same as it ever was (talking heads)

Monday, May 29, 2006

Charles Barkley

the "round mound of rebound", totally awesome dude. Remember when he elbowed that poor Somalian (or something like that) dude in the head during the '92 Olympics? He fucking makes music now too! And it's good! Check this shit out! "The Last Time" m4a. Chuck, you the fucking man dawg.

editor's note: cultgoespop is a dumbass, it's not Charles Barkley, it's Gnarls Barkley. He is right about one thing though, the song is awesome, it makes his caucausin ass want to danse.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

I almost forgot...the mere sight

of Jean-Claude Van Dam in the movie "Universal Soldier" sent one of my room-mates and myself into hysterical uncontrollable laughter for a solid 10 minutes or so the other day. Thought I'd share that with the group.

"Crash" a review of sorts, not really, I guess

I'm not so much into really reviewing movies or anything, so I'm not going to really do that here (I guess) but I did see "Crash" last weekend. It was good, not great, merely good, I thought. It was a good well rounded out cast (kind of sort of). See you got Don Cheadle (always solid, best performance in this movie in my opinion) Matt Dillon (nominated for an academy award for this film, a good performance, not as good as Cheadle's though) Ryan Phillipe (in my estimation an under-rated actor actually, plays a solid role) Terrance Howard (a fine new talent, good in everything I've seen him in) Thandie Newton (smoking, plays a formuleic angry black woman role, does well with it) Larenz Tate (awsome in "Menace 2 Society" holds his own) Jennifer Esposito? (she was great in that Michael J. Fox TV sitcom, just kidding, at least we get to see her boobs) Ludicrous?? (continuing to prove that rappers can't act) Brendan Fraiser??? (dude's why is "Encino Man" in this movie, maybe Paully Shore was busy) and finally SANDRA BULLOCK????????????

(scene in "Fight Club" where Ed Norton passes out on the hotel bed and can't really remember what was doing as Tyler Durden)

Fuck Sandra Bullock. She is terrible, always, without exception. She is the Nicholas Cage of actresses. No he didn't...YES I just went there, she's as bad an actress as Nic Cage. Name one movie that she's good in? See you can't do it. You know why? b/c it's fucking impossible. At one point in the movie she falls down the stairs and gets hurt, this was the actual highlight of the film for me. I was really hoping that her stunt double had the flu and missed work that day. Sadly her and her character were Ok at the end of the movie. I could have been more believalbe as a rich racist middle aged house wife than she was, unbelievable how some people still get work after shit like "Speed 2" and "Miss Congeniality" (now I've never seen these movies but there is no way she was good in them, refer to 4-5 sentences previous) or "Miss Congeniality 2" yeah, they made a fucking sequel to "Miss Congeniality".Things like "Miss Congeniality 2" make me hope that that massive earthquake will actually hit and drop L.A. into the pacific (not really, I don't want my west coast readers to die, I just really hate Sandra Bullock and the person who green lit "Miss Congeniality 2")...And FUCK, have you seen the fucking previews for that new fucking Sandra Bullock Keanu Reeves joint? This is true, I can't make shit like this up. Was the public really yearning to see an acting reunion with these two jackasses? My point is, if you pay money to see this new Bullock/Reeves flick I officially hate you.

Did Sandra Bullock ruin "Crash"? Only all of the parts when she was actually in the movie.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

haven't posted in awhile, thought rising to the top, i'm not jerry seinfeld, you will be able to tell after this post

...thank god that we have now removed that pesky holding onto the cell phone. I can just stick the shit in my ear now, brilliant. My arm really hurt before and I didn't scare as many people as I do now because they could see that I was on the phone. Now everyone thinks I'm crazy, like I'm talking to Jesus or something, and I love it. The only problem is that the ear phones are still kinda big, I can't wait until they make one that is so small that it gets lost in my ear and I have to have major ear type surgery.

...everyone who works at my local dry cleaning shop is Asian, yet the name of the store is Rita's Cleaners, I don't know any Asian people named Rita (I would have been a early 90's observational comic demi-god of sorts, women would have fed me grapes, fanned me down, and given me foot massages, we would have all worn togas)

...I really think I'm going to start a segment where I make fun of all of the State quarters. Color this the first installment then, Wisconsin...let me explain, the quarter has a picture of a cow, a cheese wheel, and an ear of corn!!!! Don't I KNOW! I mean, it'd be impossible to choose which one of those things that I'd want to fuck first! Fucking cows, fuuugettaboutit, I love when they go moooooo. Cheese Wheels! Hot, so many different hole options to choose from. An ear of corn! It gets me so excited I can barely type. One more suggestion for the Wisconsin state quarter, it would have fallen in line perfectly, a three-hundy-75-lb-woman eating a chilli dog and ice cream cone at the same time...heaven.

...I had some more shit, I forgot it though, possibly for the best, that bit about the cleaners fucking KILLED though...

Monday, May 15, 2006

Best thing I've heard this year

"Arbuckle's Swan Song". Ambulance Ltd. strikes again.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

The Noid

snuggle bear, aunt jemima, and the pillsberry dough boy got into a four-way. Real disgusting action, very sick people's. There is now a web site dedicated to it though if you're in to that kind of thing, the address is www.thenoidsnugglebearauntjemimandthepillsberrydoughboygetiton.com.

DRUNK blog duex

yeah, ummmmmm, ok, so, drunking blogging issss funning. So I talked to this chik from the Bronx? toonite, the Bronx? a single white chik? i read "Bonfire of the Vanities" a couple yrs bk, single ladies dont live near yankee stdium, anywhooooo, could be wrong, blame tom wolfe (if so) yeah yeah yeah (s) they re from the bronx correct? no? ohhhhh? from? brooklyn? right? yeah, yeah, yeah, hip____and stuff.

2 (peace) cougs

Saturday, May 13, 2006

On Dansing, part second

In On Dansing I went through my highly routined danse pattern that I engage in before I attempt to grind. I'm still going to abide by it but I'm going to try something new also, I think I'll put it closer to the end of the routine. I'm going to call it "The American Pie".

Basically I'll just walking around the danse floor pretending like I'm fucking a pie, like that dude did in that American Pie movie, but I'll talk shit to the pie while I'm pretending to fuck it. I'll say stuff like

"Oh yeah Pie, how you like that? That wasn't a rhetorical question, go ahead and answer."

and stuff like

"Damn Pie, you're kinda hot tonight. Did you just come out of the oven? You better not burn my penis."

also

"I see you got a little cinnamon mixed up in you Pie. I likes me some cinnamon."

finally

"OHHH shit, I just hit TIN, What What!"

editor's note: That wasn't too weird was it? I really think it'd be a good danse move.

Please allow me to level set

Ok, here's the situation, my parents went away for a week's vacation, and they left the keys to the brand new Porsche, would they mind, hmmm, well, of course (not)

that was totally unrelated to this post but it was the first thing that popped into my head as started typing, Fresh Prince, you are truly a saint, on to the real "issue"

My buddy, let's call him "Cougar" (because this is the moniker that he deemed himself with about 7 or so years ago, meaning it is very pertinent info. for what I'm about to speak of, like, right now) well anyway "Cougar" always used to call himself "Cougar" and would semi-urge the rest of our group of friends to call him "Cougar", which we of course never would, because a. you can't give yourself a nickname, and b. it's a really fucking stupid name and I'm not going to call another grown human being "Cougar" unless there is solid logic (meaning a good reason) to call someone that...that's all changed.

I was drinking last night, as I tend to do on Fridays, and I was hanging out with a buddy of mine who made the brilliant connection b/wn our friend's attempt to nickname himself "Cougar" and the new hip urban slang "Cougar" for a woman mid-30's or older who is on the "prowl" (meaning wanting to, like, fuck) men of a certain younger age or demographic than that of theirselves.

Sooooo, we had an e-mail strain running this week with comments like...

"Hey "Cougar" before going out do you put glitter on your chest so 22 year old dudes will be hopefully notice and therefore be more attracted to you, so you can then lure them back to your den for acts of sexual deviance?"

Here's what is going to happen from now on (at least from my perspective and, like, actively on my part) I'm going to call "Cougar" "Cougar" and when someone asks me why I'm calling "Cougar" "Cougar" my standard response will run along the lines of something like this...

"Oh, his nickname is "Cougar". I don't know if you've ever heard of the new, well not really so new, but relatively new slang term "Cougar" which encompasses women of a certain age demographic 35+ or so out for a night on the town looking to kick it with some younger, how do I politely put this, dick. Yeah, well anyway, my buddy here "Cougar" is kinda like those chicks, he really like Asian males ages 19-25 years old."

Now this statement is of course untrue. The actual "Cougar" is a heterosexual dude who like, like's chicks, but it's really hard for me to relate to you guys the constant reminder that we got when talking to our buddy "Cougar" that we should call him "Cougar" which we never did, until now.

editor's note: Thanks Perret for bringing this to everyone's attention

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

David Foster Wallace, thoughts on David Lynch, "A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again" excerpt

I saw "Mulholland Drive" on dvd four or so years ago. I had crazy vivid nightmares for three straight days after veiwing this movie. I can't really say that even understood what the fuck was going on in this movie but I was deeply psychologically affected. It wasn't really a bad dream category, they were full blown nightmares, I haven't experienced dreams like them since or probably before, at least not as intense. I can't really remember any specifics but I just remember waking up feeling extremely disturbed, partially freaked-out. I couldn't shake this disturbed feeling for at least the better part of the day, for three days straight.

I'm not a huge Lynch fan, I really liked "Twin Peaks" (TV show) but I think the rest of his stuff is just too psychologically, maybe, subconsciously intense for me, a bit TOO weird. Anyway Wallace wrote a great piece on Lynch and his films, it is definitely must read material for anyone who is a Lynch fanatic or even partially interested in Lynch's work. Wallace got to go on the set of "Lost Highway" for a couple of days and "David Lynch Keeps His Head" was the result. Anyway, Wallace has one passage where he is trying to describe things that are Lynchian, the following passage kind of hits the nail on the head, and it's quite hilarious...

"A domestic-type homicide, on the other hand, could fall on various points of Lynchianism. Some guy killing his wife in and of itself doesn't have much of a Lynchian tang to it, though if it turns out the guy killed his wife over something like a persistent failure to refill the ice-cube tray after taking the last ice cube or an obdurant refusal to buy the particular brand of peanut butter the guy was devoted to, the homicide could be described as having Lynchian elements. And if the guy, sitting over the mutilated corpse of his wife (whose retrograde '50s bouffant is, however, weirdly unmussed) with the first cops on the scene as they all wait for the boys from Homicide and the M.E.'s office, begins defending his actions by giving an involved analysis of the comparative merits of Jif and Skippy, and if the beat cops, however repelled by the carnage on the floor, have to admit that the guy's got a point, that if you've developed a sophisticated peanut-butter palate and that palate prefers Jif there's simply no way Skippy's going to be anything like an acceptable facsimile, and that a wife who fails repeatedly to grasp the importance of Jif is making some very significant and troubling statements about her empathy for and commitment to the sacrament of marriage as a bond between two bodies, minds, spirits, and palates...you get the idea."

editor's note: DFW goes on to make another good disturbing distinction b/wn Lynch and Tarantino (for the record I'm a pretty huge Tarantino fan, much more than Lynch, but this statement totally rings true, and is fucked up, but it rings true, at least to me). He says if Lynch would have filmed the infamous Mr. Blonde Resevoir Dogs scene that...

"Quentin Tarantino is interested in watching somebody's ear getting cut off; David Lynch is interested in the ear"...creepy

Saturday, May 06, 2006

fake myspace profile (3)

Johnny "JB" Ballon

"I love the smell of silicon in the morning"

male
35 yrs. old
Hollyweird, CA

latest blog entry: "Oprah is house sitting for me. She's got to water my plants, if that shit is a little bit brown when I get back I'll burn down the fucking Oxygen channel. I'm going to Aruba (again) sooooooooooo boring."

About me: Leo Dicaprio walks my dogs, they bit him once but I don't really give a fuck. Fucking actors, pathetic. Tara Reid is giving me a blowjob as I type, I know, slummin, sometimes you gots to do what you gots to do. I'm a fucking MOGUL bitches a fucking HOLLYWEIRD INSTITUTION, all bow, really, fucking bow right now. Tarantino detailed my car last week, this is how much people want to work with me. You know the term "People who know People" I'm those people. Harvey Weinstein just text messaged me, I fucked Linday Lohan last night (slummin, i know), I only drink Kabbalah water, Ashton Kusher is such a fucking loser, Demi Moore gave me a blow job (soooooo old), I have perscriptions for percocet, codeine, lithium, Oxycodeine, medical marijuana, valum, ritilan, zanax, and a bunch of other shit I can't really remember right now. I leave my house only on cloudy days (I hate the fucking sun, I can afford to do this, I have more money than most 3rd world countries), I live next door to Vince Vaughn,
Bill Gates does my taxes...

People I want to meet: More like people who want to meet me. The Pope, Salmund Rushdie, Mick Jagger, Heidi Klum, Nelson Mandela, Donald Trump, Bono, Fionna Apple, Paul Thomas Anderson, Russel Simmons, Jerry Seinfeld, Jay Leno, Paris Hilton, Nikki Hilton, Jessica Alba, J-Lo, you get the picture

General: I idolize Dennis Hopper's character Frank Booth from "Blue Velvet", we are kindred spirits. So I have Keifer Sutherland tote a portable laughing gas station around for me (who do you think got him that whole 24 gig). Kate Moss cleans my pool.

Music: I'm in a band with Trey Anastsio, Pharrel Williams, Brian Eno, and Phil Collins, very ecletic shit, waaaaaay over your heads. I dj as a hobby (so early 90's I'm really trying to quit)

Movies: Ummmmmm, yeah, "Da Hampsteer", "Survivor: The Movie", "Teen Wolf 3", "Golden (Shower) Girls", "Welcome Back Kotter: The Movie", "Banana Splits: Murder Cartel/Camp Friendship", and some others, I'm installing an Olympic sized pool in my drive-way.

TV: LOVE IT, genious stuff, so original, LOVE IT. This is where I get my inspiration, be looking for "Laguna Beach" the movie. I had a three-way with Kristen and LC.

Books: I found this pretty solid dude named Bubba something or other and he said books suck and are gay and shit, I couldn't agree more.

Heros: riiiiiiiiggggghhhhhhttttt

editor's note: This was my 200th post, thought I'd mention that...also this post was done in green, all JB and Don Hughes related posts are done in green...the color of $

Thursday, May 04, 2006

I saw two rainbows fuck today

They did it in front of everyone man, very kinky shit indeed. Right in the open for everyone to see. They did it doggy style. Even though it was in plain sight of everyone it wasn't really too exicting, actually it was pretty boring. No real spark. I think there may be relationship issues, I think they may even be cheating on one another. That being said, I did see an older woman faint (lie).

editor's note: Rainbows can't fuck, I just two rainbows, one behind the other.

Monday, May 01, 2006

May

It's May. I changed the headline. It's from "Cheers". "Cheers" was funny. Sitcoms these days blow.

May? hum, it's like starting to get real hot and what-not. We have a day off later in the month. Yay (o). I don't really think I have to much more to say about May, oh wait, this Friday is Cinco de Mayo, great pointless "holiday". bottomsup.