same as it ever was (talking heads)

Monday, January 09, 2006

We're about to win! What to do next?


Let's go ahead and pour a gatorade cooler on the coach! Yeah, that would be great!...........Let me stop here. Why the fuck do football teams still engage in this ludicrous celebration. It's unoriginal and an overly dumb thing to do to someone who just helped you win something. Getting wet when fully clothed sucks, if I was a coach I'd blow every single important game on purpose just so I wouldn't get the "Gatorade Shower". I don't know about you guys, but I personally fucking hate it when my socks get wet. Obviously football players don't really like to think outside the box since this ritual has been going on for about 20 years or so. I really think there needs to be a change in the celebration. I guess the humiliation factor must stay intact (hey, I didn't invent the rules, I just have to live by them) so w/o further ado, here are some new possible celebration routines...

1. Throw a football in the coach's face as hard as possible.
2. Pour a POWERADE cooler on the coach....Oh, boy, that would just be, just be, like, CRAZY!
3. Actually fill up half a cup with original Lemon-Lime Gatorade and fill the other half up with piss. Then go over to the coach tell him he looks thirsty, after he drinks it and spits it out shout, "I love you you crazy son-of-a-bitch!"
4. Start to strangle the coach with the chain on the 10-yard marker.
5. Send up an player (one that the coach has been hard on for the entire season) into the stands with a loaded gun to accost one of the coach's family members (preferably wife, or first born). Have the player shove the gun in the family member's mouth (the coach would have been alerted by now to the situation) then yell, "I'm going to kill your wife! I'm going to do it! I should have started this year! Ahhh, shit ni**a, I'm just kidding. We won, you ain't even have to get wet now!" Do not alert the family member that this is a joke before hand.
6. Have the secondary gang-bang the coach's hot 18-year old daughter and send him the video tape after the season.
7. Have the team mascot assault the coach Tanya Harding style with a pipe and shit.
8. Take a bunch of side-line chalk and blow it in the coach's eyes.
9. Have the team physician tell the coach that "the results" just came back and he only has two weeks to live.
10. PILE-ON COACH!

editor's note: For #5 make sure the gun is loaded for maximum zinger effect.

7 Comments:

Blogger Captain Bee said...

hahahaha, I fully cracked up just on the 'losing games to avoid getting wet' deal.

It is a pretty fucking retarded tradition once you stop to think about it.

You forgot the best one, having the team physician tell the coach that he and his wife both have AIDS. That's the somber celebration.

Monday, January 09, 2006 9:53:00 PM

 
Anonymous bones said...

#8 cracked me up. Although it may not be as vicious as banging the coach's daughter on tape, the dust-in-eyes-blow is a classic move.

Monday, January 09, 2006 11:30:00 PM

 
Anonymous easy now said...

What's with all the violence? cgpop, I think you need to talk to someone, quick. I love you.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006 10:19:00 AM

 
Blogger Scrubby Nub and The Bothered Brigade said...

I think the "I love you you crazy son of a bitch" should be used after each one of these. Particularly the gang-bang.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006 12:36:00 PM

 
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