same as it ever was (talking heads)

Monday, June 12, 2006

The Fackin' ROOOOOO

Hell's yeah. This Thursday I'm off to the Bonnaroo concert to see the bands and party with the kids. There will be some totally dope muzak at this biotch, here's a break-down of sorts, a prediction of the time that will be had by me.

Thursday Night:

7:30ish P.M...Leave the ATL drive about 31/2 hours to our friend's house in Nashville to spend the night. Listen to "Kokomo" by the Beach Boys on repeat the entire way! Can't wait to see those fuckers headline Saturday night! John Stamos on drums!! No Brian Wilson!!! That fucker really messed up their sound. Drink a quart of Tequila on the way up, drive the last hour of the trip.

Friday:

Wake up about 9 A.M. and drive the rest of the way to Manchester. Double fist Bloody Mary's the entire way. That should put me at about 6-8 Mary's by the time we get there as long as I don't drink like a pussy. By the time we get past security etc. It should be about noonish or noonch, pronounce however you like, and it's time to go kroosin for High School chicks. Winger doesn't start until 2:00, I sure as fuck ain't missin them, but there should be some high school chicks running around (school's out) try to give them some beers and get to like second base or so. On the Winger!!! That, shit Rawked! Mascara and spandex and guitar solos, FUCK YEAH. Need I say more, such an under-rated sound. Snort some VCR cleaner. Like a bunch. On to see Boys To Men at about 4:30. "Mo Town Philly's Back Again!" Fuck yeah his ass is. Order two Philly Chesse Steaks and eat them during the set. 6:30, House of Pain! Jump around, Jump around, Jump around crackers. I'm white, I'm Irish, I can wrap! I mean rap bitches. I don't feel so much like jumping around though because of the 4 oxycodeine I took before the show. Throw-up multiple times. Have to Rally though because Cher is on at 8:30!!!! Yes, CHER!!!! Totally worth the price of admission. Mix up myself a killer 64 oz. Long Island Iced Tea w/ a liberal dose of Liquid Vicodin. See Cher transform into the devil half-way through "Do you believe In life after love". Scream, "Show us your ass with the anvil tattoo or whatever the fuck it is" for the rest of the 2 1/2 hour set. Throw up a couple more times. Pass out and miss Tatoo performing at Midnight (totally pissed off about this).

Saturday 1:00 P.M...Wake up where I presumably passed out at the Cher concert with a glow stick in my mouth. Run back to the RV. Take 10 consecutive whip-its, and run, I mean fly down the 2 Live Crew Show starting at 2:30. "Fuck Marinez. Fuck, Fuck, Martinez!" The get up and do something anthem of my formative years. Pocahantus comin? Free Willy FREE WILLY! 3, 4, we fucked on the floor? Luther Campbell you are to wrap, I mean rap, what like Dustin Diamond is to say Saturday morning TV my friend. Snort a bunch of crystal meth. 4:00 and Toby "I'd rather kick you in the fuckin face rather than look at you you communist pinko fuck, fuck you fucking yuppie you make me fucking sick" Keith! Drink a quart of moon-shine, actually think I turn into a werewolf and start howling at the moon which presumabley isn't there. It's cool though, because I steal a huge rebel flag, Stars and Bars bitch, and wave that mother fucker and yell. "The fucking South was Robbed, all you fucking carpet baggers can suck my dick!" the rest of the show. Get invited backstage after the concert but have to opt out, because Ace of Base is on at 6:30. I see the sign, after dropping 5 hits of ecstacy and 5 of acid. Have this chick write, Ace of Base makes Ikea look like Cher's pussy (I have no idea what this means) on my forehead in permanent black marker. I miss the beach boys because I think there are ewoks trying to literally kill me, I'm heard whispering, "Sure there cute, until you're riding on one of those paratrooper machines and they sabotage you with a net. Then the ewoks come to feast. They eat people and shit." Sleep throught the rest of Saturday and presumabley Sunday's shows. Damnit, I cannot believe I actually miss Nelson, sooo stupid.

Ok then, that is like a prediction or something of what my Bonnaroo will turn into. I cannot wait to yell at Cher.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

See What Had Happend Is

editor's note: Let's face facts, "Cops" is a truly awesome show. It's been on for like 15 or so years and it just doesn't get old. The other great thing is that it's always on, I mean always, it's on right now, trust me. Well this post is dedicated to the awesomeness that is "Cops". It won't be as awesome as "Cops" just dedicated to that awesomeness.

Guilty person: "See what had happened is, I was in the kitchen right, cooking up a burrito, then, you see, I heard a crash in the other room."

Cop: "A crash?"

Guilty Person: "Yeah, yeah. So I run in the other room and my homeboy Roscoe had thrown a rock through the window, right. Roscoe's always high. So, then I go back in the kitchen and the bitch is shot...I promise. I don't know how it happened? It wasn't me."

Cop: "So you didn't shot your girlfriend? Put your hands behind your back. You have the right to remain silent..."

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

The funniest thing I ever wrote

was probably that post I did on Radiohead fans almost a year ago, this post is not in anyway related to that one, or as funny either. I just wanted to do one of those misdirection type deals, I think it worked well.

On to the issue at hand. I would really feel bad if I killed someone, that is, unless, they were, like, ummmmmm, riding a bike. Then I might actually feel kind of happy, it would be cathartic in a way, cathartic is a way which some sort of catharsis would take over.

See I don't know where everyone who reads this blog lives, but I live here in Atlanta, Ga. The roads are quite busy and narrow, not really the best place for someone to jump on their huffy and take a spin.

The real issue at hand is that on a decently sized road by me they are now redrawing the roads and including bike lanes. The problem is that the bike lanes are only like 2 feet wide. Why would the city want to promote people riding bicycles around town? This road will still be way to crowded and it doesn't lead to any other roads with bicycle lanes. Then they have these commercials where they say shit like "Share the roads" to promote, like, bicycle safety and general harmony and shit between, say, car drivers and bike riders. In my estimation, that whole marketing campaign and general idea in general (people riding bikes on small heavily car populated urban streets and whatnot) can go ahead and sit on my dick and spin. Why the fuck should I almost get into an accident every time some jackass decides to go biking around the city on a bike? Here's how I view these things, I'm not actively going to try to run over anyone riding a bike around Atlanta, but I am in a car, if the decision is between me running over some dude on a bike or hitting an Ford Expedition, hitting the dude on the bike will always be option 1A. This goes for motorcycle riders as well (not as large a problem as bikers because of the actual speed they can maintain) but let's say I own a Yugo or something and you have a badass Harley, well you could probably kick my ass and are much cooler than me in, say, general but if we get into an accident I'm thinking the Yugo will win like 100% of the time (just a little food for thought, should have been an aside or something).

In summary, don't ride your bike around heavily-traffic roads in urban areas, it's a dangerous situation for eveyone involved, especially for you (you being the dumbass actually riding the bike) because as mentioned before, no fucking way am I going to be riding a bike around the ATL. If I was to hit and let's say kill a bike rider (not on purpose mind you...nonetheless), it may actually feel cathartic. Bike riders and squirrels (I briefly touched on this awhile back) not going to feel too guilty about this. And someone help me if I ever see a fucking squirrel riding a bike, then all bets are off...

editor's note: I wonder if the anti-christ was born today?

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Let's make the spelling bee fun (er)

Let's face it, the spelling bee is pretty damn fun to watch. A bunch of totally socially inept high school shut-ins going through the most awkward years of their lives competing in an insanely ridiculous competition broadcast live on TV, what's not to love. It could be better though, here are just a couple of suggestions.

1. These kids look like a bunch of deer caught in a proverbial headlight, but we could definitely make it more uncomfortable. Let's put up a 24 second shot clock. How many times do you really need to know the county of origin? Ok, I'll use it in a sentence but you only got like 15 seconds to spell the shit now poindexter. I think some of these kids may actually piss their pants if we did this.

2. Taunting. What the fuck is this Golf? Every other "sport" (competition is a better phrase, they show the shit on ESPN though, although that doesn't make it a real sport either) you can heckle players, why not the spelling bee? I would pay 200 clams for a ticket if I could taunt these fuckers. It'd go something like this..."You can't spell that motherfucker. Just stop trying now. Country of origin ain't gonna save your ass this time. Alternate pronunciation my dick. Why don't you just give up now lady killer, take your ass back to Des Moines, Iowa, rent the LOTR trilogy, masturbate to the scenes with Gollum in them, cry while you're doing it, have your mom drive you to your weekly Magic the Gathering club meeting which of you are the treasurer, talk about gay shit to your other loser friends, and cry about how the jocks are mean to you...listen that hot girl in third period doesn't know you exist, this is for the best, trust me, if you actually did have a conversation with her she would probably run screaming away from you to her Miata and cost her parents some expensive therapy, then you'd want to kill yourself or worse pull a Columbine type incident...2 seconds left on the shot clock!"

3. Simon Cowell. I don't watch the AI but I do enjoy me some Simon Cowell. What a total prick. Perfect for the spelling bee, we definitely need to critique these kids after they mis-spell words. Let them lose more self-esteem, Cowell is the man for the job, if we can't get him let's try to get that British chick who used be on that one game show that sucked but everyone initially watched (I'm forgeting the name here, someone help me out). The Brits are great for this kind of shit.

4. Boxing. If two kids get knocked out let them box and the winner gets back in. Trust me, these kids need to learn how to fight before they hit high school, this would help them out immensley. If it just so happens that 11 yr. 4 ft. 7 in. 80 lb. girl with the large glasses, doctor mandated footware and pet gold fish who are her only real "friends" happens to be matched up against the oafish 13 yr. 6 ft. 1 in. 220 lb. boy with the pocket protector (tape intact in the middle of glasses), awkward Jack White type moustache, and face that looks like the like surface of the like moon are matched up...so be it, we don't make the rules we just enforce them (lshismp).

I'm pretty fucking sure if these changes were made we could the bee to pay per view, I'm talking super bowl type ratings. Who's with me?

editor's note: cultgoespop can't spell too well and is allergic to spell check, yet he enjoys the bee.

Friday, June 02, 2006

June

It's June, I changed the header. FMJ is still my favorite war movie of all-time, also my favorite Kubrick flick. Look for a post this weekend.