same as it ever was (talking heads)

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

A wiley bunch

Why are monsters always trying to kill people? Abandonment issues? They always seem to live alone, a very secluded bunch if you'll allow me that. They never seem to be hanging out with anyone, no real family or friends, no sort of support group. Maybe if they moved out of the woods, haunted houses, abandoned museum parks, what have you and got a nice starter home in the suburbs or maybe rented in some sort of young professional community in an urban area, they'd make some friends and they wouldn't feel the need to maim and dismember everyone they come in contact with. This train of thought leads me elsewhere, maybe (after moving out of scary location) new hobbies would be in order, you know instead of cutting people's heads off with they could take up poker or windsurfing, more socially acceptable hobbies (that would in turn gain them some company, company that they are sooo clearly lacking).

Folks, I must bring up the point that when us humans come in contact with monsters, we usually don't help them deal with any of these obvious self-esteem issues that they have with themselves. Our natural reaction is to scream and run away (rather haphazardly) in an opposite direction from the monster. The natural reaction of the monster (or anyone in an instance like this) is to become upset. The yelling and running away triggers self-loathing in the monster that manifests itself in truly unsocial ways, ways that usually included intestines hanging around the deserted house like Halloween decorations. May I suggest some different ways to handle a situation of monster running into if it ever occurs to you. First off let's start with an example. You and your sweetie just had a romantic candlelit dinner in a fancy restaurant. What to do next? "How about we run up to the scary lake where that kid drowned a couple of summers back and have some weird role playing type sex, you know, I'll be a camp counselor and you can be an underage yet sexy camper looking for the marshmallows that you left behind at the bonfire we can start to get it on and end nicely with a chilly dog. How about it honey?" "Sounds great to me!". Let me stop you there. Maybe the scary lake isn't the best place to give your sweetie a chilly dog. A kid died there and it's deserted, definitely a monster lurking around somewhere. So, you don't heed my advice and you continue on to scary lake. When you, inevitably, run into the monster don't follow your first inclination to scream and run away, instead, introduce yourself, try to shake hands with him, ask if he wants to join in, invite him to a party that you're throwing next week. These strategies just might save your life (no one wants to see their girlfriend get fucked by a fucking monster while watching and presumably crying, but this option is much better than dying). Let's say that the monster accepts the invitation to the party (disaster averted). You've got another problem, what to do when the monster shows up at the party? First off all make sure everyone at the party is aware that the monster will be showing up, if the screaming and running away starts, a blood bath will ensue all over your brand new carpet (hardwood floors are much better for blood baths, assuming you survive to clean it up). The monster will probably show up with a machete, it's just in their nature, you'll want to remove this item and put it in the coat room and assure the monster they'll be able to retrieve it after the party comes to a close. Get them a cocktail instead (nothing to heavy, monsters, although very scary and deadly are probably lightweights when it comes to alcohol consumption, and if they get too drunk a lamp can easily get broken). Introduce them around, try to set them up with one of your girlfriend's single friends. Invite them to your coed softball game on Sunday afternoon, anything to make them feel comfortable and less murderous. Make sure you have some monster friendly tunes sitting around the house, Joy Division, Bauhaus, the "Monster Mash" all should be readily available.

Now you've become friends with a monster, sounds kind of bad maybe? Right? Fuck no! This is what you want. You now have a killing machine in the very palm of your hand. Girlfriend cheats on you, dead. Boss an asshole at work, dead. Doorman giving you shit at new trendy bar, you get the picture. You can basically become an evil type dude to get back at everyone who has ever slighted you in your life. The great thing about monsters is that they don't die! They may seem like they are dead but they never really are. You now have the ultimate trump card, and that's what we're all looking for really isn't it? Your friend just got a promotion at work? You hang out with a monster who can insert themselves in your friend's dreams and all the dreams of his/her family and have them killed if you so feel like it. Sounds to me like some sort of monthly fee can be hammered out between the two parties (some protection money if you will, look at it as alms, but not in a charitable way but in a keeping you alive sort of way). Sure that new promotion would be great to spend on a new Porsche, but wouldn't you rather your favorite cousin be alive? I don't know, it's up to you.

Anyway, I just wanted to write this post to make sure that people understand the plight of the monster, the truly deep seeded emotional trouble that they encounter throughout their lifetime. I then wanted to point out ways to exploit this fragile mental state for a means of personal gain, a way to set up an extortion ring if you will. It's almost Halloween, Christmas is right around the corner. Go befriend a monster and get your mother that trip to Australia she's always wanted to take.


Blogger Scrubby Nub and The Bothered Brigade said...

Absolutely genius. I've often wondered if Jamie Lee Curtis could have prevented dozens of deaths had she just warmed up to Michael Myers. In fact, the his least murderous mood was that one time she tried to kiss his fucked up mask. Only he could tell it was insincere, so he continued to kill. And chicks think they're good a faking it...ha!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005 9:56:00 PM

Blogger Satisfied '75 said...


Thursday, October 27, 2005 5:46:00 AM

Blogger Martin McFriend said...

Fucking awesome dude.

Thursday, October 27, 2005 8:40:00 PM

Blogger cgpop said...

Appreciate it guys, I just think we (meaning humanity in general) take a really shallow point of view when it comes to monsters, we really need to take more advantage of and exploit them to the fullest extent possible.

Thursday, October 27, 2005 10:05:00 PM


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