same as it ever was (talking heads)

Friday, November 25, 2005

Maybe you didn't notice

but my feet were on the seat in front of me. Yeah, I was planning on propping them up during the film. That's going to be hard now seeing as you and your girlfriend (both total fat asses bytheway) have occupied the seats where my feet would have during the film. I was trying to make it obvious that I was going to be using the seats in front of me by putting my feet there so people would hopefully get the hint. I'm a tall drink of water relatively speaking, if I went to Asia I'd probably be worshiped because of my height (that's an exaggeration, but people would have to tilt their heads in an upward motion so they could engage me in conversation or stare at me). Let me not get off track here. I sat in the second to the top row...in the aisle seat...we're at Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang...not exactly Harry Potter...I say this because the theater is less than 20% full. Yet for some unknown reason, you and fat girlfriend decided to sit in the third to the top row in the seats directly in front of me. There aren't other people occupying the other seats in your row. Do you hate me? I was here first. With my feet up in the seat that you're now sitting in. I now fucking hate you. I am very glad that you're fat. It was Thanksgiving yesterday, do you really think you really need that massive tub o popcorn? With a large sized box of Milk Duds? I think you may have wandered into the wrong theater, actually. Larry the Cable Guy isn't in this movie. I really want to ask you, this very instant, if you're a fucking idiot or just a generally rude bastard. But of course I won't. I'll go home and write a blog entry about it before I go out this weekend. You suck. Really bad. Fucking asshole. (s)

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

A Don Hughes/Johnny Ballon movie pitch (#5)

DH: Animation, fucking huge!
JB: Fucking HUGE!
DH: Why not start with an established franchise? Those lovable dorks, The Peanuts. Let's face it, everyone likes underacheiving losers, and I can't think of larger group of douchbags than these kids.
JB: Fucking A right on, when the dog is the coolest dude on the block you have problems as a functioning social set.
DH: Obvious problems already mentioned, these kids suck, basically speaking, we need to bring their shit into the new millennium, give them a new consumer friendly image.
JB: Yeah, right on. No way is the Red Headed Girl going to pay any attention to you if you're a bald seven year old who wears a yellow zigzag shirt everyday with black shorts. I mean it's a good look for Coked up people on Halloween, but as an everyday thing? I don't think so.
DH: We gotta metro sexual these kids up. Get Chuck a pair of faded jeans, some Prada sneaks. Shave off the one remaining circlish hair, get the Vin Diesel look going on. His last movie grossed over a hundred million, that's what people can relate to.
JB: Then get him an ironic shirt that says oh, I don't know "Fuck the Smurfs" or something. Then slap on a brown vintage leather jacket.
DH: All of these kids dress like losers, they'll basically all get a make-over right. We have so much potential here. Take Linus for instance.
JB: Glad you brought that up. Blue Blanket? Fucking gone, Sayonara. Instead he carries around smokes all the time. Much cooler, ask your friends.
DH: Plus we get to make the Phillip Morris people pay out the ass for that little favor. They LOVE to start them off at an early age.
JB: By the end of the movie, all the kids are smoking, this is a natural progression, because, of course, they want to look cool as well.
DH: Shroder, so much untapped potential here.
JB: The piano is fucking gone!
DH: Shroder is going to start an indie rock band named, like, "The Go Get-ups and Hand Clappers"
JB: Yeah, they'll sound kind of like a cross between Arcade Fire, The Strokes, Bloc Party, and Clap Your Hands Say Yeah. They'll have a real, "I could give a fuck" attitude. I think we can get them a guest spot on the OC.
DH: We also need to sex this thing up a bit.
JB: They're only kids, but kids get started at a much earlier age these days.
DH: We'll start off with the obvious choice. Snoopy and Lucy.
JB: I don't know if you guys are hip to the inter-web these days, but chicks and dogs...fucking huge right now.
DH: Fucking huge!
JB: Marci and Peppermint Patty. Like this even needs to be brought up.
DH: This is an obvious huge market right now, this shit totally sells. The Simpsons, The Olsens, The Hiltons, so many lesbo couples around Hollywood right now, non-religious middle America eats this shit up.
JB: Yeah and when the Bible beaters protest, "Ohh, I think it's wrong to have two animated seven year old chicks date each other in a major motion picture flagship studio event!", we buy stock in those Jesus Fish on the back of cars, because they're bound to get a sales bump to protest this thing.
DH: Money smells like tits.
JB: I couldn't have said it better friend.
DH: Story line, like we fucking need one.
JB: They don't have them anymore, but you've already noticed that I'm sure.
DH: I'm going to buy a fucking island with this score.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Beggars can't be choosers

After a U2 concert and long night of partying, the bars or clubs close, sometimes folks just aren't ready to go home. When this happens the next logical step is to find an "after hours" "party" or "club". I'm not one to delve into personal info here, but I'll make a sort of exception this time. Here are some things that you could have heard if you were hanging out with our group Saturday b/wn 3-5 am est.

"Jesus Christ, 30 dollars a head to park! A head! I don't really think that building looks up to fire code standards."

"Why do you think they built this place on the site of an Indian burial ground?" "Dude I think you're wrong, I bet it was a former pet semetary."

"Why do I have the feeling that this is going to end like that Ice Cube "Damn it was a good day" video? Or whatever the fuck it's called?"

"The decor is awesome here, I'm just too frightened to laugh." "You're right, I'm sure upset I missed out when a crack dealer kicked off that air conditioning unit over in the corner."

"I really hope this is the long delayed extras party for Carlito's Way."

"My goal tonight is to not be an integral part of someone earning a tear drop tatoo."

"Holy shit, people really do listen to Reggeaton."

"Hey have you guys gone to the bathroom yet?" "Let me stop you there, I really don't want you to finish that sentence."

"I think unprotected sex with Pamela Anderson would be the safer option than staying here any longer." "No way would I have sex with her."

"I've never been as happy in my life to have spent $27 on two bud lights."

"I think all of the chicks here are hookers, I'm pretty sure I just saw Samantha from Sex in the City."

Sorry...

but the Wu Tang Clan isn't invited over for Thanksgiving this year.

Well for one I'm trying to stop smoking pot Ok, can you respect that?

Yeah, well I couldn't make OBD's funeral allright. Method Man is none to happy with me.

I know you've listened to their music, I just don't think it's a good idea to see them right now. Especially with it being Thanksgiving and all.

editor's note: Partial lyrics "Method Man"...I'll fuckin, I'll fuckin sew your asshole closed, and keep feedin you and feedin you and feedin you and feedin you

Thursday, November 17, 2005

U2 (show this weekend)

Here's a set list of songs that I wish they'd play (no way this will happen)....
1. "11 O' Clock Tick Tock"
2. "Party Girl"
3. "Seconds"
4. "Red Light"
5. "Surrender"
6. ""40""
7. "A Sort Of Homecoming"
8. "Wire"
9. "The Unforgettable Fire"
10. "Running To Stand Still"
11. "Red Hill Mining Town"
12. "In God's Country"
13. "Trip Through Your Wires"
14. "Exit"
15. "Heartland"
16. "Until The End Of The World"
17. "The Fly"
18. "Lemon"
19. "Some Days Are Better Than Others"
20. "Dirty Day"
21. "Mofo"
22. "Miami"
23. "Ground Beneath Her Feet"
24. "When I Look At The World"
25. "New York"
26. "Miracle Drug"
27. "Love And Peace Or Else"
28. "City Of Blinding Lights"
29. "Crumbs From Your Table"

(Encore) 30. "New Year's Day"

editor's note: I know this is a bit aggressive in length and song selection, but I'd pay $300 for a ticket if I was guaranteed this show.

Anniversary


Still mesmerizing to this day. I know everyone's seen this (the huge fight between the Pacers and Pistons fans last year), but it's still chilling stuff. I was going to try to say some funny shit, but it's still a really fucked up situation. Just shows what happens when anarchy sets in. Sure Artest shouldn't have run in the stands, but those fans throwing stuff at the players exiting by the tunnel are pieces of human shit. Anyhow, Saturday is the one year anniversary of this complete and utter melee. I doubt we ever witness another quite like it.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Atlanta: Everyday Is An Opening Day?

In an attempt to better market itself, the ATL released the above slogan to help increase tourism. They also spent about 8 million dollars coming up with a symbol and a song. Everything they've come up with has totally sucked. I can't sing or draw, but I can come up with assholish things to say, so here are some of my suggestions for the Atlanta city slogan.

1. Atlanta: Come for the weather, stay for the religious persecution.

2. Atlanta: Where the fuck else are you going to go in the Southeast? And don't tell me Birmingham Alabama, liar.

3. Atlanta: Chances are you'll get shot by a rapper, can't do that in Des Moines, Iowa.

4. Atlanta: We have an aquarium!!!! With FISH!!!!

5. Atlanta: Yeah, Michael Vick still can't pass, but he's a really exciting player nonetheless.

6. Atlanta: Hawks and the Thrashers? Never heard of them.

7. Atlanta: Sure the Gold Club is closed, but the Cheetah is still open!!!

8. Atlanta: I guess a bomb went off during the Olympics, but only one person died.

9. Atlanta: What happens in Atlanta stays in Atlanta. Didn't you hear we have legalized gambling and prostitution now!!!!!!(wink)

10. Atlanta: You can kick Ted Turner in the balls for a quarter.

editor's note: It's sad but the Hawks and Thrashers are my two favorite sports teams in this town.

Free Music

Big thanks to Aquarium Drunk for the heads up. eMusic.com has a deal right now where you can sign up and download 50 free MP3's! After you're done you can cancel the membership and not get charged. I think that I'm going to keep my membership for a while, the site is pretty solid, I found the album In The End, All Things Begin by Ohn. I'd been looking for this all over Atlanta and I'd been previously unable to find it, instead I got it for free.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Yeah, scarier than that

Click here to see the Mike Tyson and Bobby Brown "Monster Mash" rendition (I guess I'm doing covers this week). For those of you who haven't seen this yet, I beg you to click the link. Possibly the funniest and most disturbing thing I've ever seen. Bobby Brown's James Brown impersonation is tragic and Mike Tyson looks crazy (well, normal for him). Anyway, high comedy if I've ever seen it, I do give them credit though, they were both really into it.

Monday, November 14, 2005

TUXS

I like music. I've always wanted to play an instrument. To be in a band. Yet I have no musical talent. No patience to actually take the time to practice and learn the guitar, or sitar, or kazoo. None of that matters now. I'm in a band. TUXS. Ever heard of us? Probably not. Ever seen us play? That would be an impossibility. Do you like the songs "Original Sin" or "The One Thing" or "Need You Tonight/Mediate"? I thought so. TUXS is the INXS cover band that I recently formed. The only problem is that we never get a chance to play our spine-tingling rendition of "Devil Inside". We always drink too excess before each performance. Rendering us useless to actually perform any INXS covers. How do you expect me to play the guitar after I've drank a commode full of Purple Jesus (grain alcohol and grape kool-aid)? How am I going to hold a bass line after I've funneled a liter of golden grain? Sure our fans at the Sparkles in Roswell, Ga. will probably be mad that they didn't get to hear a sub-par cover of "New Sensation" but.... tough luck. I'm just hoping I don't end up with alcohol poisoning. The great thing about this thing is that I still get to tell people I'm in a band. And isn't that what really matters? Inventing lies to help yourself get laid by stupid chicks? Stupid chicks with somewhat questionable taste in music.

editor's note: I really do like much of the INXS music cannon. I just can't believe they made that reality show and picked a new lead singer. Unforgivable. I got a ticketmaster e-mail last week notifying me that they were soon to be on tour in Atlanta. Who the fuck is going to go see them now? Pathetic move by a once decent band.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

"Dine" In

"For here. I'll have the combo #1, value sized, with a Sprite to drink. That'll be all."
"Did you say combo one?"
"Yeah"
"Ok, a combo one. Do you want a drink with that?"
"Huh?"
"A drink, do you want a drink?"
"Ummm, doesn't the combo #1 come with a drink?"
"Yeah"
"Yeah, so ummm, yeah I'll have a drink with it considering it comes with a drink and also considering that I already told you I want a Sprite."
"A Sprite, we outta Sprite."
"You're out of Sprite? How do you run of out Sprite?"
"We have Coke."
"Fine. I'll have a Coke, whatever."
"Combo #1 with a Coke. Do you want to value size that?"
"Yeah, I'll value size it. Did you not hear me earlier? I'm trying to be difficult, just wondering?"
"Huh?"
"Forget what I said, but yes, value size it."
"What do you mean forget what you said, you don't want to value size it?"
"No, I do want to value size. Value size it."
"Ok, a #1 with a Coke, value sized. Dine in or take out?"
"You're fucking with me? Right?"
"What?"
"Just wondering, because yet again, I have already given you this information. In fact I gave you all of the vital information for this transaction unprompted within the first three seconds of interfacing with you. The whole problem is that you didn't listen initially."
"So does this mean that you're dining in or not?"
"Yes, I'm dining (making air quotes) in."
"Ok, that's a #1 with Sprite to drink, value sized, dine in. Would you like anything else?"
"You said, a Sprite, I thought you didn't have Sprite?"
"Yeah, we got Sprite."
"You just told me you didn't have Sprite?"
"It's fixed. Anything else sir? We have a long line behind you, we're real busy right now."
"Yeah, I'd like to speak to the manager."
"I am the manager."
"Really? You're kidding me, right? Please tell me you're joking."
"No, anything else."
"No, that'll be it."

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Title Bound?

I'm about to leave for Athens, Ga. right now to cheer on the UGA Bulldogs in their 7:45 pm game against the Tigers (or is it Wareagles? dumbasses) of Auburn. The dawgs are SEC title bound if we can pull out a victory. On a person front I'll be making a mockery out of my liver for 8 hours before kick-off. I hope to finish off at least a half liter of vodka and 12 beers before game time. Cheers.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Atlanta Aquarium

In an effort to one-up the state of Tennessee, Atlanta is about to open a huge aquarium (I don't know or really care when it actually opens, it could be tomorrow or two years from now, all I know is that they've changed the exit signs on I-75 to show where to go for the aquarium). An aquarium? No shit, it's supposed to be the largest aquarium in the world. I have an aquarium at home and trust me, it's not that cool. Fish are the quitters of the pet world, always dying. Anyway I'm kind of perplexed as to why Atlanta is the site of some huge aquarium considering it's a huge hub for Marine Biology and all. Here are some suggestions so the aquarium doesn't suck.

1. Alcohol (Thanks aquarium drunkard). Yes, and lots of it. Basically the activities that you do when attending an aquarium revolve around looking at and talking about fish and other sea life. What sane person would want to do this sober? See, alcohol can make even the most boring activities enjoyable. If the aquarium doesn't serve alcohol, you're basically fucked. You now have two options left. First off, you can break up with your girlfriend who is forcing you to attend the aquarium, try this one on for size..."Jesus Tiffany, looking at fucking jellyfish all day isn't going to change the fact that you fucked my best friend. It's over!" Even if she didn't cheat on you, it doesn't matter, she'll think you're crazy and you won't have to go to the aquarium that doesn't serve alcohol. Option number two, do a bunch of drugs in the parking lot before entering.

2. Wet T-Shirt Contests. It's a fucking aquarium, they can spare the water, it's basically everywhere.

3. Employees dressed up like the Sea Captain form "The Simpsons". They must also affect his accent..."Yar Matey's would all ye scallywags like to buy some T-shirts from ye olde treasure shop? Arrrggg, 100% pre-shrunk cotton." I myself would do drugs in the parking lot and check this out.

4. Mermaids. A mermaid tank is key to a successful aquarium. Have you ever seen an unattractive mermaid? I haven't either. Always with those sea-shell bras too, hot shit. They should position a central bar by the mermaid tank too so people can go and hit on the mermaids. I mean, watching two mermaids get all lesbo in the tank would be a huge draw, but they need some lovin themselves. I mean I don't think it's physically possible to fuck a mermaid, but getting blown by one is even cooler than a threesome.

5. A five star restaurant. If I'm looking at seafood all day long, I'm bound to get hungry. It may cost a pretty penny to actually buy a baby seal for dinner, but all I'm saying is that it should at least be on the menu.

These are just some of suggestions to liven up the Atlanta? Aquarium. I just HOPE it's as cool as underground ATL.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Spotlight: A Spotlight

I'm spotlighting spotlights.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Stuart Dybek: A spotlight

About three years ago, I took a creative writing class. Not to bore anyone but it really sparked an interest in reading that I had not possessed before the class. I was introduced to the likes of Raymond Carver, Tobias Wolff and Stuart Dybek. I read a short story by Dybek called "Pet Milk" which is still to this day my favorite short story of all-time (which I will reprint here one day). Today, I'd like spotlight a short story called "Silhouettes" which appears in Dybek's short story collection 'The Coast Of Chicago'. If you don't like this type of thing, I'd stop reading here.

The alley became a river in the rain - a river with currents of clattering cans and a floe of cardboard. The boy would wake to the headlights of lightning spraying the walls of his small room, and lie listening to the single note of drops pinging the metal hood of a blue bulb that glowed above a garage door. Finally, he'd go to the window and look down. The blue bulb gave the rain a bluish gleam. Rotted drainpipes gushed like dislocated fountains. Flooded tar roofs seemed to tilt, spilling waterfalls through sluices of fire escape.

At the mouth of the alley, a streetlight swirled, slowly disappearing down the whirlpool of a sewer. And beyond the aura of the streetlight, on a street whose name and numbers had been washed away, shadows moved aimlessly through rain. Tonight, they had their collars raised. He could catch glimpses of them passing by the mouth of the alley. Even when he couldn't see them, he could sense their presence: shapes that he'd named silhouettes, shadows that threw shadows, that inhabited the hourless times of night stolen from dreams when it seemed to the boy as if he'd been summoned awake only to lie there wondering for what reason he'd been summoned. He couldn't remember when he'd become aware of their presence, or when he first thought of them as anything else - not ghosts, or spirits. Silhouettes were enough to haunt him.

Others had known their own names for shadows. Downstairs the Ukrainian kid who practiced the violin slept with his arms extended in the shape of a cross to ward off the dead. Across the alley, in a basement flat, a Puerto Rican girl prayed as if begging before a vigil candle flickering the picture of the Virgin on her bureau, and sometimes the smell of coal furnace behind the grate that opened on purgatory would fade into a faint scent of roses. There were guys who carried knives taped inside their socks to school, who still slept at the edges of their beds in order to leave their room for their guardian angels. There were girls who wore mascara like a mask, who swore they'd seen Nina, the beautiful high school girl who had plunged from a roof one summer night. Nina had sneaked out that night to meet her boyfriend, Choco, a kid who played the conga and had gone AWOL to see her. Choco, his conga drum strapped over his shoulder, had led her up a fire escape to the roof where he slept on an old mattress. They took angle dust, which made the moon seem near enough to step onto from the roof. The girls said that on moonlit nights music would wake them - a song whose beat they all recognized, though none of them could hum back its melody - and they would see a fantasma, Nina, her hair flying and blouse billowing open, falling past their windows, but falling so slowly that it seemed as if it might take forever for her to hit the street.

And there were apparitions in broad daylight: the mute knifesharpener pushing his screeching whetstone up alleys; the peddlers with clothesline whips flicking blinded horses as their wagons rumbled by tottering under jumbled loads of uprooted cellars and toppled attics; the hunchbacked woman who walked bent from the waist as if doubled over by the weight of the lifetime's length of filthy, gray hair that streamed from her bowed head and swept the pavement before her.

They seemed part of the streets. If anyone noticed, it was only to glance away, but the boy secretly regarded them as if he were witnessing refugees from a cruel fairy tale groping their way through the ordinary world. He wondered where they disappeared to, where they slept at night, and what they dreamed.

Besides the daytime apparitions, the silhouettes seemed nearly invisible, camouflaged by night, shadows who'd broken their connections to whatever had thrown them, and now wondered free, like dreams escaped from dreamers. They emerged from viaducts on nights when viaducts exhaled fog and manhole covers steamed. Where they stood in dripping doorways, they made the doorways darker. When they stepped into the open - shadows, but shadows no longer supported by walls or trailed along pavement - the rain, slanting through the glow of streetlight and shop signs, beaded off them like molten electricity. Oncoming headlights bent around them; flashed of lightning traced their outlines. The boy could sense them moving along the street and wondered if tonight was the night for which he'd been summoned awake, when the silhouettes would finally come up the alley, past the guardian streetlight now swirling and sinking, and assemble below his window, looking up as his face pressed against the spattered pane, their eyes and mouths opened onto darkness like the centers of guitars.

Love, it's such a night, laced with running water, irreparable, riddled with a million leaks. A night shaped like a shadow thrown by your absence. Every crack trickles, every overhang drips. The screech of nighthawks has been replaced by the splash of rain. The rain falls from the height of streetlights. Each drop contains its own shattering blue bulb.

Monday, November 07, 2005

The CGP interview #3, TARA REID

CGP: Tara, thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to take the time to talk with me (uncontrollable laughter)
Tara: Is the connection bad, I thought I heard laughing.
CGP: Laughter, I don't think so...hmmm, maybe you're drunk right now, is that it? Are you drunk, maybe hearing shit?
Tara: Yeah, duh. But I haven't taken any pills or anything yet.
CGP: Come on now, no one believes that. I guarantee you you've had some Xanax today.
Tara: That doesn't count, I had a headache earlier. I thought you were going to be nice to me?
CGP: Oh Tara, I'm so sorry, I've been a tad insensitive in the past, I know. Let me just say, you've been a big person for doing this interview. Huge in fact, who did your boob job?
Tara: None of your business.
CGP: If we were hanging out and I slipped you a fiver, could I see your tits?
Tara: No.
CGP: Yeah right, Ok, no. How about a 20 spot?
Tara: No.
CGP: I guess I'd have to wait, like everyone else for them to pop out then, I'm not a very patient dude, but I guess I could wait like 10 minutes.
Tara: Aren't we going to talk about my career?
CGP: (uncontrollable laughter)
Tara: I'm serious!
CGP: (choking on the Skittles I was eating)
Tara: I mean, I know those assholes cancelled Taradise, but it was the fault of the editors!
CGP: (finishing up with laughter) Oh my god, I'm almost died there, but it was soooo worth it Tara. Ok, I do have a question for you, what is editing?
Tara: It's like this thing that the people with the cameras do.
CGP: You mean the cameramen?
Tara: Yeah, I guess so.
CGP: Wrong. Want to try again?
Tara: It's how they make the show all bad and stuff, I don't know, it wasn't my fault. They made me look like a drunk whore, who drank and partied all the time. I looked stupid, I'm not stupid, I'm just usually very drunk, and that doesn't really help me remember stuff or do things so well.
CGP: You mean do stuff well like act, I just want you to know that I'm making air quotes when I refer to what you do as acting.
Tara: I didn't understand that.
CGP: Big surprise.
Tara: It doesn't matter though, I'm still a movie star.
CGP: (more laughter)
Tara: I've been in a bunch of films, it's me Tara, Tara Reid, I act.
CGP: You were just in The Crow: Wicked Prayer. Any comments about that?
Tara: Are you sure, no way, I don't remember that.
CGP: I mean I didn't see it, but I just checked out IMDB, you were listed in the cast, there was a picture of you on the poster.
Tara: Dave Matthews? What? I hate editors?
CGP: Were you just asking me if you hate editors?
Tara: When is Paris coming over, do you know when? We are going to party tonight!
CGP: I feel very sorry for your family.
Tara: I'm an actress, I can act.
CGP: Yeah, really, that's great. Listen, Ummm, the IRS is on the other line, I'd much rather speak to them than continue this conversation. Good luck with future wardrobe malfunctions and malicious editing techniques.
Tara: Lucious, I used to date him, we had a threesome with Bijou Phillips. Hello?

Title Tracks I Like (no particular order)

1. "Cish Cash": Kish Kash; Basement Jaxx

2. "Parklife": Parklife; Blur

3. "Another Green World": Another Green World; Brian Eno

4. "London Calling": London Calling; The Clash

5. "Disintegration": Disintegration; The Cure

6. "Lost Souls": Lost Souls; Doves

7. "Bleed American": Bleed American; Jimmy Eat World

8. "Mezzanine": Mezzanine; Massive Attack

9. "Aquemini": Aquemini; Outkast

10. "Kid A": Kid A; Radiohead

11. "Love is Hell": Love is Hell; Ryan Adams

12. "Rings Around The World": Rings Around The World: Super Furry Animals

13. "The Unforgettable Fire": The Unforgettable Fire; U2

14. "Zooropa": Zooropa; U2

15. "Summer Teeth": Summer Teeth; Wilco

Sunday, November 06, 2005

I can relate

In the new issue of Rolling Stone, from the hot list, Talking Heads Brick Box Set...This crucial collection contains nearly every note Talking Heads recorded. But when our co-worker got it, she just played "This Must Be the Place" over and over like a mental patient.

Friday, November 04, 2005

"Dirty Harry" video (Gorillaz)

Gorillaz have the coolest videos, no one can touch them. Click here to see their latest. Yes even better than Aha "Take on Me".

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Which is "coolest"

1. Having the fourth deepest free dive in the history of the world.

2. Discovering dinosaur bones.

3. Being able to "pound" anything in the world. Meaning like, an insect or a tree or a lamp-post, anything.

4. Having caught a 60+ yard football touchdown. The ball bounces off the defender's helmet and miraculously falls into your arms and you are then able to run into the end-zone.

editor's note: I'm trying to solve (or maybe start, I'm not sure yet) a very fucking stupid debate of sorts, so your input is much needed and appreciated.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

WTF? part deux

Oh wow, Christina Aguilera is letting a "lucky" fan leave a 60-second e-mail message to be included on a new song off her upcoming album (which should be titled Hooker, I actually fuck people for money, I'd dress like this if I worked at Dairy Queen, I really like my job too!) which will probably be called something like Krazie Yo! (the funny thing is Christina actually thinks Krazie is how you spell Crazy, just like she thought dirrty was actually spelled dirty, she's basically fucking retarded). Anyway as mentioned before she's going to incorporate some 60-second message into a song, from a fan (people actually like this chick, go figure) anyway here's a re-imagining of sorts from a fan that I really hope makes the ablum, that's right, ablum...

Ohhh Christina, I so love your music, you rock sister. My name is Katie and your whole image and music has affected me in amazing and life-altering ways. You are such a beautiful girl with a positive self-image, what do you weigh? like 90 lbs.? Anyway I just love you so much, so I stopped eating to try to emulate the positive self-image that you and your music promote, I'm cold all the time and often faint now, but I'm a size 2!!! It's so great, I got used to the hunger pains after the first six months, and if I do have to eat it's not really a problem I just throw it up afterwards, problem solved!!! And I have to thank you for it, you're the greatest!!! As for my wardrobe, well, I just thought you looked so great in the "Dirrty" video, those chaps! Oh my god, so hot! So I've taken to wearing chaps everywhere I go. It's really great for parties, guys are always talking to me, they can see the self-empowerment and "I don't care what anyone thinks" attitude that my chaps and other slinky garments stand for, they can notice a strong woman when they see one. The only problem is it's hard to find employment when wearing chaps on a daily basis, I now work at a dude ranch. As mentioned before I'm a small girl so roping the cattle is very hard on my small frame, I've been injured many times, I'm actually calling from the hospital right now, but who cares? Right? Us sisters got to stick together, show what we're made of! This talking has really zapped my energy, I have ruptured spleen, four broken ribs, and a lacerated liver and I'm not used to the food, intervenes feeding I can't help it, be at the gym when I get out, better believe it!! Anyway I feel really light-headed I hope I win, love you soooo much Xtina Thanks your fav (sound of the phone hitting and bouncing off the ground)

editor's note: For the love of god don't click the link to her website, they play a clip from one of her terrible songs.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

November...

Thanksgiving, cold weather, ummm some other stuff, I'm tired, changing the heading.