same as it ever was (talking heads)

Friday, December 02, 2005

My endzone dance (s) would consist of...

1. I'd hide a gun under the goal post. I'd score a TD and shoot the ball and then a referee.

2. After scoring a touchdown, I'd whip off my pants and try to fuck the ball, with my dick.

3. I'd hide a place setting (knife, fork, salt and pepper shaker) in my uniform. After scoring a touchdown I'd put some salt and pepper on the ball. Next I'd cut the ball in half and attempt to eat some of it. After this act proved fruitless, I'd jump into the stands and accost an opposing fan with an opposing team member's jersey on. Then I'd say to him, "Hey! You're not Terrell Owens!" I'd then force him to eat the remainder (all) of the ball, I wouldn't put any more salt and pepper on the ball for him.

4. I'd climb to the top of the goalpost (after scoring a touchdown). Next I'd YELL, "Death to the infidels!"! Then I'd jump to my death (activating the suicide bomb that I had hidden under my uniform).

5. I'd hide a chainsaw in the stands with my agent. After I scored a touchdown, I'd go and retrieve the chainsaw. I'd chainsaw, "This is my fucking house bitches no one can hold me down WHAT WHAT!" into the defensive back that was trying to guard me while I scored the touchdown.

6. I'd do the moonwalk. This is after I had previously scored a touchdown.

7. I'd invite Carmen Elektra and Jenny McCarthy to the game. After scoring a touchdown I'd bring them down onto the field. I'd run into the tunnel and pull out a portable wrestling ring (I would have hidden this before the game, my offensive line mates would help me wheel it out). There would be a huge tub of jello in the center and Carmen and Jenny would jello wrestle in scantily clad attire. Unfortunately (for them at least) it'd be cold outside (we'd be playing a playoff game in Buffalo). So they'd both die of frostbite, maybe hypothermia, see some of the jello would turn to liquid when they were jello wrestling.

8. Hmmm, let's see, after scoring a touchdown, I'd flip the ball to the referee. I'd give one or two of my team-mates a high five, the ones who came to congratulate me. Then I'd hustle off the field to the sideline. I'd sit down on the bench. When the sideline cameraman came up to me instead of saying "Hi Mom" I'd say...nothing. See I'm just doing my job, so I'm acting like a professional, I've been here before and I'll be here again.

editor's note: #8 is a lie, I or no other self-respecting NFL player would ever show that much class.

21 Comments:

Blogger Captain Bee said...

I would pretend to give birth to the ball, rock it gently, then spike it violently.

Saturday, December 03, 2005 12:08:00 AM

 
Blogger Brent said...

Marvin Harrison does #8.

Saturday, December 03, 2005 10:04:00 AM

 
Blogger cgpop said...

Nice one Captain. True Pig.

Saturday, December 03, 2005 10:26:00 AM

 
Anonymous Chops said...

I don't believe in "LOL," but if I did, #2 is a LMFAOROTFPMP...

Saturday, December 03, 2005 12:05:00 PM

 
Anonymous bones said...

Hilarious.

And I agree with you, fucking a ball with a dick would be awesome.

Saturday, December 03, 2005 4:47:00 PM

 
Blogger Satisfied '75 said...

yes, fuck that ball with the dick. nose-fucking is truly over-rated

Sunday, December 04, 2005 1:03:00 PM

 
Blogger Chili Drip said...

How about after you score the TD, you have one of your big fat offensive lineman come into the endzone, take off his jersey and then do the "truffle shuffle" like Chunk in Goonies...

and then of course give him a nice slow chili dawg!

Monday, December 05, 2005 8:20:00 AM

 
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