to throw up. Also witnessed standing in front of hotel mirror sobbing, I'm getting so old. E-mail memo #27: Santa Fe; writer allegedly encouraged a Doberman pinscher to perform cunnilingus on unconscious groupie and when said animal failed to show interest in said groupie writer punched said animal in head and was severely bitten. E-mail memo #34: Miami Book Fair; writer locked himself in book-store bathroom repeatedly yelling at concerned employees to Go Away! When writer emerged an hour later he started to freak out again. I have a snake on me! writer screamed. It's biting me! It's IN MY MOUTH! Writer was dragged to a waiting squad car while holding on to bewildered young yeshiva student attending the reading-whom writer continuously fondled and groped-until ambulance arrived. His eyes rolling back in his head, writer's last words-shouted-before being driven off were quote, I am keeping the jew-boy, 22...editor's note: It's, so far, a typically funny and fucked-up BEE read.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Teen Wolf Two

is fucking sweet. If I was a wolf, I'd be a college boxer too.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

He just signed it

I got my BEE signed copy of Lunar Park in the mail today (refer to September archives if clueless about this). No cool quotes or anything just a simple "Bret Easta Ell", better than your average major league baseball player. In related news, I'll be able to read Lunar Park now b/c with the computer virus and all (don't know if I've mentioned it) I was able to finish Infinite Jest (clocking in at just under 1,100 pages and five months of reading time).

Things I'd be willing to do, or have happen to me, rather than have a computer virus (meaning I wouldn't normally want any of these things to happen)

ONE, Stub a toe...TWO, Listen to an entire Lindsay Lohan cd...THREE, Pirouette, spin, twirl, spin, spin, twirl, jazz hands, jazz hands, jazz hands, HammerTime...FOUR, Watch a Pauley Shore movie marathon...FIVE, Spend an entire night as a designated driver (staying sober myself)...SIX, Eat an entire bag of those potato chips that made your ass leak clear stuff...SEVEN, Hold Tara Reid's hair while she pukes in my kitchen sink...EIGHT, Tie-off Nicole Ritchie so she can shoot up...NINE, Wear Jean Shorts for a week...TEN, Attend a Backstreet Boys concert...ELEVEN, remain in the company of Brittany Spears and Kevin Ferderline for a 24 hour period...TWELVE, Have a drinking contest w/ Julia Child (RIP) (she was a lush, I may die of alcohol poisoning)...THIRTEEN, Have an afro growing contest w/ Bob Ross (RIP) (I'd get my ass handed to me)...FOURTEEN, Do a bunch of coke w/ Robin Williams...FIFTEEN, Sleep in a room adjacent to Bert and Ernie, on second thought, maybe I would take the computer virus in that instance.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Broken Social Scene, 8.4, Fionna Apple ?

Pitchfork gave Broken Social Scene by Broken Social Scene a rating of 8.4. The over/under was set at 9.3, everyone who participated guessed high, so no free drinks. The Fionna Apple review is still not up but I'll keep you guys posted if anyone guesses correctly (for those clueless to what I speak of, this post is a follow-up to an over/under game I like to play involving pitchforkmedia record reviews). I bought BSS yesterday and so far, in my estimation, I feel the pitchforkmedia review was fair and pretty accurate. They really cranked up the amps to 11 on this release and the song structures are somewhat lacking. A much noisier and less structured affair than You Forgot It In People, still a solid effort in my estimation. Song #9 "Hotel" is in the running for my favorite song of the year.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Some stuff I wrote

I wrote this about 8 or so months ago. I had an idea for a screenplay, which I thought I might then make a story instead of a screenplay. It's about this chick who's an alchoholic artist. She's really into postmodern art though, like she recreates her apartment to look like Starbucks, she's building a self-sculpture out of empty Popov airplane bottles, etc. I ended up not writing a screenplay or story but I wrote this, it's about one of her paintings where a bomb is about to drop on a bunch of people in a park. Not a bomb so much as a guided missile (WOW, on shitty dial-up computer I am unable to hit enter and create space, I'd fast for a week to get that fucking virus off my real computer)...Dogs and cats in agreeance for once. Both rushing for the left side of the canvas. Followed by rabbits, squirrels, chipmunks, etc. The humans are laying still in the grass eating picnic lunches. The rabbits are hopping madly unsure of why. DNA hardwired, alongside an undeniable urge to procreate ad infinitum. People are still laying supposedly unequipped with the requisite genetic code, their blankets are checkered. Vegetation in the park would have followed the animals had it had the necessary means of transportation. People notice the animal exodus, some heads are turned, one little boy even chases after his beloved mutt, named Sparky or maybe Otis. They've all noticed but the fleeing animal population of the vicinity is a mere diversion from the real show. Many to most in the park realize that they are no longer the fractured and scattered, no longer the anonymous. Soon becoming part of something. Something larger than the news clip or political debate. The impact will include even the homeless sociopath to the synthesis of modern ingenuity, the unflinching propulsion of the mechanisms of technology. Inclusion. History. A point on a graph. A release from the waiting uncertainty that swallows people whole. Surrounded by atmosphere in anticipation. Clearly aware of the outcome. Able to sense the inevitable, but unwilling to flee. Why shouldn't it come down to annihilation through advancement? If they can't be creators let them rejoice in perceived, neverending, martyrdom...editor's note: Virus still not off as mentioned before. Hopefully tomorrow.