same as it ever was (talking heads)

Monday, January 16, 2006

I forgot about this post, but then I (unfortunately) remembered

editor's note: This is a very "blue" post, I recommend that no females read it, because if they do, they probably will stop reading forever...and I don't want that to happen. So you've been warned, if offended by explicit sexually related reading material stop NOW!

Missionary style just not getting done anymore? Doggy-style all played out? 69 a bit of a bore these days? If you can answer yes to these questions, I'm here to help you out. I have three different, I'll call them "bedroom alternatives" that you and you're sweety can try out if the current sex is a bit boring. Warning number 2, one of these is highly stupid and the other two are highly stupid and a tad degrading. You STILL can stop reading (I'll also explain the picture).

1. The "Polish Hotdog": A couple of years ago I, along with a couple other friends, went out the Phoenix to visit a friend. We attended a Spring training game between the Cubs and Brewers. My friends and I were a bit drunk at the game, we were also a little delirious from the previous couple days of partying, then we saw the famed (not really famed, more like infamous since the Randall Simon incident a couple years back) Milwaukee Brewer sausage race. This sight was funny enough but for some reason when the announcer yelled..."and the Polish Hotdog pulls ahead and takes the lead!" myself along with another friend completely lost it (hysterics wise). I would say that within a minute of hearing that phrase the "Polish Hotdog" was born. The "Polish Hotdog" is a sexual move where the woman lays down on the bed naked (from the waist down at least) and presumably...you, or whoever, kind of mounts the woman on top of her ass. Next you slide your jimmy vertically between the woman's ass cheeks. You can perform this move w/o or "w/ sauerkraut". To this day I don't know, if this move had been performed in North America, it probably has been done in Germany or Asia though.

2. "The Sweetest Taboo" (a.k.a. The Molasses ass-fist): A couple of friends told me about this sex move they invented when on spring break in Key West, Fla. some years back. Still hilarious to this day, but this one takes much preparation...let me explain. First off, guys, if you really want to perform the "The Sweetest Taboo" you must hit up the tanning bad at least 5-6 times a week for a good two month period, you really need to look slightly Puerto Rican to pull this off. That means that a Clarke Gable pencil-thin mustache must be grown to accompany the tan. Next you have to go out and buy a while linen suit to wear with a matching hat (throw in a cane if you want to freestyle). Next get an industrial sized can of Molasses (one that you have to cut open with some sort of large can opener, I would suggest trying Sam's Club) and some surgical gloves. Last, but certainly not least, you'll need to get a copy of The Best of Sade, and you'll need a cd player also. Basically you'll just turn the cd to track #5 "The Sweetest Taboo", hit repeat, open up the can of molasses, put on the surgical glove, put your hand in the molasses, make a fist, shove your fist up your woman's ass. An important part in preparation for this is (and all of these moves) the participation of your wife/girlfriend. This maneuver could raise serious medical issues or flags or whatever, so if your girlfriend is a willing participant I'd suggest she enrolls in a yoga class and doesn't at any time consult a physician or any kind of medical professional to tell them of the plans for "The Sweetest Taboo". This has probably only been done in Germany.

3. "Chilli Dog": Ever heard of a "Cleveland Steamer"? Sure you have, this is similar, but much worse. My friends and I didn't invent this, but one of buddies told me about it and it's fucking gross, but definitely a "bedroom alternative". Like a steamer, you'll still need to take dump on your girlfriend's chest, but it has to be diarrhea or it doesn't really count, after this is done you simply titty-fuck your girlfriend. I recommend that you eat Mexican or Tex-Mex the night before.

editor's note (2): I myself have not or would not perform any of these moves...ever...my intent was not to endorse anything with this post, just to spread my knowledge that these degrading acts do indeed exist...although if someone actually pulled off "The Sweetest Taboo" I'd pay their bar tab for a weekend.

15 Comments:

Blogger Satisfied '75 said...

"The Sweetest Taboo" = GENIOUS

Monday, January 16, 2006 11:58:00 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What about the Sweedish Tornado.
You know what I'm talking about.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006 5:54:00 AM

 
Blogger Brent said...

While I think the funniest name is "The Polish Hotdog," I think the "Chili Dog" takes the cake for the grossest thing imaginable.

Is it weird that I'm intrigued by "The Sweetest Taboo"? I'm just sayin...

I agree with "anonymous" that The Swedish Tornado is great, as well as The Arabian Piledriver, and of course the original champ, The Dirty Sanchez.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006 6:13:00 AM

 
Blogger Chili Drip said...

Those are all disgusting, I can't believe you would even write about those. What's wrong with you man? Do you need to talk?

GITD forever!

Tuesday, January 17, 2006 8:53:00 AM

 
Blogger cgpop said...

"Swedish Tornado" is really fucked up as well, "Sweetest Taboo" is a work of pure genius.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006 9:40:00 AM

 
Blogger Captain Bee said...

I like how you set up the Sweetest Taboo so eloquently and then get real blunt and bust out "put your hand in the molasses, make a fist, shove your fist up your woman's ass."

Pure genius dude. And for #3...Taco Bell all the way.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006 3:29:00 PM

 
Blogger cgpop said...

I can (unfortunately) take no credit for "Sweetest Taboo", yet I still think it's the greatest "bedroom alternative" of all times. All times I said.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006 3:56:00 PM

 
Anonymous bones said...

cgpop, in #3 you repeatedly refer to a "girlfriend." Do we need to use an actual girlfriend for this move to be official? Or is a hooker or a neighbor's wife acceptable? Thanks in advance for the clarification!

Tuesday, January 17, 2006 4:10:00 PM

 
Blogger cgpop said...

Absolutely not, and I'm glad you bring this up Bones. Most of these moves would HAVE to be performed with a hooker or call-girl.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006 8:47:00 PM

 
Anonymous Breff said...

I was actually on said Key West trip when "Molasses Ass Fist" was invented...I about fell over when i saw it in print! I think you can thank one CW for that one.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006 2:38:00 PM

 
Blogger cgpop said...

Yeah, the MAF is an all-time great. I was very impressed when the actual logistics of the move were relayed back to me a week or so after the invention.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006 6:14:00 PM

 
Anonymous max said...

How could you possibly leave the swedish tornado off the list. The best thing about this move is that we all know for certain it has been performed. I demand a explanation.

Donkey punch is nice as well.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006 10:55:00 PM

 
Blogger cgpop said...

Swedish Tornado (taken from the Oxford English Dictionary): A sexual encounter where the man is having anal relations with a female participant. Before climax the man gives the female a swirlly then proceedes to blow his load over her wet face.

Thursday, January 19, 2006 9:25:00 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where did you find it? Interesting read »

Friday, February 16, 2007 5:39:00 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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Thursday, March 01, 2007 11:58:00 PM

 

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