same as it ever was (talking heads)

Saturday, March 11, 2006

A Don Hughes/Johnny Ballon movie pitch (#7)


DH: So we've been quite for awhile, that's what happens when you get falsley accused of murder. JB: The risk you take to hang out with The Juice
DH: Yeah, it pretty much comes with the territory
JB: Plus we really need to get back to work. I've been wearing a Dashiki for the past two months. Also, watching Tara Reid fall down a flight of stairs is funny about the first 20 or so times, but then it just gets kind of sad, in a funny way.
DH: Totally agree. And who's better than us at providing original, inspiring cinematic experiences? No one, "Survivor: The Movie" grossed almost a billion in worldwide box office. Just too bad what happened to Shelley Long. Who am I kidding, that was the highlight of the movie.
JB: Yeah, I really didn't think Corey Haim would be able to actually eat her entire torso, but when Corey Feldman's calling him a pussy, what can I say? Cinematic history.
DH: We were a bit disappointed that "Da Hamsteer" lost best actor to Phillip Seymor Hoffman, but it was probably for the best because Johnny accidentally sat on and killed him through the half way point of the show.
JB: Ha-HaaaHaaa, that's right, I totally killed "Da Hampsteer" at the Oscars. Totally forgot about that. It was kind of akward though when they went for the other actors reactions.
DH: Yeah, "Da Hampsteer" was very stoic in defeat.
(crazy simulataneous laughter, lasting about a minute)
JB: Anyway, that's enough of a re-cap let's get onto magic time. That's box office magic time, like houdini, covering the magic part, box office with people paying money, and time consisting of watches and clocks.
DH: Right there with you. Uplifting sports movie. BAM, I bet you're getting a tear right now, a little tug at the heart string.
JB: OH YEAH! Take a bunch of underdogs and drunk mentor type I'm thinking a Dennis Hopper or Gene Hackman here. Throw in some obstacles, include a season of sorts, have a montage where the loveable underdogs are terrible at the sport and then get drastically better in about a minute or two. Have some comic relief type managers/friends who get some of the players into crazy hijinks. Throw in an unsure love interest for the coach/mentor, it's either her or the bottle. Sprinkle in some inherent racial tension between the team-mates to be overcome by a bonding experience when one the different raced players help each other when confronted with a true racist-type situation, leading to a bonding between the two players that leads into a scene in the championship game where they have to pass the ball to one another to complete a totally important play, thus refering back to an earlier point in the movie where they didn't work together because of racial tension. Add an important team member getting serioulsy ill half-way through the season, we'll give him cancer or something. He'll listen to the championship game on the radio in his hospital and jump around and cheer when the team makes the big play, the hospital staff will shake their heads in disbelief and recognition, maybe toss in some nurses high-fiving in the hallway to show the audience their support for cancer-vicitm dude and the team at large. Have physically under-sized guy who filled in for cancer-victim guy make a HUGE play in the game which spurs on the team to victory. Make sure we have asshole parents who initially disagree with the loose-cannon coaching methodologies of the recovering drunk coach. These parents will be appeased by film's end after the team wins the big game. In the big game the team needs to initailly be down by a bunch of points only to make a drastic come-back. They make the comeback because of, well shit, I'm a bit lost here, how do they make the comeback, hmmmmm, any ideas?
DH: TEEN WOLF!!! Fucking TEEN WOLF 3!!!
JB: FUCK YES!!! Best idea ever!!!!!
DH: Oh my god, this is going to be fucking huge!
JB: No shit man, who doesn't watch sports? Everyone has seen sports before!
DH: Even if they don't like sports, who doesn't like TEEN WOLF?
JB: No body doesn't not like TEEN WOLF, it's a fucking statistical improbability to not not like TEEN WOLF. We'll have a bunch of teen sex too. Everyone likes teen sex.
DH: Perfect. I'm thinking Frankie Muniz can play TEEN WOLF.
JB: My thoughts exactely.
DH: You were in the zone there for awhile Johhny-boy, that trepanation is really paying off.
JB: My thoughts exactely.

15 Comments:

Blogger Captain Bee said...

The shout of Teen Wolf really sealed the deal here.

Sunday, March 12, 2006 11:09:00 PM

 
Blogger cgpop said...

I've been patiently awaiting the release of "Teen Wolf 3" for about the last 10-12 years (however long it has been since "TW2").

Monday, March 13, 2006 7:11:00 AM

 
Blogger Will said...

Fuck, man, Teen Wolf 3 would be dope - what sport would he play this time ... maybe an extreme sport. Maybe you could get Shaun White to play the wolf if Muniz is busy with Cody Banks 12.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 11:16:00 AM

 
Blogger cgpop said...

Cody Banks 12, doper, more dope. Totally kidding.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 6:44:00 PM

 
Blogger Scrubby Nub and The Bothered Brigade said...

Did you mention Teen Wolf Too a couple of months ago? I feel like you did, and we agreed how underappreciated it is. Clearly this installment will be TW3: Bryan's Thong.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 7:56:00 PM

 
Blogger cgpop said...

yeah, I did mention the complete awesomeness that is TW2, awhile back, sooooooooo under-rated.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 8:16:00 PM

 
Blogger Will said...

yeah, Jason Bateman has been trying to measure up since.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 11:15:00 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dude, the movie pitch posts are my favorite - fucking hilarious. Survivor the Movie was genius.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 2:19:00 PM

 
Anonymous Chops said...

Chops here.

This is impressive.

Thursday, March 30, 2006 8:49:00 PM

 
Blogger cgpop said...

Chops, have you seen any of the other ones?

Friday, March 31, 2006 1:23:00 PM

 
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