same as it ever was (talking heads)

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

A Don Hughes/Johnny Ballon movie pitch (#6)

DH: Let me cut right to the chase, we are so fucking huge now, it doesn't really matter what we do, whatever we attach our names to, the shit will sell.
JB: Fucking cash money. I've always wanted to get to the point in my career where I could just phone it in. Finally we've arrived.
DH: I mean I had faith in Da Hamsteer: Ya Be Wishin I Be Feral Mon I mean it's a fucking genius concept, but box office records and Golden Globe nominations? I mean shit, we can fucking phone it in now.
JB: Yeah I mean I thought that movie would sell but I never thought that the Hamster would be the front runner for the best actor. Sure, Heath Ledger playing a gay cowboy, a good job, a decent acting stretch, but a murderous voodoo hamster? That's a stretch folks, what an emotional performance. I should say performances, seeing as 300 or so Hamsters died during filming, but that award should go toward there cute furry memory, and towards my bank account.
DH: We are batting a perfect 5/5, all flops. Jerry Bruckheimer can park my fucking car if he wants to. I'm like Walt Disney w/o the Nazi underpinnings. Yesterday I woke up at 3:30 in the afternoon, kicked the two hookers out of my house from the previous night, ordered a crate of fresh Maine lobster to the house, took 4 vicodin, met with a feng shui advisor for half an hour, hosted a Scientology meeting, skipped an appointment with Bob Weinstein...fuck him, had my Limo-driver drive me to a Limo store where I bought a larger limo I fired my driver on the spot and paid one of the sales men there 10 grand on the spot to drive me back home, got home drank two bottles of Cristol and did a bunch of coke, called an escort service and ordered over 15 girls to be at my place within the hour, the chicks came over we did a bunch more coke and I played "Girls on Film" on repeat the entire time until I finally threw up on this Latin chick after I attempted to snort caviar, I turned off the music and kicked everyone out, I then masturbated to "Saved by the Bell" reruns until I passed out. I think that says it all.
JB: I haven't woke up before 9:30 pm for the last two months. If I even see the color purple, the actual color not the movie, although seeing the movie would piss me off too, I punch the first person I see in the face. I'm fucking a chick who claims she's a vampire, she only responds to
Nosferatu...I'm so fucked up right now I bought a laundry mat and fired everyone who worked there...why?...who the fuck knows, why the fuck not. I was out at dinner the other night with a bunch of industry types and I pissed in my soup, in front of everyone at the table...I got a standing ovation.
DH: Living the American dream...on to the movie I guess. Like it fucking matters now, already phoned in. Do we have anything? What do we have?
JB: I thought you had something? No? Ahhh fuck it, ummm, what's hot on TV?
DH: Survivor still pulls them in no?
JB: Shit yeah! There you go, boom, Survivor the movie. We phone it in and still come up with fucking gold I tell you.
DH: It's almost a curse. Let's get a bunch of B and C list actors out on an island, Survivor's the one with the island and shit, correct?
JB: Pretty sure, I like where you're headed with this. We can probably get Shelley Long, DB Sweeney, The Corey's, Emilio Estevez, Molly Ringwald, shit, the whole cast of Breakfast Club. Kadeem Hardisson, Matthew Modine, Martha Plimpton, David Schwimmer, and probably the rest of the "Friend's" cast except for Anniston. Good to go.
DH: Great, instead them getting kicked off the island do you think we can kill them off? Fuck it, we'll let legal worry about that. The winner gets their career back.
JB: Sounds great. I'm off to luau at George Clooney's place.
DH: Cool, I'm off to a...well, let's call it a "thing" at Richard Gere's. He fucking adored Da Hampsteer.

editor's note: Da Hamsteer pitch is about half way down the page. So fucking money.


Anonymous hmmmm. . . said...

Do I see cgpop's inner fantasies? I hate laundromats too.

Thursday, January 12, 2006 4:38:00 PM

Blogger cgpop said...

Either that or I was trying to be funny.

Thursday, January 12, 2006 10:02:00 PM

Anonymous pops said...

I thought you did a decent job of being funny. A great job at being strange...but a decent job at funny.

Saturday, January 14, 2006 10:07:00 AM

Blogger cgpop said...

Happy 31st POPS!

Saturday, January 14, 2006 4:58:00 PM

Blogger sasefina said...


Monday, January 16, 2006 2:40:00 AM

Blogger Martin McFriend said...

Dude, fucking legendary.

Monday, January 16, 2006 3:21:00 PM

Blogger cgpop said...

Thanks, it was fun to write.

Monday, January 16, 2006 9:50:00 PM

Anonymous Breff said...

I thought that was fucking hilarious dude. Fuck those no-humor motherfuckers up top.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006 2:42:00 PM

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