same as it ever was (talking heads)

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Let's make the spelling bee fun (er)

Let's face it, the spelling bee is pretty damn fun to watch. A bunch of totally socially inept high school shut-ins going through the most awkward years of their lives competing in an insanely ridiculous competition broadcast live on TV, what's not to love. It could be better though, here are just a couple of suggestions.

1. These kids look like a bunch of deer caught in a proverbial headlight, but we could definitely make it more uncomfortable. Let's put up a 24 second shot clock. How many times do you really need to know the county of origin? Ok, I'll use it in a sentence but you only got like 15 seconds to spell the shit now poindexter. I think some of these kids may actually piss their pants if we did this.

2. Taunting. What the fuck is this Golf? Every other "sport" (competition is a better phrase, they show the shit on ESPN though, although that doesn't make it a real sport either) you can heckle players, why not the spelling bee? I would pay 200 clams for a ticket if I could taunt these fuckers. It'd go something like this..."You can't spell that motherfucker. Just stop trying now. Country of origin ain't gonna save your ass this time. Alternate pronunciation my dick. Why don't you just give up now lady killer, take your ass back to Des Moines, Iowa, rent the LOTR trilogy, masturbate to the scenes with Gollum in them, cry while you're doing it, have your mom drive you to your weekly Magic the Gathering club meeting which of you are the treasurer, talk about gay shit to your other loser friends, and cry about how the jocks are mean to you...listen that hot girl in third period doesn't know you exist, this is for the best, trust me, if you actually did have a conversation with her she would probably run screaming away from you to her Miata and cost her parents some expensive therapy, then you'd want to kill yourself or worse pull a Columbine type incident...2 seconds left on the shot clock!"

3. Simon Cowell. I don't watch the AI but I do enjoy me some Simon Cowell. What a total prick. Perfect for the spelling bee, we definitely need to critique these kids after they mis-spell words. Let them lose more self-esteem, Cowell is the man for the job, if we can't get him let's try to get that British chick who used be on that one game show that sucked but everyone initially watched (I'm forgeting the name here, someone help me out). The Brits are great for this kind of shit.

4. Boxing. If two kids get knocked out let them box and the winner gets back in. Trust me, these kids need to learn how to fight before they hit high school, this would help them out immensley. If it just so happens that 11 yr. 4 ft. 7 in. 80 lb. girl with the large glasses, doctor mandated footware and pet gold fish who are her only real "friends" happens to be matched up against the oafish 13 yr. 6 ft. 1 in. 220 lb. boy with the pocket protector (tape intact in the middle of glasses), awkward Jack White type moustache, and face that looks like the like surface of the like moon are matched be it, we don't make the rules we just enforce them (lshismp).

I'm pretty fucking sure if these changes were made we could the bee to pay per view, I'm talking super bowl type ratings. Who's with me?

editor's note: cultgoespop can't spell too well and is allergic to spell check, yet he enjoys the bee.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good post Sanders, I laughed.

Saturday, June 03, 2006 11:25:00 PM

Blogger Scrubby Nub and The Bothered Brigade said...

I think heckling is a great addition. Possibly getting struck with cattle prods after incorrect answers would be good, too.

Monday, June 05, 2006 12:23:00 PM

Blogger chiggers said...

hey! i was one of those lame spelling bee kids!

Monday, June 05, 2006 10:12:00 PM

Anonymous York said...

Hilarious! And what about throwing food? You know they are used to it from the lunch room. I was the alternate for the 6th grade spelling bee, so close! And you are the weakest link, goodbye.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006 10:13:00 AM

Blogger Symms said...

I think the losers should have to keep coming back until they win.

After a few decades, you'd have some 40- 50-year olds in there.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006 9:28:00 PM

Anonymous Lor Mor said...

I too was the alternate for the 6th and 7th spelling bees... damn cynthia mckinney and her spelling skills... i was the weakest link dammit...

I say we put those dog collars w/ the shockers on them... and let the audience hold the remotes for them..

Monday, June 12, 2006 2:32:00 PM


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