same as it ever was (talking heads)

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Atlanta Aquarium

In an effort to one-up the state of Tennessee, Atlanta is about to open a huge aquarium (I don't know or really care when it actually opens, it could be tomorrow or two years from now, all I know is that they've changed the exit signs on I-75 to show where to go for the aquarium). An aquarium? No shit, it's supposed to be the largest aquarium in the world. I have an aquarium at home and trust me, it's not that cool. Fish are the quitters of the pet world, always dying. Anyway I'm kind of perplexed as to why Atlanta is the site of some huge aquarium considering it's a huge hub for Marine Biology and all. Here are some suggestions so the aquarium doesn't suck.

1. Alcohol (Thanks aquarium drunkard). Yes, and lots of it. Basically the activities that you do when attending an aquarium revolve around looking at and talking about fish and other sea life. What sane person would want to do this sober? See, alcohol can make even the most boring activities enjoyable. If the aquarium doesn't serve alcohol, you're basically fucked. You now have two options left. First off, you can break up with your girlfriend who is forcing you to attend the aquarium, try this one on for size..."Jesus Tiffany, looking at fucking jellyfish all day isn't going to change the fact that you fucked my best friend. It's over!" Even if she didn't cheat on you, it doesn't matter, she'll think you're crazy and you won't have to go to the aquarium that doesn't serve alcohol. Option number two, do a bunch of drugs in the parking lot before entering.

2. Wet T-Shirt Contests. It's a fucking aquarium, they can spare the water, it's basically everywhere.

3. Employees dressed up like the Sea Captain form "The Simpsons". They must also affect his accent..."Yar Matey's would all ye scallywags like to buy some T-shirts from ye olde treasure shop? Arrrggg, 100% pre-shrunk cotton." I myself would do drugs in the parking lot and check this out.

4. Mermaids. A mermaid tank is key to a successful aquarium. Have you ever seen an unattractive mermaid? I haven't either. Always with those sea-shell bras too, hot shit. They should position a central bar by the mermaid tank too so people can go and hit on the mermaids. I mean, watching two mermaids get all lesbo in the tank would be a huge draw, but they need some lovin themselves. I mean I don't think it's physically possible to fuck a mermaid, but getting blown by one is even cooler than a threesome.

5. A five star restaurant. If I'm looking at seafood all day long, I'm bound to get hungry. It may cost a pretty penny to actually buy a baby seal for dinner, but all I'm saying is that it should at least be on the menu.

These are just some of suggestions to liven up the Atlanta? Aquarium. I just HOPE it's as cool as underground ATL.


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Thursday, November 10, 2005 10:17:00 PM

Anonymous bones said...

Hilarious list... In all seriousness, I figure one day I'll need to check this out. But I too am a little concerned about the beer situation. If they don't serve it there, are there any kick-ass bars within walking distance? Maybe for a quick stop before embarking on the long and strenuous tour of water?

On a similar note, do they serve beer at Six Flags?

Friday, November 11, 2005 9:30:00 AM

Blogger Scrubby Nub and The Bothered Brigade said...

I actually think it will be sweet. Atlanta doesn't get a whole lot of respect on the global scale. We had a shot during the Olympics, but fucked that up by allowing a pipe bomb to go off.

I agree, though. Blow job giving mermaids are almost a must in the aquarium business these days.

Friday, November 11, 2005 11:29:00 AM

Blogger Martin McFriend said...

At the LBC Aquarium, the stingrays are like little puppies. They swim up to you and bark at you to pet their heads. LSHISMP.

Friday, November 11, 2005 1:37:00 PM

Blogger The Captain of the Ship said...

I was thinking sushi, but is that just mean?

Friday, November 11, 2005 1:55:00 PM

Anonymous elliott said...

i'll step up and volunteer to do some field research for cgpop. i am attending an office xmas party at the aquarium in early december, which, as far as office parties go, is pretty cool. i will report back with info on the important issues such as beer, fellating mermaids, and whether or not we can eat the scenery. and maybe scrubby nub was being sarcastic, but i agree with him and think the aquarium is pretty cool.

Friday, November 11, 2005 2:10:00 PM

Blogger Scrubby Nub and The Bothered Brigade said...

No Elliot, I am being sincere. Next time I'm in Atlanta, I'm going, that's all there is to it, I'm fuckin' going.

Friday, November 11, 2005 2:13:00 PM

Anonymous max said...

I think it will be very cool as well.

One good way to livin up an aquarium would be to have daily fights between creatures. The title bout could be say a great white shark and a nasty croc!

I got the shark for sure especially if its in deep water.

Who you got?

Friday, November 11, 2005 2:19:00 PM

Blogger Scrubby Nub and The Bothered Brigade said...

I think maneuverability gives it to the croc - one juke, a chomp to the gills, and croc destroys that aussie bastard.

Friday, November 11, 2005 2:38:00 PM

Anonymous bones said...

If the battle takes place on land, my bet is on the croc.

Friday, November 11, 2005 2:57:00 PM

Blogger Satisfied '75 said...

aquariums. aye.

Friday, November 11, 2005 3:11:00 PM

Anonymous max said...

Bones on land obviously the croc would win because the shark could not breathe, hell I could defeat a shark on land but in an aquarium like in Atlanta we would have 10-12 feet of water and it would be an easy victory for Jaws he would be way to fast just swim around back and chomp on the croc.. Think about it man.

If anyone here knows I think it would be the pirate who obviously has the most experience in this, Arrrgh!!

Friday, November 11, 2005 4:26:00 PM

Blogger cgpop said...

I think the aquarium is a good idea too, it's just really weird that it's in Atlanta. Good work on the field op work there Elliot, I smell a guest post possibility.

In all seriousness, a large salt water croc would destroy a fucking great white. No question.

Friday, November 11, 2005 5:20:00 PM

Anonymous bones said...

max, i see your point. however, i still say the crock would win, even in 10-12 feet of water. As long as the shark was not in water.

Friday, November 11, 2005 5:43:00 PM

Blogger Satisfied '75 said...

all kinds of strange ass probably trolling up in that bitch.

Friday, November 11, 2005 6:25:00 PM

Anonymous tark the shark said...

are you people hallucinating??? shark wins hands down. how quickly we forget about the croc that was eaten by a large snake in the everglades recently. A snake!?! the croc stands no chance against the great white. besides, everyone knows that you can easily outrun a croc by running in a zigzag. how are you outrunning a shark eh?

Saturday, November 12, 2005 12:22:00 AM

Blogger cgpop said...

Jerry, you have a biased opinion.

Saturday, November 12, 2005 8:51:00 AM

Blogger cgpop said...

Tark, I re-read your comment again. I hope that everyone could outrun a shark. Sharks don't have legs, I do. I surely can't out swim a shark, but in the 100 yard dash I'll fucking work a shark.

Sunday, November 13, 2005 11:38:00 AM

Blogger Tropical Fish Guy said...

Great post. I really liked it. You may like my blog about aquarium fish . Please take a look and leave a comment about it.

Sunday, January 15, 2006 12:24:00 PM

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