same as it ever was (talking heads)

Saturday, December 31, 2005

Head's ups/Resolutions/Most ridiculous thing I've ever seen/Changing TagLine/Go drink already

Everyone head over to their local media play, everything, I mean everything is 40-60% off! I picked up a bunch o Christmas gifts up there and stopped by again today. I got Yo La Tengo
I Can Hear The Heart Beating As One and RJD2 Since We Last Spoke for a combined total of $14. The store shuts it's doors on January 20th, but go ASAP most of the good shit is gone, but searching can lead to some quality finds.

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION (S): Ok, you know when you are about to go into a building and someone opens the door and they see you about to enter the same door so they feel obliged to hold it open a little longer for you but you aren't really close enough to them to casually stroll over to the door so you end up doing a half jog/run thing to get to the door, you do this because they are trying to be nice by holding the door open but in actuality it's a burden to you because you now have to run over to the door so as not to be an asshole? I am done doing this jog/run, totally finished. I don't care if people give me a dirty look or whatever, it's a fucking door, I really have no trouble opening doors myself. Oh yeah, I also promise to work on my Mick Jagger dance moves, I've been busting them out here and there lately. I'd give myself a B- right now, I'll be an A+ by year's end.

Holy shit, isn't that picture the most ridiculous shit you've ever seen? I don't think Jose knows that is actually a net to catch fish in. Nice find couger.

Header Change: Thanks to buddy MJP for supplying this month's header change. Put in context its an exchange from Bright Lights, Big City between the narrator and Tad Allagash. Tad just told two models that the narrator's wife has leukemia, this is untrue. The chicks are concerned. I'm sure I'll be turning back to this read for more taglines, choke full.

editor's note: Go drink already, it's new year's eve.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

"Happy New Year's!"..."What the fuck did you say to me?"

"I, ummm, I said, Happy New Year's?"
"Oh, really? Well fuck you too! You just assumed I went by your calendar huh? Fucking typical!"
"Yeah, I was just trying to be nice. I'm really sorry if I offended you."
"Well it's a bit too late for that now isn't it jerkoff!"
"Again, I'm really sorry."
"Sorry doesn't cut it. Look at you, you're white, I bet you have a job too. You're the MAN. Fuck you republican blood-sucker."
"You're white also."
"Oh, nice comeback. You know there are some of us who don't go by YOUR calendar asshole! I'm a fucking pagan OK!"
"Shoving your fucking agenda down my throat. What would you say to me on Valentine's day?"
"Probably nothing."
"I don't know, Happy Valentine's Day? I guess? I don't know, probably nothing."
"That's what I thought, Happy Valentine's Day! I knew it! I'm a fucking eunuch! We don't celebrate, Valentine's day!"
"Ok, fine. Can I leave now?"
"How about St. Patrick's day?"
"Oh let me see, Happy Saint Patty's day."
"I'm fucking Scottish, you hate-monger!"
"Ok, fine, I'll never wish anybody happy anything anymore, you cool with that?"
"A bit too late for that...hey where are you going? Come back here, I'm not done yelling at you yet!"

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Cartoons and drug use (continued): Yogi the Bear

Yogi the Bear! What a fucking pot head! The first step in noticing this is that Yogi is basically unemployed. Sure he's got a tie on, but trust me, he overslept and missed that job interview. Always lounging around the national forest. Extremely lethargic, he's too tired to even scare people, and he's a fucking bear. He has to wait to steal people's picnic baskets. And come on now how many picnic baskets can one eat in a single day? Got the munchies much there Yogi? Also he lives in a fucking Jellystone national park! A bunch of room to grow your own shit. The thing that disturbs me the most is his relationship with Boo-Boo. Boo-Boo seems like a straight-laced type cub who tries to keep Yogi out of trouble, but why in the hell would Boo-Boo's mom let him hang out with a lawless ganja toker like Yogi?! I mean sooner than later Boo-Boo is going to be smoking the shit too! Ranger Smith really needs to call DFACS on her ass. Ranger Smith, what the fuck is your job pal? Why the fuck isn't Yogi in lockdown? Jellystone's got a Rastifarian serial burglar running rampant through the forest. Does anyone think this is a safe situation? Unbelievable, no wonder travel to our national parks has decreased steadily the last decade*.

editor's note:* That statistic is a lie, unlike the rest of the post.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

More blogs I'd like to see (continued)

Still haven't started a blog? Thinking of starting one for the new year? I did a post a while back about some different blogs that I'd like to see pop up, that I'd read on a daily basis, that would get an immediate link. I thought of a couple more. These are kind of specific, but if you fit into either of these categories what are you waiting for?

1. yuppie This would be dedicated to the topic of yuppies having sex. Where they had sex, was it rough, were there multiple orgasms, etc., etc. A typical post might look a little something like this...
It was Saturday and Margo and I wanted to take the Range Rover for a spin. That's a lie, actually I just made her go along so she wouldn't take her black Amex to the mall for the eighth straight weekend. It's good to take a drive into the country once in a while. I asked Margo if she wanted to get out and walk around a little bit to breathe some fresh air, thankfully she said no. We decided to fuck in the back of the Rover. These things aren't as spacious as you'd think, so we went at it missionary style, seeing as it was the most comfortable way after we put down the rear seats. The sex was adequate, I made sure I shot inside her because I just had the thing detailed. I don't really think we'll drive to the country anymore, our bedroom is much better suited for fucking than is the Rover...

2. I'm a shitty Taco Bell Just the journal of a worthless high school kid who works at Taco Bell...
Another typical Wednesday. I showed up 30 minutes late, the earliest I've gotten to work this month. I was really high, I stole some pretty decent bud from my sister this morning. I was of course working the drive-thru. I had to ask the stupid ass customers if they wanted to try the new Nacho Bellgrande, none of them wanted it. What a bunch of fucking assholes, I have to say that shit and it takes a long time, at least some of them could order it. I'd say I got about 50% of the orders correct, a pretty decent percentage considering how high I was. I also started to drink vodka half-way through my shift (my buddy Mike, he works the taco line, snuck some in for us). I made sure I was a asshole to every customer who came through the drive-thru, fuck them for making me do stuff! They could just walk inside! Oh yeah I failed my History and Math tests today too.

Monday, December 26, 2005

Hit this up

It's almost 2006, January 2006 to be more specific. I change the tagline of this here blog every month and stuff. I haven't decided what to put up for next month. Leave some suggestions in the comments section. It could be from a commercial, song lyrics, a book passage, movie quote, something along those lines. We got a couple of days here folks, help me out. Cool. Above is a picture of national treasure Tara Reid out on a normal Tuesday evening, fast approaching Courtney Love status.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Favorite thing I've read all year

I know I couldn't have expressed myself as well as Scrubby Nub and Marty did here, but I totally agree wholeheartedly with step 23. I am very happy with the decision to start the blog this year, and I really do think that blogging is a healthy activity. Click the link and read.

(random) editor's note: Why do I find beastiality so funny? It's totally fucking sick. Merry Christmas all.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Favorite 10 albums 2005

10. Human After All; Daft Punk: Universally panned, but I commend Daft Punk for going in a different direction. I think they could have easily made an album that sounded similar to Discovery, but they decided to change things up a bit (not too many electronic artists strive to do this) so my hat is off to them. All that being said I like Discovery and (especially) Homework much more. Download or Steal/"Technologic"/"Emotion"

9. The Understanding; Royksopp: More electronic, done very well. Some dancey shit and some shit reminiscent of Brian Eno. Totally solid effort. Download or Steal/"Sombre Detune"/"Follow My Ruin"

8. Broken Social Scene; Broken Social Scene: A much denser album than its predecessor but a marvel nonetheless. 17 members yada yada, these guys are no novelty act, the music speaks for itself. Download or Steal/"Fire Eye'd Boy"/"Hotel"

7. Demon Days; Gorillaz: Not up to par with their explosive debut album (one of my favorite 20 albums all-time) but a great cd in its own right. Albarn can do no wrong in my eyes (he probably could but hasn't even come close to disappointment yet) sadly he's a musical genius who will never get the proper respect he deserves. The singles off this album are fucking incredible, but everyone already knows that. Download or Steal/ "Feel Good Inc."/"Dare"/"Last Living Souls"

6. Silent Alarm; Bloc Pary: Killer debut from across the pond. I was (and still am really) a British music junkie, but Canada and New York have passed up England in the past few years. I'm really glad to see these guys come around, I think they have staying power. Download or Steal/"Price of Gas"/"Like Eating Glass"

5. Invisible Invasion; The Coral: Best album yet from The Coral (a very young and prolific bunch, 4th album in the last 3 years) a band who is underappreciated, also a distinct sound from all the other new music that I listen to. The only real strike against this album is that I was unable to put it on my computer (meaning no iTunes or iPod action) that did piss me off quite a bit. Download or Steal/"Leaving Today"/"Warning to the Curious"

4. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah; Clap Your Hands Say Yeah: This album received hype for all the right reasons, the music is great. This album has indie sensibilities (I don't know what the fuck that means) and a cool new-wave vibe (that is true) running through some of the songs. There isn't a bad song on this album. Download or Steal/"Over and Over Again (Lost and Found)"/"In This Home on Ice"/"Upon This Tidal Wave of Young Blood"

3. Cosmic Game; Thievery Corporation: Wow, is all I can say. This is loungey electronic music done almost perfectly. I don't skip songs on this album (and that never happens in this genre of music). TC are also masters of using guest vocalists another trick that is hard to pull off successfully (David Byrne, Wayne Coyne, Perry Farrell amongst others). Download or Steal/"Amerimacka"/"The Heart's a Lonely Hunter"/"The Time We Lost Our Way"

2. Twin Cinema; New Pornographers: I'm so happy that I actually picked this album up. I'd heard from everyone that these dudes were great but I was reluctant b/c I thought to myself that I don't really like pure pop music. Boy was I wrong. I would recommend this to anyone who likes music even a little bit. They are guaranteed to like this collection of songs. This is probably the best album of the year, but I like one a little bit better. Download or Steal/"Use It"/"Jackie Dressed in Cobras"/"The Bones of an Idol"

1. Apologies to the Queen Mary; Wolf Parade: It's totally simple, this is easily the most listened to album of the year (by me). I haven't even considered taking out of my car, I still listen to it almost obsessively three months after its release. A top three release of the new millennium (along with Turn on the Bright Lights and Antics) in my opinion. Download or Steal/"We Built Another World"/"Shine A Light"/"Dear Sons and Daughters of Hungry Ghosts"/"This Heart's on Fire"

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

The CGP interview #4, "The Grinch"

CGP: Ok, let's cut right to the chase you crazy bastard, are you going to try and steal Christmas this year?
Grinch: I just can't reveal my secrets, it just wouldn't be right.
CGP: Come on...hey wait, aren't you supposed to rhyme?
Grinch: Oh that, yeah see my contract is up with the Doctor. I'm a free agent right now. I do birthday parties, bah mitzvahs, Shakespeare in the Park, lounge acts, you name it. Anyone out there can contact my agent Murray...
CGP: Let me stop you there, we don't really care about any of that, quit dodging, stealing Christmas this year... yes or no.
Grinch: I really can't say.
CGP: My producer/editor told me you'd be answering this question Grinch, now cough it up!
Grinch: Ok, ok, I was just messing with you. Yep, I'm stealing Christmas this year. Try not and let too many people know ahead of time.
CGP: I figured as much, are you going to puss out this time?
Grinch: Nope, don't worry about that. Cindy Who's all grown up and in the porn industry now.
CGP: Really? Wow. Have you ever thought about stealing Channakuh or Kwanza?
Grinch: I've kicked the thought around, but It'd be a logistical nightmare. Whereas Christmas is just on a single day the others are to spread out. I have other interests besides stealing Christmas. Mime work is one of them.
CGP: Fascinating stuff. I've always wondered why everyone got so worked up about the fact that you tried to steal Christmas. I mean it's a pretty shitty thing to do, but it's nothing compared to what the Who's of Whoville did to your kind.
Grinch: Yeah, you know I've always wondered the same thing. The plight of the Grinchy's has never really been covered by the mainsteam media.
CGP: Yeah, I've done some research. There hasn't been a genocide as large as the "Grinch Lynch" seen on this side of the Atlantic since the days of manifest destiny. Those Who's really hated your kind and definitely exterminated the majority of your race. I can't really blame them though, you are a disgusting peoples.
Grinch: Ha Ha, you are a kidder you.
CGP: Yeah, I wasn't kidding. It's been real Grinch, the proper authorities will be informed of your attempts to steal Christmas again thanks fo...
Grinch: One more thing before we go!
CGP: What?
Grinch: I do haiku now, you asked me why I don't rhyme anymore, I do haiku. Wanna hear one?
CGP: No, but go ahead. I'm hanging up then.
Grinch: Great!

blood red squirt squirt stop drip taste
Yes the end is (click)

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Happy Holidays

I google imaged the term Happy Holidays to see the first image that would come up. This was it. I don't really care that people say happy holidays now, and I don't really care if I say Merry Christmas to an atheist or what have you, I just want to make fun of this picture, and penguins in general. First off how the fuck did that penguin get that fucking hat? Penguins and birds in general don't wear hats, it's a fact. Plus that's a hat that Santa would wear. So even though the caption says "Happy Holidays" the underlying message is clear, all non-christians, get the fuck out. Fucking intolerant penguins, strike two assholes. What the fuck happened to that penguin eye? One looks normal and one is lying on its side. This penguin sucks, they all do. Penguins are birds that swim? Last time I checked birds were supposed to fly. What a bunch of bullshit. I can fucking swim. The Penguin. What a lame-ass arch villain. How in the world am I supposed to be scared of a bad guy played by Danny DeVito? Danny DeVito is like 5 feet tall. Why would I be scared of an army of penguins? I could push them over and they'd fall down, I could then calmly walk away.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Bumper Stickers

ahhhh yes. Show the world that you are a non-conformist. Do you like stuff? Well sure you do, why don't you let everybody else know that you like stuff, then let them know what that stuff is. Do some things make you mad? Like TV, bad drivers, or environmental concerns? Fuck those bad things, share your frustration with a defiant bumper sticker to protest THE MAN. I mean, I haven't yet killed my TV, but I only watch it for six hours a day now! I'm getting close "Kill your TV" bumper sticker. Fuck all that, I know a bumper sticker that I could use now! "I hate TV and THE MAN but still watch six hours of TV a day! Go fuck yourself George Bush!". That would be an awesome bumper sticker! Shit! Politics! I don't really consider myself on either side of the political spectrum (they both totally my opinion) but I've got to get me one of those black W bumper sticker, those are hot. I love to invade shit! Just try and suicide bomb me, "Texas! Fuck YEAH!" That's another one! I'm on a roll! Or maybe I could get a "Don't blame me I voted Democrat" stickers. I might have to get some sort of amnesia to ever actually vote for a democrat but (we're talking long term soap opera type amnesia) but I'd cool with people like Al Franken and Janeane Garofalo. Al Franken! That guy was hilarious! I mean, "Stuart Saves his Family" I was actually in tears after I saw the movie. Janeane Garofalo! Come on, you may think she's a stupid cunt who doesn't know what the fuck she speaks of (and you'd be right) but at least she'd like my bumper sticker! What would my liberal bumper sticker be? How about, "Liberals... sure communism doesn't work, but at least we listen to good music". Fuck Yeah! Religious zealots. Here's the wackiest group of all, but a very large wacky group, many of whom memorialize Jesus in the most thoughtful of letting all of us know that he died for our sins with a piece of paper stuck to their bumpers! God bless you all, truly modern day saints, I'm sure all of you will make it heaven, and the rest of the evil sinners w/o bumper stickers will rot in a fiery hell. I want to go to heaven! I gotta get me a religious bumper sticker. How about..."Jesus Christ is my safety belt", that'll do it, I'm sure! Music! I love music! I soooo want to be like that dude in the VW van with all the dancing bears and widespread bumper stickers. The one who had to quit his job at Krystal to follow Phish on their last cross-country tour and also resorted to selling pot brownies to support his pregnant wife while they spread music love hope. I don't want these people to think I'm a fucking narc, I'm getting me some dancing bears, or maybe this would be better, "I haven't cut or washed my beard in 12 years, and I just lost a joint in it". Perfect. Soccer Moms! I know I drive extra careful when I see a "baby on board" sticker. I'd like to see a statistic of car crashes with soccer moms who have a BOB sticker on their Chrysler mini van, I bet it's 0%. I bet it can guarantee safety. I don't want to get in a car crash. Maybe I can get a BOBBS, I'd be lying though (again), maybe this would work better, "Leather clad transvestite midget on board, similar in size to a toddler". YES! My safety would be intact!

Bumper sticker. I have ideas like things do stuff know stuff say stuff feelings thoughts am unique and original do not follow 4 leaf clover etc etc etc8yearoldpubliclyurinatingonafordorchevysymbol...

Monday, December 12, 2005

I don't know an apt title for this post

maybe it should be, "totally fucking awesome idea!". I mean this isn't possible, dogs would suck at cards, they don't even have opposable thumbs (they don't even have thumbs at all...they have paws), so no way could they hold the cards. Also, usually at least, dogs favorite activities consist of chewing stuff, digging, barking, licking themselves, napping, and getting petted. I have a dog, I wish it could play poker (tail wag is an immediate tell) I would take all of its money (if it actually possessed any currency...remember it's a dog). Moving on. Anyway, the fact that dogs can't play poker is what makes this painting a classic and whoever did it is totally rich now (also poker is awesome)(am I being serious in that last sentence except for the rich part?). Here are some more suggestions for painting involving animals (creatures maybe) and games (maybe activities too).

1. Scrabble and Goldfish
2. Chess and Hippos
3. Russian Roulette and Polar Bears
4. Chutes and Ladders and Sea Turtles (must be sea turtles though, otherwise not funny)
5. Dominos and Flamingos
6. Blackjack and Ants
7. Bowling and Turkeys (double funny)
8. Yachting and Cats (they HATE water)
9. Curling and Spiders
10. Polo and Great White Sharks (Tiger Sharks would suffice, of course)
11. Hopscotch and Alligators
12. Skydiving and Yaks
13. Gymnastics and Carrier Pigeons
14. Football and Tigers
15. Crack Smoking and Dolphins

editor's note: I can't fucking paint, so anyone out there who can...Merry Christmas, these are all fucking gold I tell you. I mean, curling and spiders? No way could a spider push the curling things or run and hold the brooms, they'd get killed probably instantaneously if they even attempted to try this activity. Absolute cash.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Fuck, I had time to post (things I'd like to see King-Kong destroy)

1. Smirnov Ice
2. That sitcom, Joey.
3. The Oscars, Emmy's, Espy's, MTV music video awards, MTV movie awards, Latin Emmy's, Country Music Awards, Billboard Music Awards, American Music Awards, MTV Europra Awards (or whatever the fuck they're called), BET Music Awards, Source Music Awards The Golden Globes, The Tony Awards, AFI Awards, VH1 Big in (insert year) awards, Comedy Central Awards Show (yes, there is one), Teen-Choice Awards, Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards, Nick-at-Night Awards Show, I'm sure there are many more...King-Kong needs to destroy all of them.
4. Reggaeton
5. Macaroni Art
6. "Greatest" "Hits" compilations from all 80's hair-"metal" "bands"
7. Sean Salisbury, the official largest doucherocket of the past year, I fucking hate him.
8. Ellen Degeneres (did i even need to put this down? probably Kong's first target)
9. Flashbacks and/or dreams (in movies and especially TV shows)
10. Creepy mall Santa's who look like Santa the entire year.
11. Actors/models/Dj's/heroin addicts (only kidding, I admire this set greatly, seeing as they are better than me)
12. Meteorologists
13. British Night aka BK (shoes and commercials for shoes)
14. Mothra (that's not right, is it?)
15. Sunny Delight (worst tasting drink ever, I would rather get a blood transfusion with the "Purple Stuff" before I had to drink a glass of Sunny D)

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Scooby-Doo Theory (The first of many posts about cartoon characters and drug intake)

First off, don't worry, this isn't a post about how Scooby and Shaggy smoke pot (I'll cover this a little, but this thing goes much deeper than that). This is a post about the most notorious drug taking cartoon of all time....Fred....yes Fred. Allow me to explain....

The fact of the matter is, I don't care if this is modern day or 1960's or 1970's or any era post...oh I'll say 1950's to be safe, anyone who wears an orange scarf on a daily basis is either A. totally gay or B. a complete drug taking maniac. I hope we can all agree on this point, because really what other excuse do dudes have for wearing an orange scarf on a daily basis? Not like an "Oh it's really cold and snowing outside I'd better put on my orange scarf so I don't catch a cold" orange scarf, but an everyday accessory orange scarf, worn everyday. I'll re-iterate, only gay people and drug maniacs. That's cleared up now. Ok, next step. Fred is totally straight. Allow me to explain....

Daphne, Ok. Daphne isn't a drug addict, but she's a complete whore. Let's look at her get-up on a daily basis. High heels, a short purple skirt, and FUCKING LIGHT LACEY PURPLE PANTYHOSE! This is easy pickens fellas, girls who wear shit like this don't even need alcohol, they are ready to go already. If another girl walked into a room dressed like Daphne dresses on a regular basis all the other chicks would quietly say to each other, "Heather, oh Heather come here!", "What? Oh My God!", "I knooooowwww, what a fucking whore!", "Total slut! What a slut-bag!". And they'd be right, she's a total whore, whores, hookers, what have you, they dress like this. Ok, so Daphne is getting some dick, on a daily basis. The only possible person to supply Daphne with her daily hog craving is Fred. Don't believe me? I'll explain why Fred is the only person in the Gang who could satisfy Daphne. I'll go through the list...

Shaggy. Shaggy is bohemian stoner. Shaggy is so high on a daily basis he thinks that they are cruising around the country following Hot Tuna on tour. He doesn't understand why the gang keeps showing up haunted amusement parks. Daphne was a Kappa Kappa Gamma at FSU, she listens to ABBA. Oil and Water don't mix folks, even though Daphne is whore she wouldn't touch Shaggy with Velma's pussy.

Velma. Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure Velma would be more than happy satisfy any of Daphne's sexual needs. Velma was captain of the field hockey and women's golf teams at either Wellesley or Bryn Mawr (you can decide for yourself). Unfortunately for Velma, Daphne doesn't swing that way. Sure she hooked up with a couple of chicks at FSU, but that was more for the sake of experimentation. Sure, some drunk frat dude caught one of the episodes and posted it on the web (making Velma even more sexually frustrated) but she doesn't swing that way anymore. Where are we at? Scooby-Doo.

Scooby-Doo. Sure she likes the dick and and was a pseudo-lesbian in college, but Daphne isn't enough of a freak to have sex with a dog, even a dog with the gift of speech. She wouldn't have to dress like a whore to fuck a dog. I'm sure most dogs would be glad to have sex with a chick as hot as Daphne. So since Scooby-Doo isn't on the list we can go ahead and rule out Scrappy-Doo as well.

The Harlem Globetrotters. You bet your ass she's fucked all repeat ALL of the Globetrotters (possibly at the same time), but they only popped up to help solve crime periodically. As we've already mentioned she needs a constant flow of dick. Abbot and Costello? Maybe, also part-timers though.

Fred. Yes, Fred, I've led us back to Fred. Daphne and Fred get it on like rabbits. So this means that not only Scooby and Shaggy are stoned 24/7 but Fred is a fucking walking medicine cabinet. Don't (or do) worry, I'll explain more about cartoon characters and drug use, I just wanted to get these cartoon drug icons out of the way first (and explain to the uninitiated about Fred! A fucking orange scarf dude?! Everyday!!! Put down the ketamine pal.)

editor's note: First off shout-outs to marathonpacks and aquariumdrunk for their excellent interviews on muzzleofbees yesterday and today. You dudes and chicks should be reading (if you're not already) these superior music blogs. Also the posts may slow down a bit the next two weeks leading up to Christmas. I still love the blogging I will just be extremely busy allowing diminished time for my favorite hobby, just a heads up. Also I got on some of that my space shiot, I see this as a great opportunity to fuck around and waste more of my time (Bones, what is you's guys my space stuff, I'm badly in need of friends and shit).

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

I didn't realize

that Jack White was a 6'9" forward for Gonzaga.

editor's note: That's not Jack White, it's Adam Morrison. That picture isn't the best but the dude looks exactly like Jack White (he kinda looked like him last year, but he went all the way this year with the mustache, kudos Adam, kudos). Anyway, he may be the best college basketball player in the country this year. Someone at ESPN needs to get off their ass and send Kenny Mayne out to Washington to interview Morrison about his similar look to Jack White.

"St. Petersburg" video

video link here.

Monday, December 05, 2005

It happened

a few weeks back the world went officially fucking insane. Not in a good funny way either, but in a bad insane way. One of my friend's informed me that "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas was officially the number 1 downloaded song, on iTunes, of the week. I checked today and it was number 6?! When the fuck did people stop trying? And why wasn't I informed by a massive national alert system of sirens or something. I know everyone has heard this song, it is so bad that it truly defies all logic. It's honestly the worst song I've ever heard in my life, I know people often throw that phrase around but this isn't hyperbole. I would rather listen to that pussy Cat Dolls song five times in a row than listen to "My Humps" (and I was sure, positive that stupid horrible pussy Cat Dolls song was easily the worst song of the year, fuck you again Black Eyed Peas). If you like "My Humps" you are a horrible human being, end of story, with no real redeemable qualities either. If you have downloaded "My Humps" in a non-ironic fashion, all of your future music listening privledges should be revoked, and you should be kicked in the shin, very hard, by Chuck Norris, wearing steel toe boots. Anyway here are the "lyrics" to "My Humps", worst fucking shit imaginable....

What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps. (Check it out)
I drive these brothers crazy,
I do it on the daily,
They treat me really nicely,
They buy me all these icies.
Dolce & Gabana,
Fendi and NaDonna
Karen they be sharin'
All their money got me wearin' fly
But I ain't askin,
They say they love my ass'n,
Seven Jeans, True Religion's,
I say no, but they keep on takin'
And no I ain't taken
We can keep on datin'
I keep on demonstrting.
My love, my love, my love, my love
You love my lady lumps,
My hump, my hump, my hump,
My humps they got u,
She's got me spending.
(Oh) Spendin' all you money on me and spending time on me.
She's got me spendin'.
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me, up on me, on
What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get, get you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
What you gon' do with all that ass?
All that ass inside them jeans?
I'm a make, make, make, make, you scream
Make u scream, make you scream.
Cos of my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps. (Check it out)
I met a girl down at the disco.
She said hey, hey, hey yea let's go.
I could be your baby, you can be my honey
Let's spend time not money.
I mix your milk with my cocoa puff,
Milky, milkly cocoa,
Mix your milk with my cocoa puff, milky, milky, riiiiiiight.
They say I'm really sexy,
They boys they wanna sex me.
They always standing next to me,
Always dancing next to me,
Tryin' a feel my hump, hump.
Lookin' at my lump, lump.
U can look but you can't touch it,
If you touch it I'ma start some drama,
You don't want to drama,
No drama, no drama, no, no, no, no drama
So don't pull on my hand boy,
You ain't my man boy,
I'm just tryn'a dance boy,
And move my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump
My lovely lady lumps (x3)
In the back and in the front.
My lovin got you
She's got me spendin'.
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me and spending time on me.
She's got me spendin'
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me, up on me, on me.
What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
What you gon' do with all that ass?
All that ass inside them jeans?
I'ma make, make, make, make you scream.
What you gon do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get, get you drunk,
Get you love drunk off this hump.
What you gon' do wit all that breast?
All that breast inside that shirt?
I'ma make, make, make, make you work
Make you work, work, make you work.
She's got me spendin'.
Spendin' all your money on me and spendin' time on me
She's got me spendin'
Spendin' all your money on me, up on me, on me.
editor's note: I'm in a bad mood now, I wonder what would cheer me up? Hmmm, well I don't wish death upon anyone, but if all of the Black Eyed Peas died tonight, I'd be in, yeah, I'd be in a much better mood, a great mood even.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

I like reading blogs

but there are some blogs that aren't yet in existence, that are sorely needed. Here is a list of some blogs that I would like to see pop up in the near to soon future.

1. Gisele Bundchen needs to marry This blog would consist of the advantages of Brazilian supermodel Gisele marrying me. Content would evolve around Gisele marrying me and the awesomeness that would ensue after this event. Some posts would be..."You wanna have sex again? Please.", "You're off to a modeling gig in Italy again? Cool, I'm going to continue to hang around the house drunk and unemployed." Immediate link, no questions asked.

2. dead Pandas are allright. Dead Pandas on the other hand, well...heaven pure heaven. Linklicious.

3. "A little bit" This site would be dedicated to Robert DiNero's Goodfellas lines. Some post would be..."Give me the fucking money!", "Fuck You!". I see a fucking link in the fucking future.

4. Go Fuck Yourself (literally) This would be dedicated to fucking yourself. Some posts would include..."I fucked myself today, it was awesome!". Do I even need to mention that this would get a link?

5. That's just funny. I mean, come on now, hilarious! Link!

6. A bunch of cool Chuck floating around out there. Chuck Norris, Chuck Sheen, Chuck Weiss, Chuck Brown. A post would consist of..."Chuck Murphy, Eddie's way less funny (and subsequently less rich) brother." I smell a link.

7. Did you know that eucalyptus leaves get koala bears high? And it's their only source of food! Dedicated to the funness of being a koala bear. A post might go a little bit like this..."If koala bears could talk, do you think that they'd have Australian accents?". Say it with me, link.

8. You can never have too many robberbarons floating around. Topic of discussion..."Bill Gates. 21st century robberbaron?". Umm, yeah, link.

9. If they make another I love the 80's I'm going to shoot someone in the This would obviously be a joke. I love I love the 80's! Linked up.

10. drunk I have a new hobby, drunk commenting on other people's blogs. Much more fun than sober commenting. Step 1: Drink a liter of Vodka, Step 2: find a post with an option for a link, Step 3: leave drunk comment. Cool...very

Friday, December 02, 2005

My endzone dance (s) would consist of...

1. I'd hide a gun under the goal post. I'd score a TD and shoot the ball and then a referee.

2. After scoring a touchdown, I'd whip off my pants and try to fuck the ball, with my dick.

3. I'd hide a place setting (knife, fork, salt and pepper shaker) in my uniform. After scoring a touchdown I'd put some salt and pepper on the ball. Next I'd cut the ball in half and attempt to eat some of it. After this act proved fruitless, I'd jump into the stands and accost an opposing fan with an opposing team member's jersey on. Then I'd say to him, "Hey! You're not Terrell Owens!" I'd then force him to eat the remainder (all) of the ball, I wouldn't put any more salt and pepper on the ball for him.

4. I'd climb to the top of the goalpost (after scoring a touchdown). Next I'd YELL, "Death to the infidels!"! Then I'd jump to my death (activating the suicide bomb that I had hidden under my uniform).

5. I'd hide a chainsaw in the stands with my agent. After I scored a touchdown, I'd go and retrieve the chainsaw. I'd chainsaw, "This is my fucking house bitches no one can hold me down WHAT WHAT!" into the defensive back that was trying to guard me while I scored the touchdown.

6. I'd do the moonwalk. This is after I had previously scored a touchdown.

7. I'd invite Carmen Elektra and Jenny McCarthy to the game. After scoring a touchdown I'd bring them down onto the field. I'd run into the tunnel and pull out a portable wrestling ring (I would have hidden this before the game, my offensive line mates would help me wheel it out). There would be a huge tub of jello in the center and Carmen and Jenny would jello wrestle in scantily clad attire. Unfortunately (for them at least) it'd be cold outside (we'd be playing a playoff game in Buffalo). So they'd both die of frostbite, maybe hypothermia, see some of the jello would turn to liquid when they were jello wrestling.

8. Hmmm, let's see, after scoring a touchdown, I'd flip the ball to the referee. I'd give one or two of my team-mates a high five, the ones who came to congratulate me. Then I'd hustle off the field to the sideline. I'd sit down on the bench. When the sideline cameraman came up to me instead of saying "Hi Mom" I'd say...nothing. See I'm just doing my job, so I'm acting like a professional, I've been here before and I'll be here again.

editor's note: #8 is a lie, I or no other self-respecting NFL player would ever show that much class.

You MUST click this link....

This is maybe the best forward I've ever gotten. Click the link, just do it, you must, you won't regret it, I promise. 30 facts about Chuck Norris, at least 10 are ROFLOL (did I do that right?)

editor's note: click the link, click it, now.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

It's December

and I've been sick. On the mend though, hate the dual cold/flu upside the head. I've changed the header (new month). In my opinion Christmas Vacation is far and away the best of the vacation movies. The original is pretty damn good too, but this one is my favorite. Anyway, Chevy Chase's career just goes to show that cocaine really does make some people funny (career advice Chevy... please get back on the stuff).

editor's note: In High School I had the same exact Chicago Bears hat that Clark wears throughout CV. It fit perfectly, broken in and everything. I broke and was able to tape it back up a couple of times, I finally lost it forever at a party, sad times.