same as it ever was (talking heads)

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Panic on the Streets of Atlanta

It happened, people have gone officially fucking bonkers on the streets of Atlanta, Ga. today. This morning gas prices started off at about $2.70 a gallon. Now prices at some stations are as high as $4.00 and the lines to get the gas are ten deep per pump. Somehow a rumor started that stations were running out of gas so typical mob/herd mentality took hold and everyone ran their ass up to the gas stations, and of course, only then did some stations start to run out of gas. Fucking unacceptable. The governor even issued a statement saying not to panic, radio stations were telling people to remain calm and not get gas unless necessary, but these messages have gone unheeded by the ATL masses. How fucking stupid can people be? If everyone would have followed their normal gas-getting routines (which, if you guys are like me happens when I actually need to fill up my tank) instead of believing some rumor they heard today from the fat secretary eating popcorn at 10:00 AM, who heard it from her half-slow sister who lives in a trailer, who heard it from...hmmm, let's say Oprah, or Ricki Lake, or Jerry Springer, maybe Geraldo. Anyway whatever source of unreliability the information came from, about 75% of the assholes in this city bit hook, line, and sinker. Now it looks the fucking 1970's crisis I always heard about. Hmmm, who was president then? Jimmy Carter? Yeah it was Jimmy Carter, and guess what, he's, of course, from Georgia. This is some kind half-assed, dumb-assed, self-fulfilling prophecy. Un-Fucking-Believable.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

The "Objective"


I recently finished up my second tour o' duty in school and I'm currently looking for a job. So I've been sending out my resumes and shit and trying to set up some interviews. The reason I bring this up is because of the Objective section of the resume. You always end up putting some bullshit like, "I want to combine my blah blah and blah blah blah so I can hopefully end up taking this job only to end up slaving away as you assholes pile on the workload until I can't see straight". Or they go something like that, you get the drift, they're basically full of shit. Anyway I'd really like to put more of "truthful" objective section on my resume, if I had the opportunity it may read something like this.

My objective in looking for successful employment go a little like this. Actually let's go ahead and get this out of the way first, these aren't really objectives it's more like a wishlist... or a set of demands... yeah demands, let's go with demands. First I'm a fairly lazy guy who doesn't so much like to get up early, so I'll be swinging by the office around noon, most days, meaning if I get really drunk the night before you'll be lucky to see me at all (You can stuff Friday's up your ass too). The reason I'm going to be late and often times hungover is because it's my objective to not really put forth too much effort here at the old corporation. Next I'll go ahead and take some type of corner office, don't worry it doesn't have to be on the top floor or anything. Actually I'd prefer it on a lower floor so I can escape before everyone else in case of a fire. I'll of course have a secretary, scratch that, four different rotating secretaries (I don't need five, I've already discussed my Friday routine of skipping work). I'd like each of them to be exotic looking and hail from different corners of the globe. Let's go Japanese, Russian, Brazilian, and Swedish. I'd prefer if their English was broken, but if they're super hot and have good English I'll accept that, I guess. See, my objective while working here is to get laid... on a daily basis... by exotic chicks with broken English. As for the rest of my co-workers, I'll only expect them to call my Overlord, no wait, Sir Overlord, that has a nice ring don't you think? Anyway they will basically worship the very ground I walk on like the ancient Greeks did Zeus. They will give up all other religions and if they refuse there will be ethnic cleansing not seen since Columbus and his ilk rolled through the Americas. See my objective here is to basically enslave a bunch of people and set up a whole Island of Dr. Moreau type deal right in the heart of the city (we don't have to get into all those specifics right now, just know that later on you'll more than likely have to marry a sheep). Anyway, these are my demands, I hope they can be met. You can hit me back at cultgoespop@gmail.com Thanks, it's been real.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Interpol "Evil" video

I know we got some regulars here who like Interpol. Found the video for "Evil" over at marathonpacks. It's totally weird and pretty nonsensical but cool nonetheless (plus I'm a huge fan of puppetry... well that's not entirely true...I actually hate puppets, which makes this video good for me b/c the puppet in it has a bad go of it...I'll stop this now, click here if interested)

It's official, Love Kraft 8.5

What a bunch of wacky fuckers (pictured above). The Pitchfork review came out last Wednesday and Love Kraft hit the over (click here if you have no clue what I speak of) and none of you who guessed get a free drink. The only person who was close was me (8.3). If I would have to have bought myself a drink that would have been very par for the course personally speaking. Anyway, special thanks to Elliott for sending me an e-mail reminder.

editor's note: The Invisible Invasion by The Coral hits stores stateside for us tomorrow. I'm a large fan of these dudes first three albums (Night Freak and the Sons of Becker is an actual album in my mind...probably no one knows what I'm talking about here, but that's ok). September and October should bring some great much anticipated releases from SFA, Wolf Parade, Broken Social Scene, and I'm even interested to maybe check out the new Fiona Apple.

He's back...I mean I'm back, I hate people who talk in third person (but doesn't everyone)


I'm currently experiencing personal detox from my Mexican adventure, but my time spent there was muy bien (Which means, very good, for those of you not proficient w/ the Spanish language, see I did learn some things on vacation or holiday as the Brits like to call it). I won't go into too many particulars about the fun I had (that's not really the kind of ship I'm running here) all I'll say is I had a great time. This rambling leads to my point.

It was good to get away for about five days and not hear any news about Paris Hilton's (pictured above) ...well Paris Hilton in general, Terrell Owens football contract, Randy Moss's pot smoking admission, Lindsay Lohan's crack use and subsequent weight loss, Brad Pitt's dating of Angelina Jollie, Angelina Jollie's dating of Brad Pitt, Maddox being cared for by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jollie, Jennifer Aniston's bitter jealousy of the BP AJ M situation, Vince Vaughn's possible relationship with Jennifer Aniston, Kanye West's god complex, Nick and Jessica's possible marriage problems, Major League Baseball players who use steroids, the train wreck who is Tara Reid, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore's relationship, Nicole Ritchie's weight loss, etc.etc.etc.etc. You get the point, it was fun not to have to deal with any of that shit for awhile, but I'm glad to be back b/c there's a lot of shit to talk about this fall, like the start of the college football season which, of course, coincides with the start of gambling season!!!!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Favorite 100 Songs List: 40-31

40. Sister Havana: Urge Overkill; Saturation Wonderful layered guitar work. A great overlooked early/mid-90's song and band. Nash Kato has a killer whiskey soaked vocal delivery. Positive Bleeding is another rawking song off this album.

39. Trim Trabb: Blur; 13 Immediate distortion as Albarn announces flight departures or something. The song starts off slow with great world-influenced drumming from Dave Rowntree (Albarn's love of world music takes hold on Think Tank). Halfway through Coxon starts the guitar assault. Screaming, guitar chaos, and mumbled voices bring us home.

38. Karma Police: Radiohead; OK Computer Piano and acoustic guitar open up joined quickly by drums and bass. So the song starts off fairly simple but at the 2:35 the song begins to veer quickly to the land of utter madness. Thom Yorke's "For a minute, I lost myself" vocals are some of his all-time best. It sounds like a UFO is landing by the end of the song.

37. Fascination Street: The Cure; Disintegration Darkness prevails. This song sounds like it should be playing at some sort of fucked-up carnival. Unbelievable guitar and piano. Also love the long musical intro, we go 2:20 in before any vocals kick in (Nobody does this better than The Cure)

36. Cities: Talking Heads; Fear of Music Great music fade-in. Bass, guitar, and drumming complement each other perfectly and hold the song together. Meanwhile, Eno and Byrne run wild. Eno's all over the place doing crazy shit, and Byrne's vocal performance is one of my all-time favorites, it's fearless, he starts barking at one point.

35. Around The World: Daft Punk; Homework No middle ground here, you either love this song or are annoyed senseless by it (That can pretty much be said regarding Daft Punk in general). Hope those of you who like it checked out the video directed by Michel Gondry (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind)

34. Kamera: Wilco; Yankee Hotel Foxtrot Majestic pop. The fact that this song wasn't a radio hit is baffling to me. I know they don't play Wilco on the radio but I thought for sure some program manager would hear this song and give it a shot. Oh well. If you ever see the documentary on Wilco it's cool to see how this song goes through many transformations.

33. Ashes to Ashes: David Bowie; Best of Bowie Speak of unique sounding voices, Bowie has one of the best ever. It sounds almost as if it is being broadcast from some remote planet (Bowie is an alien... I think). This song is often overlooked in his astounding canon of work, not by me, it's my favorite.

32. Pandy Fackler: Ween; White Pepper Ween dabble in many different genres, here they go downtempo jazz, or maybe it's upbeat lounge? Anyway it sounds faintly like a tribute to Steely Dan (I've read that comparison 1,000 or so times to describe this song, and I agree). Piano and guitar work are outofsight, also great funny lyrics, Pandy's a whore (literally).

31. Gigiantic: The Pixies; Surfer Rosa Great bass line. Love it when Kim Deal sings, wish she would have more. They have such an original sound, this song is no different.

editor's note: Off to Cancun tomorrow morn., there's a discotecha in the hotel we're staying at, don't worry, I'm taking my TAG body spray. That means no more posting the rest of the week, but feel free to visit so my sitemeter stats don't get fucked up.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Daft Punk "Around the World" video

That's actually the dudes from Daft Punk (dressed up as the robots) dancing in that Gap commercial with Juliet Lewis from a few years back. I saw the video for "Around the World" back in college, I was quite inebriated at the time when I saw it and I had never heard of them or seen the video. I ran and grabbed my Biology book and wrote Daft Punk, Around the World across an entire page. Anyway I say this b/c they this song makes the countdown (post tomorrow) and I was wondering if I could find the video on the internet, b/c I hadn't seen it since that drunken night about eight or nine years ago. Click here if your interested. Robots doing "The Robot" fucking genius.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Make free comic strips

Click here to see a comic I made. It's a pretty cool site, and best of all it's free. I think I'm ready for the New Yorker.

Cancun bound...I need some help

I'm off to Cancun this Wednesday morning for one of friend's weddings. The only problem is my Spanish is a tad bit rusty. I thought of some possible inquiries that I'll more than likely use with some of the locals during my vacation. If you know the Spanish translation for any of these, please let me know in the comments section, it would be much appreciated.

1. Where is the closest local pharmacy?

2. This is the best price you can get me for some z-bars? Listen pal, I know a guy down the street who can get me some for half this price, this is buyers market friend. Now if you can't come down I'm walking.

3. I'm not paying this ridiculous cover charge unless there's a foam party tonight.

4. Sweetheart, would you mind pouring that shot of tequila down my throat for me? See I'd do it myself but I'm double-fisting Mai-ties as you can see.

5. So, do you guys get the shits if you drink the water? Or is it just us gringos?

6. Everyone please listen up and gather around. Let's see how high we can build a human pyramid. I'll make worth everyone's while, see I am in possession of American currency.

7. How much for the little girl? The women, how much for the women? Your women, I want to buy your women! The little girl. Your daughters, sell them to me! Sell me your children!! (special Thanks to John Belushi for that one)

8. I promise that hooker was dead when we got here.

Anyway, those are just some of the things that I'll more than likely need to know how to say in Spanish for my trip. Let me know if you can help out at all.

editor's note: Just can't resist the dead hooker jokes

Saturday, August 20, 2005

"Tribulations" video

Good work by the 15-minute hipster. Click here to see the LCD Soundsystem "Tribulations" video. Song #71 on the cgpop countdown. Enjoy.

Friday, August 19, 2005

(666)867-5309

That's Jenny's area code, in case anyone was wondering. That's true, I googled it (lie).

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Favorite 100 Songs List: 50-41

50. Forest: The Cure; Staring At The Sea, The Singles A dark and foreboding song. A simple drum beat propels the song as the bass rambles along. Smith closes this song out with some great guitar work. An early gem that was a harbinger of the things to come from The Cure.

49. Games Without Frontiers: Peter Gabriel; Shaking The Tree Great high falsetto singing in this, "She's so funky yeah?". I don't think that's what he's saying but it sounds cool regardless (if anyone knows what he's saying please comment). Never has whistling worked so well in a song.

48. Cities In Dust: Siouxsie & The Banshees; Twice Upon A Time, The Singles Siouxsie Sue has a great voice and she uses her entire range on this song. A jangling guitar pops in and out and blends smoothly with bells? That's right, bells. We went whistling and bells back to back. Hot shit.

47. Tried and True: Ween; Quebec Psychadelic tinged pop muzak, but about as straight forward as Ween get. They use the voice alteration here but not for a joke this time, it works perfectly. If everyone was on acid all the time this may have been the largest "pop" hit of the last decade or so. Also these dudes are so under-rated it's ridiculous. Just because they have some funny songs people dismiss their musical abililty. Too bad for those people.

46. Coffee & TV: Blur; 13 Graham Coxon gets a go on vocals. The song clips along at a happy and bouncy pace, this is offset by out-there experimental guitar work from Coxon, somehow this all blends perfectly. This sounds like a pop song but it's really experimental at heart, Blur seems to be able to pull this trick off time and time again. The organ takes us home and if you've seen the video, you know, the milkcarton goes to heaven.

45. Unfinished Symphony: Massive Attack; Blue Lines After hearing this song I realized what Moby has been trying to accomplish his whole career. His efforts pale in comparison to this revolutionary trip-hop classic. Orchestral strings, beats, stark piano, record cutting, all unite together to help form a new genre of music.

44. Tommorrow Never Knows: The Beatles; Revolver East meets west and they both take a bunch of acid. This song is actually about an acid trip, and it has seagulls!! It's amazing that this song came out in 1965, it's so ahead of it's time (and still so ahead of music released these days) that it is mind-altering.

43. Tropicali: Beck; Mutations Beck does Calypso! You can almost see Beck playing this in the Tikki bar of some swank Bahamian hotel for all the rich tourists. You could then see the rich tourists getting a tad bit panicy as the song continues on into a freakazoid jam ending. Weird-ass island lounge music.

42. There Is a Light That Never Goes Out: The Smiths; The Best, Vol. 2 "If a ten ton truck kills the both of us..." Morrissey would totally be cool with it (he's a sneaky bastard). Musically this song is cheerful and depressing at the same time, a signature move from The Smiths. It would be so cool if these guys would reunite and do some shows.

41. PDA: Interpol; Turn On the Bright Lights This song is great the first three or so minutes, driving guitar, cryptic lyrics, very enjoyable. Then the song hits the 3:08 mark after it's done, I run it back to the 3:08 mark, I do this about 4 or 5 times in a row before I can stop listening to the song. I don't listen to this song if I have to be on time somewhere.

editor's note: The bastard spell-check didn't want to work again.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

A Don Hughes/Johnny Ballon movie pitch (#3)

Da Hamsteer: Ya be Whishin I be Feral Mon
DH: Horror movies are hotter than hot right. But we've seen all the other domesticated animals in horror vehicles. Dogs, Cujo right. Cats, there's something with cats right JB.
JB: Yeah I think I saw something with telekinetic cats who explode people's brains like in Scanners. It was on FX or something. Shit, if I'm wrong let's pipeline that.
DH: Bitchin, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. A killer hamster from Jamaica who knows Voodoo and shit like that.
JB: This is one mean fucking hamster, he like ate his parents and siblings. We can even open with that.
DH: Genius. So then he gets shipped here to the states to like an evil pet store.
JB: Oh shit, we can use the same evil pet store from Gremlins with the fake smoke and the Chinese dude.
DH: Great idea, maybe they're even looking for Gremlins, but, "sorry folks all out only Voodoo hamsters from Jamaica available tonight."
JB: Yeah don't worry either the audience will know he's a Jamaican hamster because we'll slap some dreadlocks on him. We can staple them if need be.
DH: Yeah the great thing about working with hamsters is that they're so replaceable, not as recognizable to the audience as dogs or cats.
JB: They can do their own stunts, oops one died, they only cost like three bucks or something.
DH: Yeah and don't worry about those PETA freaks, say we run through something like 250 or 300 hamsters during principle photography we still put the disclaimer, "No animals were harmed during filming blah blah blah". They hardly ever check.
JB: But if they do we got PETA's president with some incriminating photos of a sexual encounter between him and a goat.
DH: We probably won't even need to use those though, tell them what you were telling me about Free Willy.
JB: Do you guys know how many Free Willy's they ran through? At least 17, they lost 15 or so of those in the scene where Willy jumps over the kid on the rocks.
DH: You don't even want to know how many child stunt actors died shooting that scene. So anyway hamsters are easy to work with.
JB: So we get either Jennifer Love Hewitt, Neve Campbell, or Sara Michelle Gellar to play the chick with the rack that stops the hamster. Hopefully we get JLH she has the biggest rack.
DH: Yeah so people are mysteriously running in place all over small town USA here and dying of cardiac arrest, but no one knows it's the evil Jamaican hamster doing this.
JB: The hamster fashions little voodoo dolls out of his wood chips in the likeness of his victims. We can totally CGI these parts.
DH: Then he slaps them on his running wheel and people start to dying and shit.
JB: Of course no one can figure this out except for the stupid chick with the huge Gams who was really disappointed that the paterfamilias didn't bring home a Gremlin that night from the evil pet shop. So she has always hated the hamster and therefore can see through it's furriness and petablility.
DH: Sure also say she's the only person with good eyesight OK. So she's the only person with good enough eyesight to see the dreadlocks, couple this with the fact that she had to take a course on Jamaican history at the local community college, she puts two and two together. Plus since everyone but her is wearing glasses in the movie, we can do huge product placement with the Lens Crafters people.
JB: Fucking brilliant! So we open this thing on Ground Hog's day, a huge woodland creature tie-in too.
DH: Promo spots saying "The Ground Hog may still be in the hole, but look out... Because da Hamsteer is on da wheel mon."
JB: And don't worry because we have people who can make that fucking Ground Hog stay in that fucking hole.
DH: Plus who didn't want to own a hamster when they were a little kid? But did anyone really ever have one, fuck no, because hamsters are basically worthless. But all these people will have this unsatisfied hamster longing. This is our audience which comprises...oh I don't know, everyone!
JB: Plus let's not forget about the massive amounts of illegals in this country. Millions upon millions, the hamster can be like their hero or something, they're all not from America right. This is an untapped market with possible explosive revolutionary powers, and the hamster can be their mascot.
DH: Right, loot and riot guys, just make sure you see this movie opening weekend.
JB: AMEN!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Death Day: Elvis Presley

Twenty-eight years ago today on August 16, 1977 Elvis Presley died at his home in Memphis, Tennessee. Personally I'm more of a Beatles guy than an Elvis guy, but that still doesn't discount the enormous music and cultural impact that Elvis had on America and the world. Today I'd just like to make some suggestions on how we can commemorate Elvis' death day.

Step 1: After work drive to your closest local chain fried chicken establishment (KFC, Popeye's, etc., it doesn't really make all that much difference). Order a bucket of chicken, if there is an option for extra-crispy chicken go ahead and purchase this. Make sure you only get the bucket, don't worry about getting any other side items.

Step 2: Before arriving at home stop by your local liquor store and purchase a 1.75 liter of Jack Daniels. (steps one and two can be interchanged if need be, it's really up to your personal decision and geographical convenience)

Step 3: When arriving home stop by your neighbor's house, the one who recently got in that bad dirt bike accident. Pretend you need to borrow something of his (you can freestyle here but make sure it's difficult to find send them on a five to ten minute search), once he or more likely his wife, he'll probably still be unable to walk by this point, goes to search for your item say that you need to use the restroom. Once in the bathroom rifle through the medicine cabinet until you find his bottle of Xanax, pocket at least five or six of these. (Vicodin or Percocet will work if that's all he's got)

Step 4: After eating about six or seven pieces of chicken and drinking half or so of the bottle of liquor and consuming three or four of the OTC narcotics, go to the closest Karaoke joint. Do a rendition of "Suspicious Minds". If you're not into Karaoke, don't worry, by this point the Xanax and Jack will help you get over any sort of lingering stage fright or inability to sing that may have left you hesitant in the past.

Step 5: Once back home make sure you locate a firearm (handgun preferable). Fire off about four to five rounds into the TV and then pass out.

Step 6: The next day after you wake up write a letter to your congressman demanding that August 16th is made a national holiday. I'm sure everyone would love to have the day off from work to celebrate The King's death day by re-creating the steps that I have laid out for you here.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Droppin like it's hot

Tomorrow the Bret Easton Ellis novel Lunar Park will be available at your local bookstore. Ellis is best known for his 1991 novel American Psycho. He hasn't written a novel since Glamorama in 1999. Ellis has gotten much heat for his seemingly nihilistic view of contemporary of American culture. His characters are young, wealthy, rudderless, and very often engage in sociopathic hobbies like serial killing. I am excited to read this book (it'll be put on my to read list, still have to finish IJ) because I was a big fan of his novels Less Than Zero and Glamorama. I felt that American Psycho was the Ellis work that I liked the least, it didn't quite have the same numbing effect that I felt after reading LTZ and it wasn't as entertaining as his 1999 outing (it was about 400 or so pages, it should have been cut in half). Anyway just wanted to give everyone the heads up about this, Ellis is an interesting novelist (quite funny as well), and if you're in the Gen X crowd he's definitely worth your attention.

Friday, August 12, 2005

7/4 (Shoreline)

Last post before I leave, promise. Go here to download the new single from Broken Social Scene's new album, due out October 4th. The song is called 7/4 (Shoreline) and if you liked Your Forgot It In People you'll enjoy this tune too. Later.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

"A Better Place To Live!"

tomorrow I'm leaving to go to a wedding in Winfield, Alabama (I'm guessing it was founded in 1891, but I don't know if anybody, except the guy who put the sign up, realizes that it exists). The city slogan is "A Better Place To Live!" very cryptic and vague. Better than where, Atlanta? East St. Louis? Beirut? After checking out the website (which I can't put a link to, b/c blogger won't publish this post if I do) I'm going to disagree with that tagline.

On the website they have a "big" event every year called "Mule Day" which comes around on the fourth Saturday of every September. There's a mule parade and mule judging (not making this up). This all sounds like a blast, but my mule is currently in the shop and I don't think she'll be ready until mid-October. I do sit here and wonder how "Mule Day" originated. I'd like to think that it was a somber day back in 1902 when the mayor/town mascot "Sugartooth" wandered a tad too close to the railroad tracks. In "Sugartooth"'s memory, the local ranchers and farmhands started "Mule Day" to commemorate the forward thinking local municipal government changes that "Sugartooth" implemented before getting caught under a train on that unseasonably warm late September afternoon.

Anyway, another cool thing that I learned from the website is that the Appalachian Mountain Range starts in Winfield (and runs all the way up to Maine! By them no good carpet-bagging Yanks!!). Other news that has traveled my direction is the fact that Winfield is a dry country. Meaning they don't serve alcohol of any kind in the entire county?! I find this ironic because in my estimation the people of Winfield's main source of enjoyment should evolve around drinking themselves silly. This way they could, somewhat help, compensate for the fact of actually living in Winfield, Alabama. Anyway I'll be on a posting hiatus until I return Sunday.

editor's note: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh (me screaming and making Macaulay Culkin face from Home Alone)

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Dear Overzealous Radiohead Fan

Listen, I love Radiohead too. They are definitely one of my top ten favorite bands. I think OK Computer and Kid A are genius albums, and they may have put on one of the best live shows I've ever seen, but unlike you ORF (overzealous radiohead fan) I realize that there was music BEFORE radiohead, and there will be music AFTER radiohead. Let me first explain this situation to some of you who may be uninitiated with this growing ORF problem.

The ORF's are the people who think all music not made by Radiohead is inferior, based on the simple fact that Radiohead didn't make it. No matter what Radiohead releases it's brilliant and groundbreaking, it's not even up to discussion with an ORF. An ORF will tell you with a straight face that Amnesiac is the fourth best album of all time (behind of course three other Radiohead albums). You don't want to talk to these people under any circumstance (unless maybe you're on fire and they are the only person who can put the fire out). They are easily spotted.

First when you attend a Radiohead concert there will be about 40 or 50 ORF's dressed exactly like Thom Yorke. Now you don't want to talk to any of these people but make sure you have as many of them in eyesight when Radiohead busts out "Idioteque"(One of my favorite songs of all-time highly ranked on the list, also the comical highlight of Radiohead's live show, keep reading). When Yorke goes into his "person having cardiac arrest b/c of massive crack overdose" dance, these dudes will try and mimic it. There friends will even give them room so they can do the crack dance (these assholes are also ORF's). If you haven't seen this dance it the worst "dance" in the history of the world (not hyperbole). I think that the other band members must really hate Yorke, so they don't tell him how awful this crack dance is.

Yorke: "Hey mates, how was me dancin tonight?"
Rest of Band (trying to contain knee-buckling laughter): "Great mate!"

Anyway these ORF's who dress like Yorke think this is the coolest dance in the world, make sure you're watching when they replicate it. Fucking hysterical.

The other ORF's will be dressed in green army fatigue hipster jackets with the hipster glasses on, looking all-around super hipsterish. They will look completely bored as hell. This group will comprise about 60% of the audience.

So the show will be great and all and you think you've escaped the ORF's, you have, just make sure you don't go and read the reviews of the show you went at greenplastic.com

Typical ORF review:
Oh my god there are no words to describe the transcendent, magical, life-affirming(altering), religious (if I believed in God which I totally don't) experience that was Radiohead in concert tonight. This was the most important artistic event in the history of the world. Fuck Picasso, The Beatles (they totally ripped off Radiohead) Stanley Kubrick, or any other loser who has tried to create something artistic in their entire life-time. It was just so politically inspirational too, fuck Gandhi and MLK jr. When Thom busted into Idioteque I was so right there with him, I almost passed out, I was in a frenzy, all my friends backed up and gave me space to dance, there were abunch of people looking at me, I bet I looked so much like Thom. The one thing that sucked of course, was the rest of the crowd, they were fucking idiots, they were drinking and loud. Typical assholes. Anyway, Amnesiac is the best album EVER and my girlfriend thinks Colin Greenwood is hot, I agree, I'd even let her fuck him.

This is no joke people, warn others, hopefully we can spread the word to others about the ORF's so more of us can make fun of them.

First MTV video you remember

As a young tyke I lived in the Dallas-Fort Worth area for about three years. One of my most vivid memories from that time-period was seeing my first ever music video on MTV (circa 1984). The first video I saw was Lucky Star. If you click on that link you can watch the music video in its entirety, the production values aren't quiet what they are today, but I remember thinking that Madonna was hot (even at 7 years old) and MTV was the coolest thing I had ever seen up to that point in my life (insert current state of MTV joke here). Shortly after I moved to Atlanta and my mom somehow got hip to the fact that I was watching a lot of MTV, she walked in one day and saw me watching "Wrapped Around Your Finger" (The Police video where Sting is wearing sunglasses and running around knocking over candles, maybe it was "King of Pain") and forbid me to watch MTV. So I had to get my MTV on the sly for about year or so after that. Anyway just wondering if anyone out there remembers the first music video they ever saw, if so what is it?

editor's note: Other highlights from my Texas years include, getting hit in the eye with a baseball and watching some kid blow up a frog with an M-80.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Anatomy of a hip-hop video


This morning while I was eating my breakfast (A bowl of Kellogg's Smart Start. A pretty solid cereal really, even considering the fact that I don't think I'm in their whole target breakfast demographic. I say this because they used to have a picture of Courtney Thorne-Smith on the front of the cereal box. She had a very concerned look on her face and was trying to spread awareness for breast cancer, with the pink ribbons and all. Now she's gone though, and I'm happy but also a little perplexed as to why. Don't get me wrong, I think spreading breast cancer awareness is a good thing, but I'm wondering if this was just a special edition box ala Wheaties, or maybe, just maybe, Thorne-Smith is now pro-breast cancer? Weirder things have happened, just posing the question. I'm just glad my cereal box front doesn't have her anymore, she's Bjorkable, but I just feel less in the company of women about to enter into menopause. Sorry about this tangent.) I was watching some MTV and the new Bow Wow (he apparently dropped the lil') video featuring Omarion came on. The video for the song "let me hold you". I'm going to take you guys through the anatomy of this "brilliant", no "transcendent" video.

First off I got into it a little late, but house party alert, I guess Bow Wow's mom was out of town or something, I can see some serious noise complaints in the near future. Bow Wow's new hit "let me hold you" was pumping and the party was getting crunk. Now this whole time Bow Wow is dancing with this pretty little thing, he's whispering into her ear, handing her cups of liquor, and grinding his dick into her ass, and let me tell you guys she's eating it up, Bow Wow's brought his obvious A-game tonight.

Also at the party is Omarion, who happens to sing the hook on this particular song. If you haven't heard this song a sample lyric goes something like, "Ram-bam-mo-ma'am-shalamalama-no-ma'am-shimmy-shimmy-cocopop-shimmy-shimmy-rock-m i s s i s s i p p i-phalama-ma'ama-jamma-no-ma'am-rock-shimmy-rock-rama-bama-what you tryin to do?"Anyway Omarion grabs this bikini clad hottie and proceeds to jump into the pool! He's FULLY CLOTHED!!! What a wacky guy. I bet he totally just went with that, got an instinct and just said, "fuck it G, I'm a do this". Well let me tell you, it's just fantastic.

Oh man, it gets better. Jermaine Dupri(!) stops by. What a novel idea, let's have the guy who produced the song show up in the video. Now this is a totally cool and original idea to have JD show up at the house party, but things take a bit of a turn for the worse for Bow Wow and his lady friend. The first thing that goes wrong is that for a second, someone bumps into the turn-table and the song stops! Everyone is obviously pissed-off because at this point all crunkness that has been accumulated takes a slight, temporary dip. You know when you're at a club or gangster house party and it's crunk, right, but then sometimes it inexplicably gets slightly less crunk for a moment, totally sucks. Well this is what happens here. Luckily the DJ gets the turntable back on track and we're crunk again, but something happens after that.

Bow Wow, JD, and Omarion decide to kick it to the drive-way and dance there, I guess to hopefully avoid any more dj snafus. The thing about this is that they don't invite anyone else to dance out in the drive-way with them. This means Bow Wow's chick, bikini-clad pool girl, and everyone else at the party. These people obviously aren't famous enough to hang out in the drive-way. Well at the end of the video Bow Wow tries to talk to his girl, but she blows him off!!!
I mean it was pretty rude not to invite her to dance in the drive-way but he was only there probably about 10 minutes or so. Poor Bow Wow, he, and us, the viewers, are now crushed. How could such a great video end on such a sour note? Oh wait, there's a to be continued at the end, are you serious? How awesome is that! I can't wait for the sequel to this, I'm no prognosticator but I think Bow Wow is going after his video hoe, and I bet he gets her. Can't WAIT.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Feeling "productive" today: songs 70-51

70. Life in a Glass House: Radiohead; Amnesiac Total hit or miss album (mostly miss), they save the best for last. New Orleans dirge music, boozy piano and drunk horns. Thom Yorke has perfect ironic delivery here, "There's someone listening in"

69. The District Sleeps Tonight: Postal Service; Give Up I've invented the term nerdtronica for the genre of music the PS kicks out. No matter what you call it, this was a solid debut. This song is a slow builder that shifts into hyperkinetic mode by the end. The solid guitar work eventually gives way to catchy beats. I bet this song is huge on the Georgia Tech rave scene.

68. Price of Gas: Bloc Party; Silent Alarm These guys hang out with thecobrasnake a tad too much for my liking, but what are you going to do? You should believe the hype concerning the release of Silent Alarm, their first album. Many great songs here but this one rises above the rest. Bass and guitar work are otherworldly, also cool noises and synths thrown in. The last two minutes of this song are near perfect.

67. Stella was a Diver: Interpol; Turn on the Bright Lights Love the song intro. I can't say enough about these dudes (TOTBL and Antics are probably my two favorite releases of the new millenium). Paul Banks voice is amazing (as always) here. I like the pacing of this song switching between mid-tempo and slowed down. Kessler and Banks guitar work complement each other perfectly, rhythm section is tight, as is the norm.

66. Unhappy: Outkast; Speakerboxxx Dre3K may get more pub (he's the cool one afterall) but Big Boi comes up with the best song off this double release. I always get the music goosebumps listening to this song. One of those songs that sounds upbeat and happy, but it's actually depressing lyrically. This reminds me of old school Outkast, laid back and chill.

65. More Than This: Roxy Music; The Best of Roxy Music I admit, I copped this song after seeing Lost in Translation. Brian Ferry almost sounds like a chick, but somehow it works. I just like the atmosphere and mood of this song.

64. All I Know: Basement Jaxx; Rooty Chilled house/lounge song alert (again). The thing that makes this song great are the dark and dubby beats. It has an electronic Jamaican dance-hall vibe that permeates throughout, and in this instance that's a good thing.

63. Black and White Town: Doves; Some Cities The looped piano drives this song. I can't get enough of the atmospherics that Doves employ in their music, on display here. I can't believe this song wasn't a radio hit. Also perplexing to me is the fact that Coldplay are bigger than these guys, it doesn't make any sense.

62. Blackstar: Radiohead; The Bends Many people think The Bends is Radiohead's best album, I disagree, but this album is terrific, start to finish, none the less. This song didn't get as much fanfare as some others (High and Dry, Fake Plastic Trees, etc.) but for my money it steals the show.

61. Island in the Sun: Weezer; The Green Album Perfect pop music here, I think that's the best way to describe this song. It'll also put a smile on your face. The video was pretty stupid though, with all those fucking chimpanzees.

60. Twinkle: Whipping Boy; Heartworm Worst band name ever? Sure. Still this is one of the best mid-90's brit-rock songs ever made. This song came out when I was in High School. I remeber an instance when I was riding in a friend's car and this song came on the radio, I made eveyone stop talking until the song was over (even though I had just recently purchased the cd)

59. Crank: Catherine Wheel; Chrome Much props to aquariumdrunkradio for playing some cool Catherine Wheel I not heard before (not up now, but trust me it was). I still don't understand how this band didn't connect on this side of the pond, the world may never know. Crank was their big hit for obvious reasons, the thing I said (above) about one the best mid 90's Brit-rock songs of all-time, that statement definitely applies here.

58. Subterranean Homesick Blues: Bob Dylan; Bringing It All Back Home By far my favorite Dylan song (I'm a novice, as you can see the majority of my musical tastes lie elsewhere). The lyrics are amazing (it's Dylan afterall). I also love the fact that INXS ripped off this (music video? was it the first? you know where Bob is peeling off certain words to the song) for Mediate.

57. Mirror in the Bathroom: The Englsih Beat; Grosse Pointe Blank Soundtrack Said mirror in the bathroom- isn't the type where you check your faux-hawk and make sure your collar on your polo is still flipped up the whole way, it's the portable type used for Charlie intake. This song is an example of pop Brit-Ska firing on all cylindars. Jittery and manic with perfect saxophone? (I usally hate when the sax pops up in songs that aren't jazz oriented, to me it sounds cheesy as fuck, not the case here). Plus props go out this soundtrack compilation, Violent Femmes, Faith No More, The Clash, you get the point.

56. Love My Way: Psychadelic Furs; The Wedding Singer Soundtrack A fucking xylaphone? (this isn't the correct spelling, see editor's note) I think, drives this song (only in the 80's). Perfect 80's style synths and a killer bass make this song a new-wave classic. Also props to this soundtrack compliation, too bad I already had all the good Smiths, New Order, and Bowie previously in my collection.

55. M1A1: Gorillaz; Gorillaz Music freak-out best describes this song. Maybe the most overt Blurish sounding song on the album. Albarn goes nuts here (check the screaming) and it rules. The drums bang away as a crazy-ass guitar takes us home.

54. Unison: Bjork; Vespertine The vocals, strings, and skitterish electronic beats work in great, dare I say, unison here. This song picks up steam as it progresses and ends up all trip-hoppy in a Bjork sort of way (Any ladies out there who want to get their "Bjork" on, hit me up at culgoespop@gmail.com, refer to song #79 to find out what I'm talking about, this is basically a continuation of that joke)

53. Everything Counts; Depeche Mode: Singles 81-85 My favorite early Depeche Mode song. Great vocals, Gahan and Gore sound eerily similar. Just can't get enough (anyone get that?) of that middle eastern sounding horn that pops in and out of the song.

52. Mainstream; Outkast: ATLiens Splash...solid Goodie Mob cameos and chilled out R&B tinged production. Andre 3000's lyrics steal the show though. I love the fact that he talks shit about how other rap music is repetitive, shallow, and clueless to these facts (a constant theme in his rhyming over the years). BTW this album is wicked-sick, in my mind Aquemini just barely beats it out as Outkast's best.

51. (part 1) Two Months Off; Underworld: A Hundred Days Off Straight up house music. This song is a 9+minute epic, simple as that.

51. (part 2) Once in a Lifetime; Talking Heads: Remain in Light First off, while compiling this list I accidentally put an extra song in, so we have two 51's and 101 total. Sue me. This song needs no introduction, Talking Heads biggest hit. Love Byrne's schizophrenic lyrics and paranoid delivery. Brian Eno is doing a lot of production-type shit that I don't know how to properly explain. Weymouth's bass hits like an uppercut.

editor's note: The spell-check didn't want to work after I finished this post.

Friday, August 05, 2005

GUARANTEED weight loss strategy


If you're anything like me, you get tired of all the weight loss commercials and dieting methods out there. Sure the Atkins diet may work, but it will send your cholesterol through the roof. Tae Bo may help you lose weight, but do you really want your friends finding out you do some stupid shit like that? Fuck no. Don't worry folks, I'm here to share a sure-fire way to drop those unwanted pounds. Dying. I promise you Marlon Brando weighs less than I do, the simple reason behind his weight loss plan is that he died. He no longer has to worry about high cholesterol or stupid work out routines. I know what you guys are thinking, "Hey cgpop man, you're a genius, but the only thing wrong with dying is you never know when it's going to happen." Totally right, that's why if you have series weight issues that need to be handled immediately you might as well go ahead and facilitate the whole process by offing yourself. Killing yourself will guarantee that you die, and dying is a weight loss method that is GUARANTEED to keep the POUNDS off. If you need any tips on killing yourself may I suggest renting the 1985 John Cusak comedy vehicle Better Off Dead. This film offers up many helpful ways to ending your life (jumping off an overpass, skiing the K-12, etc.) and it's funny, and let's face it, you may as well as get your laughs in if this weight loss method is appealing to you. So if you're serious about not having to count those pesky carbs anymore, this weight loss program may work for you.

editor's note: Playing a Black Sabbath record backwards may also help kick-start this plan.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

If eccentric multi-Billionaire I'd


1. In a one week time-span date and break up with Paris Hilton, Nikki Hilton, Tara Reid, Bijou Phillips, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, The Olsen Twins, Jessica Biel, Jamie Pressley, Christina Aguilera, and Fiona Apple. I'd marry Britney Spears (quickly getting a divorce) and have Kevin Federline killed. On second thought, maybe I wouldn't kill Federline, instead I'd force him to do a remake of Ice Ice Baby thereby pissing off everyone else (I'd direct the video and there'd be cameos from Urkel, Webster, Rog from "What's Happening?", Marky Mark, and OJ Simpson) then my dirty work would be handled for me. Or maybe I'd have him killed, it'd be a coin-flip.

2. Live exclusively in 5 star hotels.

3. Purchase the Chicago Cubs and buy up all the free agent talent in the league. This would lead the Cubbies to their first World Series Championship since 1908. Instead of sit in the owner's box, I'd attend every home game incognito and sit out with the bleacher bums, get 21st b-day drunk, and actively try to get ejected from any game that the Cubs were losing.

4. No longer say the words: Thursday, helicopter, sewing, shell-fish, the, happy, sad, pizza, hamburger, hamburger-helper, 8-track, diversify, sharp, buzz-word, routine, and, I, you, cat, or.

5. Get rid of interpretive dance, synchronized swimming, Cher.

6. Speak only on rotary phones.

If I think of more shit, I may let you know.

editor's note: I'd like to publicly thank Martin McFriend for the link on his post today. People who read this be sure to check all the links under check it, worthwhile stuff.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Dream Band



In the September 2004 issue of Spin, Chuck Klosterman had an interesting article about building your personal ideal rock band. Your band has a singer, a guitarist, a bass player, a drummer and one "wild card" musician. The band would have to record a studio album and then tour to support it. He had a couple of different rules like the singer can't both play guitar and sing in your group, but I'm throwing that shit out, the only original rule I'm keeping is that you can't have multiple members from the same band. I say this because I'd like to know what your list is in the comments section. Here goes my list.

1. Lead singer; David Byrne (formerly Talking Heads): Totally original front man who can also play a mean axe. His vocals are unique and will never be replicated by anyone. Plus, he is great live, his postmodern duckwalk/chickendance is a sight to see. He's also a producer and all-around musical genius to boot. I can't really even think of anyone who comes close, in my mind, as a second option.

2. Lead guitar; Graham Coxon (formerly Blur): Plain and simple this dude can wail, in maybe geeky Brit-rock way, but that stuff's right up my alley. He's an amazing live player but his real genius comes through in the studio, check out 13 if you don't believe me. Plus he can sing, pimp Coffee and Tv off 13 or one of his many solo albums for proof. I personally love bands that have more than one lead singer.

3. Bass; Kim Deal (formerly, currently? Pixies): Saw the Pixies last fall at the Fox, far and away I think Deal stole the show. She can play heavy or fast, but she's always recognizable. Throw in the fact that Deal sings as well, Gigiantic (sick bass line) etc. and there's no way I can pass her up as my bassist.

4. Wild Card; Johnny Greenwood (Radiohead): Anyone who has seen Radiohead live can attest to the fact that Greenwood is an unstoppable force. This guy is amazing in concert, I don't even know what the fuck he's doing half of the time but it looks totally sweet (like when he's plugging shit into the circuit board or swinging around that radio box with the antenna). Oh yeah, he's also a guitar prodigy.

5. Drummer; Sam Fogarino (Interpol): Don't know too much about the drummers, but I do know that I love Interpol and the rhythm section is a major reason why. I also think that his drumming would mesh really well with the overall assembly that I have above. Plus I really just need a role player here with all the talent already on board.

There you go, hit up the comments for your choices.

Hell's yes

I was able to get someone to fix my computer, hell's yes or fuck yeah, or both. There was a corrupted file and microsoft wasn't able to start, luckily I was able to get it fixed because I'm a clueless bastard when it comes to this sort of shit. Anyway, during my sabbatical I decided I'd change the blog tagline once a month. In case you haven't noticed it's August, so out w/ the old in w/ the new. I liked the old tagline, "They can kill you but the legalities of eating you are quite a bit dicier". It sounds like some fucked-up type shit, but it was used as the motto for a prominent tennis academy in the book Infinite Jest, so in actuality it was a contextually funny quote. Well this month fuck contextually funny tag lines, I'll go for the universally funny type. If you don't think people who stick their dicks in mashed potatoes are funny, frankly I don't really know if I want you reading this site. Also if you have a cool or funny quote that I can stick on the tagline for next month let me know, open to suggestions. I'm just glad I'm out of my blogging detox, last night I was contemplating sniffing VCR cleaner.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Bad News

Yesterday my computer puked on me. I may have to purchase a new one, let's hope not, when I think of this situation I get a sick feeling in my stomach and slight vertigo. Anyway, the other computer at the house has dial-up (read: too slow to do anything) so I'll be on posting hiatus until my computer is fixed or I get a new one. This sucks b/c I'll have to blog detox a bit here. Anyway hope to fix this problem sooner than later. Also do you guys watch that Laguna Beach? That's some hot shit if you ask me.