Cultgoespop

Damn I'm good at Trivia...and it makes me :(

2007-03-16T10:17:00.000-04:00

Do you know who Bayside High's rival High School is? Do ya...huh? It's Valley High. I pulled that out of my ass last night in Trivia. As the song started can't remeber what it was probably something cheesey and 80's I started in on the merits of Saved by the Bell to my buddy. I was shocked to see that he wasn't even a casual fan. He was born late 70's same as me, wheel-house demographic for Saved. Anyway, I been reading up on Saved by the Bell on Wikipedia just a few months earlier (Mr. fucking cool incarnate)and I'm not sure if this nugget subliminally stuck in my head or what but here's kinda how the conversation went...

HIM: Saved by the Bell? Don't have a clue
ME: Dude, you don't like Saved by the Bell?
HIM: (Gives me blank awkward stare, when it should have been me giving him blank awkward stare since he doesn't like Saved by the Bell, so I in turn give him blank awkward stare) dude, no I never really watched it. So what are we guessing here, don't have a clue?
ME: Well shit, let me see here, Saved by the Bell was set in California soooo, it's something like, fuck man, I can't remember
HIM: Let's put a stupid answer, like some kind of seeing for the blind school.
ME: Excuse me but are we in second grade? I'm a bit more mature than that at my current age. Let me brain-storm some more here so we don't have to resort to juvenile tactics to get cheap laughs. Grow up man. (This is a lie, actually I didn't say any of that, I just laughed)
HIM: Got anything better than that
(crazy cheesey-ass 2-minute 80's keyboard solo about to end, one can only assume, meaning time is getting short)
ME: Valley High? This is a guess, doubt it is it, but it has California overtones?
HIM: Either that or the blind and deaf school
ME: It's not right but give it a shot...

But it was RIGHT! Looking back on it today though, I feel melancholy. What if all the useless information floating around in my head was actually dedicated to something worth-while? Would we have a cure for cancer? People on Mars? Would Oprah Winfrey be dead? The world will never know...

March but not quite yet, but close

2007-02-28T20:15:00.000-05:00

yeah pretty close, and i had some time, so i changed the header. talking heads, still criminally under-rated. i'm in vegas got here this afternoon and like the party animal i am decided to blog, fuck the craps table, internet, terrible. anyway i don't hit the actual strip until tomorrow afternoon (even though i'm going to ceasers in like 20 minutes) but i'll be up for 72 hours straight, seriously, anyway LA was fun, cool place gets a bad rap. i learned something along my adventures too, don't drink warm schlitz, and try to tear down a basket ball goal if you want to keep your right index finger.

It's February 12th and I haven't changed the header...ouch

2007-02-12T22:49:00.000-05:00

Tis February 12th and I'm just changing the header. I'm quoting one of my favorite movies of all-time, Made is a classic, Vaughn is in over-drive.

Here's the point in my recent posts where I say something like, "dude's I'm totally going to post more posts, totally swear!" and then I don't post anything. So I'm not going to say something like that...not going to...not doing it...right now...told ya.

Oh yeah, I'm going to L.A. and Vegas for 11 days Feb. 23rd-March 4th. My liver dislikes me.

editor's note: I don't think it's actually possible for an organ to actually have feelings...felt like pointing that out.

jan 2007

2007-01-03T14:42:00.000-05:00

don't know what putting a battery in your leg means, but i like the sound of it

i cannot keep up, i try, yet i cannot,

2006-12-15T20:53:00.000-05:00

1. my favorite album of the year is Destroy's Rubies destroyer...quite addictive, Bejar is a genius

2. Talk to la Bomb brazilian girls by brazilian girls

editor's note: I feel this has been an off year in music, but i cannot keep up, i try, yet i cannot, so i may be off, there was some other good shit i purchased but the above definitely stood out to me...aughtsix was still probably better than let's say like 98'. this is my end of the year music review, not really too in depth, kinda slack ass, but i'm keeping up a cultgoespopthemrehere: 2007 new's years resolution to be less self depricating_killing multiple, like 1x2 penguins with crack (rawk). meaning don't expect a new year's resolution type or themed or type post.

there is a nascar "fragrance"

2006-12-15T19:53:00.000-05:00

possible ad campaign slogan

"I smell like burnt rubber
and tears from my lover"

I realize this is gross generalization but I'll make it because there shouldn't be a nascar fragrence

blog. blog i said (take that C&C music factory song and replace danse with blog, a post relating to the origin of this blog's name)

2006-12-08T20:36:00.000-05:00

I think I've mentioned this before (maybe not, but I think I briefly brought it up one time not a full explanation) but look at my September 2006 archieve (actually don't) so if I have two posts in one day bare with me. The origin of cultgoespop (name)...

Double Entandre (don't know if that's how you spell it I hate spell check you get the picture)

The name is a double entandre, which means that it in actuality has two meanings yet it is one phrase, or idea, or word? Can a word be a double Ent... don't know if that qualifies? I know a word can have two (or 345etc) different meanings but I don't think it can be a doubleE. Anyway, the 2 meanings.

1. It means culture goes popular, and I am mainly referring to Tara Reid tit popping out of her dress type "culture" like as in "popular culture" becoming mainstream popular. Will middle school kids 50 years from now study this shit in history books? One can only hope.

2. Secondly it means or could mean like an actual Heaven's Gate or Dave Koresh type cult going "pop" as in they like all die or kill themselves. This is a bit more morbid take on the name I suppose but fuck it, if you're going to dress in all black and wear those stupid ass black Nike's with the purple swoosh and listen to some dude who looks like that main Schlopek neighbor in the Burbs you deserve to kill yourself and die, I have no remorse for you.

Finally, I always kind of either consciously or sub-consciously try in some way to tie the ramblings of my post together, whether it's blatently evident or not. I can't really write which makes blogging a great medium for me, but I really respect people who can without spelling out their point to the masses, writers who make people think...Anyway my tie-in with this explanation and post is that in my first definition of the name I mentioned an event that took place in popular culture to describe the definition so it goes together. Secondly I tried to tie things together by mentioning that C&C Music Factory song in the title of this blog. I then mentioned people killing themselves or people in cults. All people who actually like C&C Music Factory HAVE to be in a cult, and should immediatley kill themselves.

First Blood Part 2? Let's work on this

2006-12-04T14:39:00.000-05:00

This past Friday evening on AMC, I was lucky enough to view one of the greatest cinematic acheivements of the 20th century. Yes, I was lucky enough to catch about the last hour or so of Rambo: First Blood Part 2! I make partial fun of this now, but I bet I watched this movie at least 30 times when I was growing up in the 80's. Rambo is the fucking man, his general disregard to pig feces and leetches, I bet he actually enjoyed being stuck in the all that shit. To the rat killing and electrocution, to the most amazing feat in the history of man kind...the jump out of the river onto the helicopter. Michael Jordan is a lucky man that John Rambo was into being an unsocial ex-Vietnam vet with unintelligible social skills, I don't care if he is only 5'5", Rambo would have shut Jordan down, the river jump onto the helicoptor proves this (if you have no clue what I speak of too bad, fascinating stuff, 10.0 on the rictor scale of unintentional humor). Anyway let me get to my point although this movie still kicks ass (mostly for the wrong reasons now) I was always perplexed by the name, even at a young age. The problem of course is the name First Blood Part 2 doesn't make any sense. Below I'm going to offer up some alternative names for the title of this film.

1. Rambo: Second Blood
2. Rambo: First Blood, Again
3. Rambo: First Blood, well actually, no, not technically First Blood
4. Rambo: First Blood Part 2...wait, we can't name it that. Why? Because it doesn't make any sense. The word First implies that it was the actual initial time an event happened, calling something first and then adding the lame part 2 does nothing to correct that problem, it just makes us look stupid. Well fine then, if you guys name it that I want my executive producer title taken off the movie, no I still want to get paid, I just don't want to associated with that idiotic name. I told you guys hiring Frank Stallone to name this thing was going to be a bad idea.

December

2006-12-01T09:43:00.000-05:00

I really hope it snows this year down here.

I also hope that I can get some of friends together for some type of Christmas play. I hope they put me in charge of getting the tree. I hope I find a lower budget level tree and bring it back to the gang. I then hope the gang hates it and berates me and says shit like, "dude, that tree sucks cultgoespop, you can't do anything right!". Then I hope that my one friend *Linonel* says something really spiratually uplifting and Christmaslly-themed inspirational to the gang and they forgive me. I then would like to see all of the gang gather around the tree and rub their hands as if they were in front of a fire and see my shitty lower budgeted tree turn into a somewhat respectable tree (this is performed by some type of voodoo I presume...Charlie Brown and the rest of the gangs parents were heavy into voodoo, that's why they talked like they did...oh fuck, I just gave away my ruse). I then hope that me and the red-headed girl have a threesome with Lucy.

Happy holidays to all

itsnovemberanditscold

2006-11-03T11:22:00.000-05:00

global warming my dic...I can't say that way to many liberals are bloggers. anywho, damn I fear and weirdly admire and loathe advertising, but monday's sports center was like a constant fucking sports center and nba and lebron and nike commercial for like an hour, non-stop. it was partially vomit inducing yet also partially brilliant (brilliant b/c it's so in your face LCD type stuff that normal stupid people will eat it up). anyway it's november and it's cold outside, even in Atlanta.

Eckersley part 1/4...10-28-06 NYC Halloween party

2006-10-31T15:59:00.000-05:00

You must simply scroll down to see Dennis here deliver a nasty what I may presume as a...let's say...slider. I was up in New York this past weekend for Halloween festivities and my friend has some good pictures but this one takes the cake. I'm not even sure who the dude in this picture is, the only thing I know is that these pictures are fucking hilarious, and that's all that matters. Also if you ever get a chance to party in the NYC for Halloween...do it.

Eckersley part 2/4

2006-10-31T15:57:00.000-05:00

Eckersley part 3/4

2006-10-31T15:56:00.000-05:00

Eckersley part 4/4

2006-10-31T15:55:00.000-05:00

A Don Hughes/Johnny Ballon movie pitch (#8)

2006-10-18T20:26:00.000-04:00

A Feld-dog and Haimster buddy pic...as of yet untitled

JB: Back from the dead
DH: With commerce on our mind, commerce is another name for us, or movies that we fucking make, movie-movies if you so must call them. Also now called commerce.
JB: Course sweethearts, look up commerce in the OED, picture of me and Don, it was only a matter of time.
DH: Yeah, not much of a suprise, knew it would happen. A bit suprising it happened while we were on hiatus though, no matter I'm sure everyone is dying to hear what we did while of vacation.
JB: Oh yeah, good times had by all. It's great to get out of L.A. for a bit, the vampire set can get a tad repetive after awhile. I personally packed my shit up and moved to Nam, Vietnam. After playing the russian roulet circuit, I moved down the river a bit and set up a well...I guess some people might call it a cult, but I liked to refer to it as "Johnny's People". Fucking fantastic times, you wouldn't believe how many sycophants actually transplanted from right here in Hollywood to join me. Fucking actors, anything to get a bit part in one of next blockbusters. Mix them in with some natives and you have a lethal combination of desperation, hunger, malaria, cannibalism, and crucifixtion to please anyone for a 3 month period. Sure I put on a couple hundred pounds and made everyone call me Colonel Johnny Kurtz but I'm doing yoga, pilates, circuit training, ultimate fighting, triathalon work, acupuncture, trepanation, push-ups, and am eating only South Beach diet themed microwavable food to back in tip top shape. People often ask me since I've been back, "colonel Johnny do you miss drinking the virgin blood?" I have a standard response..."What the fuck dumb-ass, do you think that's really V-8 in my fridge?" Anyhow, everyone needs a nice vacation.
DH: Couldn't have said it better myself. I played much more close to the vest during my time off. I stayed here and went all Howard Hughes, I still have yet to cut my finger and toe nails, and seriously doubt I ever will though, the pussy loves it, or maybe they don't, I could actually care less. Onto magic time...

editor's note: to be continued, also a side-note DH and JB posts are usually done in green the color of money...not anymore, now they are in red, Don and Johnny have so much cash from their previous ventures they are starting to print their own currency, it'll soon rival *at least* the Euro...

icanandwillwritethatmovie

2006-10-14T05:47:00.000-04:00

oh yeah look out for a don hughes and johnny ballon.......................................................................................................................................................................................................production

possibly a true story, or at least a spring break vaaaaaaacaaaaaaaaaaaa

Potential pickup line for a future lesbian love interest

2006-10-01T03:15:00.000-04:00

"Hey let's chill back at my place, grab some beers and watch the first 2/3 of Chasing Amy"

editor's note: The previous post wasn't elaborate, it was hopefully irreverant though. I was going to post some shit in during my hiatus but I didn't...don't know why, I guess I just needed a break (hopefully I'm back, for my mental sake) I think my most promising idea would have been a soliloquy where I posed as Pluto (former planet) and got pissed that I was downgraded to a dwarf planet. How the fuck does even happen? Scientifically speaking? A possible highlight may have been..."Are you kidding me a dwarf planet? I'm immediately firebombing all the fucking Starbucks on my surface. I fucked your moon up the ass!"

I really want too

2006-10-01T03:05:00.000-04:00

snort me some of that high speed intenet...

editor's note: I don't know if this is a regional or national commercial but have you dudes seen this shit? Dude rubs some high speed internet on his hands and washes like a 1,000 dishes and what not? Awesomeness. Underusedterm...this is an elaborate irreverant joke

October...I miss you fuckers...I heart October

2006-10-01T02:35:00.000-04:00

I'm going to try to step up game...my shit has been lacking (it possibly always has) but fuck it, I'm tenatively back and shit what ever the fuck that means. I like the Stills, their first album is stellar. I was luke warm to cold on offering dos...yet after some more spins there are a couple of keepers witch (notice intentionally incorrect October themed spelling?) leads me to my point, I really like the song I quoted here. I think the header means something, intersting lyric, fuck waiting, that's what they mean, I totally agree...cool, we'll see how this shit all shakes out.

2

I used to post...promise

2006-09-07T17:30:00.000-04:00

changed the header went to NYC this past weekend, awesome 1st time in 10 years, this blog sucks, I'll try to work on that...

Someone bitched at me for not posting and someone wanted a lollapaloopa update so here you fuckers go I'm killing the proverbial two birds with...

2006-08-10T22:27:00.000-04:00

Chicago and Lolla... was great I got to see a lot of sweet bands and fun as well, the weather held up it was mid 80's blah blah blah ok onto some highlights.

Friday:
Definite early highlight was one of the dudes from the Eels. He was dressed and looked like a fucking Harley type biker dude and the first half of the show danced around and did karate moves the entire time. Kind of similar to the dude in Happy Monday's or the Bosstone dude in the Mighty Mighty Bosstones, except this guy could have killed both of those dudes in under 4 seconds if he so felt the need. Closer to the end of the show he'd just say random shit into the mic and stand around and look mean and dead serious. Comic highlight of the weekend when he looked to the left of the stage pointed out and said, "HEY! Is that cocktail sauce?" for no apparent reason, I was laughing for a good 10 minutes or so. He eventually played the guitar on the last couple of songs.

Ryan Adams. Ok, here's the thing, I really like a bunch of his music, but he put on a lackluster first half of the set, and I was getting hungry (it was about 5 pm at this point). He then proceded to talk about eggs and how Chicago is an awesome city because you can get eggs after 11 pm. He then said shit like, "Why people be hatin on eggs?" etc etc etc, sounds like it may have been funny but totally sucked. I left after this and spent 9 bucks on vegtable lo mein and chicken on a stick dish. It would have been funny if he would have said, "Sam I Am down with the program, green eggs and ham, Yosemite Sam" (partial Beastie Boys "Egg Man" lyrics...actually funny I thought this exact thought after I gave up on RA and headed for food but it stuck in my mind long enough because I cell bombed one of my buddies at like 5 am est this same morning and he told me a couple days later that I was singing this on one of the multiple messages that I left). Side note. I'm fucking convinced that they sell food at these types of festivals that are 100% gauranteed to get you messy and pissed off. I had a fucking Gyro and the chicken on a stick and both of them were a fucking mess. Also I ruined a pair of my pants with grease stains from a Gyro at Bonnaroo.

My Morning Jacket. Only played an hour set but damn are these fuckers totally unbelievable. I'd pay upwards of 100 dollars to see them live at a smaller venue, they played a 3 hour set at Bonnaroo, one the three best live concert experiences of my life.

Sleater Kinny. They played and this was one of their last shows or something, didn't really pay attention b/c saw an old buddy from UGA and 4 of us who went there discussed college football the entire time drank a lot of beer as well (especially by this point in the evening)

Death Cab for Cutie. Wanted to see Ween but they were on the other side of the park and my friends wanted to see Death Cab, what are you going to do (I alreay saw an awesome 3 hour Ween show earlier this Spring in the A). Death cab was pretty good, I would have preferred to have seen Ween though (I already mentioned this).

Bands I saw I didn't really talk about on Friday. Cursive, not a huge fan, wasn't really converted. Stars, good show I was impressed. Iron & Wine, don't remember much was meeting friends who had been working up until that point of the day.

Ok this is a long post, I'll split up Saturday and Sunday into seperate posts...

editor's note: You bastards happy? Only kidding, well not in your case Lorie...

August ooooo six

2006-08-01T21:48:00.000-04:00

changed the header, was going to do the movie quote from goodfellas where joe pesci is talking about his mom's painting maybe next month. the big lebowski is funny, that quote is funny, lost boys rule, i did a post about it below, going to chicago on thursday for lollapalooza, etc, etc,etcetcetc

Let me try this again

2006-08-01T21:10:00.000-04:00

I just had an awesome post about how I watched Lost Boys back to back this weekend and what a good movie it is, it took about an hour and my computer locked up and it didn't post, so I'm kinda pissed, here's a consolidated version of that post...

Jamie Grrrrrrrtz: Hotter in this or Less than Zero? Impossible to tell. She couldn't act her way out of a Mento's commercial, but this isn't really the point now is it.

Feld-dog: robbed of best supporting actor in 87'. Impossible not to laugh at his every single line of dialog delivered in this movie. Inspired choice to play part time high school comic store book employee as grizzled Vietnam-vet type character.

Haimster: Never better. Made wearing a Jackson Pollock on acid shirt and long white linen coat look cool.

dude who plays the other Frog brother: haven't seen him before or since, but amazingly channeled Keanu Reeves somehow. convinced he was Feld-dog and Haimster's drinking buddy. Probably died of alcohol poisoning drinking at the Viper Room with FD and H soon after this movie was in the can.

Jack Bauer: David would have broken Jack Bauer's neck, drank his blood then fucked Star and that annoying cross eyed chick from 24.

other vampire dudes: Looked like a bunch of Poison roadies, tubular shit.

Max: Kind of a dork until he turned into a mean looking Vampire at the end. Nice evil plan to boot, starting a weird ass vampire family with Diane Weiss.

Jason Patric: Good actor. Bonus points for his turn on the Hurlihey SNL skit where he yells, "The boy wants his dog back, you Nazi son-of-a-bitch!" Bonus points taken away for Speed 2.

Grandpa: Anyone who uses Windex as after shave and still gets laid is alright in my book.

Soundtrack: INXS, Echo and the Bunnymen and "Thou Shall Not Kill" song, kick-ass.

Twist Ending: Grandpa knew about all the damned vampires in Santa Carla, never saw that one coming, inspired such films as Usual Suspects and Fight Club, I'm convinced.

Vampires in general: Much cooler than mummies and frankenstein's monsters

editor's note: shout out to the art department or director or whoever decided to put the Rob Lowe poster on the Haimster's closet door. A moment too funny for me to do justice for in type.

the brand new game that's sweeping the nation "confuse a shot girl"

2006-07-22T13:52:00.000-04:00

Let's say hypothetically not much is happening around your neck or the woods on say a Friday night. Ok, most of the friends are out of town, but it's been a long work week, you don't really want to waste Friday night in front of the TV, what to do? Hmmmmmmmmmm, got it, hypothetically, you should head over to your nearest local strip club. Genius, genius idea, you are a genius now.

Ok, at _insert name of local strip club_and you have spent obscene amounts of money by this point. A shot girl comes up to you and asks if you want a shot (of jager, or jager bomb, or a red headed slut, or maybe a lemon drop, or that shit that is blue, or maybe the sunny D, or possibley the purple stuff, I would personally go for the purple stuff, hypothetically). Ok, so you've done a fair amount of drinking by this point in the evening and agree for shot girl to tender services for an amount of 5 dollars US american (hypothetical situation).

I don't know if anyone has ever been to a strip club, I'm thinking probably yes 100 percentile of the readers of this blog have but (to air on the side of safety) the shot comes in what looks like a test tube vile type aparatus, this is important information. Let's say the shot girl then sits in your lap and takes the vile of the purple stuff and starts to lick it and look at you and shove the vile down her throght like she performing fellatio. Yes like she's giving the vile a blow-job but she's looking intently at you this is the point where the brand new game that's sweeping the nation "confus a shot girl" comes into play (hypothetically). Simply say to the shot girl...

"This is suppossed to be a metaphor. Right?"

editor's note: If you are ever at a strip club and a stripper who's stripping says to you, "I took Red Bull, it gave me wings" for no apparent reason, instead of dwelling on the implications of this statement at this point and time say to her "as advertised".

Alcohol, the cause of and solution to all of life's problems

2006-07-15T17:22:00.000-04:00

I was pretty sober last night when I posted those three intriguing and thought challenging posts. Let me give you some insight into what I was trying to accomplish with said posts.

Post #1: Yesterday before I went out last night I saw the Tom Emansky baseball video commerical, fucking unreal, how many years has this fucking thing been on? At least 12 or so, it was sans Fred McGriff (that was a bit disappointing, but nonetheless) but still very impressive. I really want to meet someone who purchases this video. People have to be purchasing this video right? Why would they still be showing the commercial if people didn't buy it? On second thought I may buy it, it's got to be fucking hilarious. Also, who learns to play a sport by watching a videotape? Also, I wonder if there is a DVD option or do you still have to purchase it on VCR format, I really hope there is no DVD option.

Post #2: It was a concerned post on if my previous post (Tom Emansky post) got posted or not. It did. I'm going to try not to drink any Vodka tonight.

Post #3: Probably the most confusing of the three (that's saying alot, congrats post 3). Often times I think I should have named this blog cultgonepop, instead of cultgoespop, this is what I was talking about in post three, I mentioned that the there wouldn't be any "" necessary though, but I thought you dudes probably understood that.

Post #2:

should have been "gone" minus the quotes that i just put on but you dudes probably already new that

2006-07-15T03:57:00.000-04:00

Did the fuckiiiiiiiing Thoms Thomas EManskiii (y) post get posted???

2006-07-15T03:45:00.000-04:00

lettuce hop...e...sew

I Really...REALLY Want To Meet Tom Emansky...(possibly) ii

2006-07-15T03:40:00.000-04:00

3 AAU Championships circa 89-91...?????????...Who is this dude's press AGENT???...Unbievalbe,,,...

Rogue Wave "Nourishment Nation"

2006-07-05T19:52:00.000-04:00

Saw Rogue Wave about a month or so ago, pretty good. NN m4a is easily my favorite song by them. Wouldn't it be really weird if bands were an actual manifestation of their actual name, meaning that when I showed up to the concert a month ago instead of there being actual humans playing in a band it was an actual wave of the rogue type. We would all have gotten wet, it would have been awesome.

I ripped this idea off

2006-07-03T17:01:00.000-04:00

editor's note: I got this idea from one of those Family Guy flashbacks. It's the one where they show how all of the vowels hate Y. Funny.

Doctor (X): Well, three www's congratulations.
Husband (L): Oh, fucking great! I fucking new it! They aren't even mine!
Wife (O): This is suppossed to be a happy time. Shut-up you bastard!
L: They're H's aren't they? Come out and say it! I know it, I should have figured as much.
O: I hate you!
L: Old college "friends" my ass. Sure, "we just go to museums together" how stupid could I have been.
O: Well you wouldn't go do anything cultural with me, what do you expect? Plus don't come off all high and mighty, I know what you've been up to with that hussie C. Don't think I don't know.
L: How are we suppossed to pay for this? I'm mortgagd to the hilt! I'm not going to make partner for at least 8 more years?
O: Maybe you could sell your Range Rover you selfish prick! Also cut down on your Vegas trips asshole.
L: You know I love the Rover, it's not going to happen. Don't bring Vegas into this, when else am I going to get some "Me" time. That's it, It's done, finished. I'll have Alberto (D, L's lawyer and co-worker at the firm) serve you up the papers. Good luck with tripletts and your liberal arts degree!

editor's note: The three w's went on to become huge as we all know. O lives in a manison in West Palm Beach, Fla. and L got murdered in Vegas.

Allow myself to whore myself

2006-07-02T18:00:00.000-04:00

July 9th, it's the CGP birthday or anniversary or what have you. I've made you guys laugh? Right? No? Whatever, I still want some fucking presents. Here's my list...

1. A My little Pony, it's gotta be pink though.
2. A coinstar machine at the pad here in the ATL. I have a problem with change, I don't know if I love it or hate. I always have so much and I can't get rid of it and it pisses me off, but maybe I love it, maybe that's why I have so much? Who the fuck knows, I just know I needs me a coinstar machine.
3. A copy of "How to pick up trashy women" the book that John Cusak's little brother was reading in "Better Off Dead".
4. A turban like Dre 3K had circa ATLiens, I think I'm going to start pimping a turban around...a turban.
5. A European vacation...and Chevy Chase as accompianment on said Vacation.
6. Chevy Chase to start using coke again before we set off to Europe. So he'd be funny again.
7. Dan Brown's soul.
8. One of those talking and driving cars like Kit from "Knight Rider", but it can't have one of those gay English boarding school accents, I want it to sound like Steven A. Smith.
9. An entry into the 2006 WSOP main event.
10. Sex with Michelle Phiefer...and her sister (totally hot, trust me).
11. A voodoo doll of the person who greenlit "Operation Dumbo Drop" so I can jab it with pins on a secondly basis.
12. To have Jeff Bridges reprise his role as "The Dude" from Lebowski so he can come over and hang out, we'll drink White Russians and smoke some bulls (intentional word mis-usage).
13. A shopping cart, from Kroger not Publix.
14. One of those lightning bolt scares on my forehead like Harry Potter has. A make-out session with Hermoine (she's of age right? if not disregard that statement).
15. Outkast, Radiohead, Wilco, and especially Interpol to all release new albums on the 9th.
16. Some popsicle art, very hip and huge in Moscow from what I hear.
17. Lindsay Lohan to show me her tits and then say, "I'm stopping making movies, I publicly apologize officially right now. One more thing Aaron Carter is a pussy. HEY! I didn't say you could touch them!"
18. A pet turtle, I'll fucking take it everywhere with me like those Hollywood chicks do with their stupid little dogs. I'll put it in my pocket, when it gets too big to fit in my pocket I'll throw it away and someone can buy me a new one.
19. #20 to be really funny.
20.

July...hawt

2006-07-02T16:33:00.000-04:00

Holy fucking shit. I forgot I had a blog! It's almost cultgoespop one year b-day, it's in like 5 or 6 days or something. Pimp. I need some help here, I'm going Lollapalooza in early August. On Saturday the geniuses who set up the festival scheduled The New Pornographers and Theivery Corporation at the same time. Who should I go see? Help a brother out. Anyway I changed the header, yet again I was late to the party, "Alligator" by the National is the shit, just recently picked it up, the header is a line from a song they sing, it deals with not fucking people over and the month of November...it's July...hawt

The Fackin' ROOOOOO

2006-06-12T20:25:00.000-04:00

Hell's yeah. This Thursday I'm off to the Bonnaroo concert to see the bands and party with the kids. There will be some totally dope muzak at this biotch, here's a break-down of sorts, a prediction of the time that will be had by me.

Thursday Night:

7:30ish P.M...Leave the ATL drive about 31/2 hours to our friend's house in Nashville to spend the night. Listen to "Kokomo" by the Beach Boys on repeat the entire way! Can't wait to see those fuckers headline Saturday night! John Stamos on drums!! No Brian Wilson!!! That fucker really messed up their sound. Drink a quart of Tequila on the way up, drive the last hour of the trip.

Friday:

Wake up about 9 A.M. and drive the rest of the way to Manchester. Double fist Bloody Mary's the entire way. That should put me at about 6-8 Mary's by the time we get there as long as I don't drink like a pussy. By the time we get past security etc. It should be about noonish or noonch, pronounce however you like, and it's time to go kroosin for High School chicks. Winger doesn't start until 2:00, I sure as fuck ain't missin them, but there should be some high school chicks running around (school's out) try to give them some beers and get to like second base or so. On the Winger!!! That, shit Rawked! Mascara and spandex and guitar solos, FUCK YEAH. Need I say more, such an under-rated sound. Snort some VCR cleaner. Like a bunch. On to see Boys To Men at about 4:30. "Mo Town Philly's Back Again!" Fuck yeah his ass is. Order two Philly Chesse Steaks and eat them during the set. 6:30, House of Pain! Jump around, Jump around, Jump around crackers. I'm white, I'm Irish, I can wrap! I mean rap bitches. I don't feel so much like jumping around though because of the 4 oxycodeine I took before the show. Throw-up multiple times. Have to Rally though because Cher is on at 8:30!!!! Yes, CHER!!!! Totally worth the price of admission. Mix up myself a killer 64 oz. Long Island Iced Tea w/ a liberal dose of Liquid Vicodin. See Cher transform into the devil half-way through "Do you believe In life after love". Scream, "Show us your ass with the anvil tattoo or whatever the fuck it is" for the rest of the 2 1/2 hour set. Throw up a couple more times. Pass out and miss Tatoo performing at Midnight (totally pissed off about this).

Saturday 1:00 P.M...Wake up where I presumably passed out at the Cher concert with a glow stick in my mouth. Run back to the RV. Take 10 consecutive whip-its, and run, I mean fly down the 2 Live Crew Show starting at 2:30. "Fuck Marinez. Fuck, Fuck, Martinez!" The get up and do something anthem of my formative years. Pocahantus comin? Free Willy FREE WILLY! 3, 4, we fucked on the floor? Luther Campbell you are to wrap, I mean rap, what like Dustin Diamond is to say Saturday morning TV my friend. Snort a bunch of crystal meth. 4:00 and Toby "I'd rather kick you in the fuckin face rather than look at you you communist pinko fuck, fuck you fucking yuppie you make me fucking sick" Keith! Drink a quart of moon-shine, actually think I turn into a werewolf and start howling at the moon which presumabley isn't there. It's cool though, because I steal a huge rebel flag, Stars and Bars bitch, and wave that mother fucker and yell. "The fucking South was Robbed, all you fucking carpet baggers can suck my dick!" the rest of the show. Get invited backstage after the concert but have to opt out, because Ace of Base is on at 6:30. I see the sign, after dropping 5 hits of ecstacy and 5 of acid. Have this chick write, Ace of Base makes Ikea look like Cher's pussy (I have no idea what this means) on my forehead in permanent black marker. I miss the beach boys because I think there are ewoks trying to literally kill me, I'm heard whispering, "Sure there cute, until you're riding on one of those paratrooper machines and they sabotage you with a net. Then the ewoks come to feast. They eat people and shit." Sleep throught the rest of Saturday and presumabley Sunday's shows. Damnit, I cannot believe I actually miss Nelson, sooo stupid.

Ok then, that is like a prediction or something of what my Bonnaroo will turn into. I cannot wait to yell at Cher.

See What Had Happend Is

2006-06-07T21:33:00.000-04:00

editor's note: Let's face facts, "Cops" is a truly awesome show. It's been on for like 15 or so years and it just doesn't get old. The other great thing is that it's always on, I mean always, it's on right now, trust me. Well this post is dedicated to the awesomeness that is "Cops". It won't be as awesome as "Cops" just dedicated to that awesomeness.

Guilty person: "See what had happened is, I was in the kitchen right, cooking up a burrito, then, you see, I heard a crash in the other room."

Cop: "A crash?"

Guilty Person: "Yeah, yeah. So I run in the other room and my homeboy Roscoe had thrown a rock through the window, right. Roscoe's always high. So, then I go back in the kitchen and the bitch is shot...I promise. I don't know how it happened? It wasn't me."

Cop: "So you didn't shot your girlfriend? Put your hands behind your back. You have the right to remain silent..."

The funniest thing I ever wrote

2006-06-06T20:32:00.000-04:00

was probably that post I did on Radiohead fans almost a year ago, this post is not in anyway related to that one, or as funny either. I just wanted to do one of those misdirection type deals, I think it worked well.

On to the issue at hand. I would really feel bad if I killed someone, that is, unless, they were, like, ummmmmm, riding a bike. Then I might actually feel kind of happy, it would be cathartic in a way, cathartic is a way which some sort of catharsis would take over.

See I don't know where everyone who reads this blog lives, but I live here in Atlanta, Ga. The roads are quite busy and narrow, not really the best place for someone to jump on their huffy and take a spin.

The real issue at hand is that on a decently sized road by me they are now redrawing the roads and including bike lanes. The problem is that the bike lanes are only like 2 feet wide. Why would the city want to promote people riding bicycles around town? This road will still be way to crowded and it doesn't lead to any other roads with bicycle lanes. Then they have these commercials where they say shit like "Share the roads" to promote, like, bicycle safety and general harmony and shit between, say, car drivers and bike riders. In my estimation, that whole marketing campaign and general idea in general (people riding bikes on small heavily car populated urban streets and whatnot) can go ahead and sit on my dick and spin. Why the fuck should I almost get into an accident every time some jackass decides to go biking around the city on a bike? Here's how I view these things, I'm not actively going to try to run over anyone riding a bike around Atlanta, but I am in a car, if the decision is between me running over some dude on a bike or hitting an Ford Expedition, hitting the dude on the bike will always be option 1A. This goes for motorcycle riders as well (not as large a problem as bikers because of the actual speed they can maintain) but let's say I own a Yugo or something and you have a badass Harley, well you could probably kick my ass and are much cooler than me in, say, general but if we get into an accident I'm thinking the Yugo will win like 100% of the time (just a little food for thought, should have been an aside or something).

In summary, don't ride your bike around heavily-traffic roads in urban areas, it's a dangerous situation for eveyone involved, especially for you (you being the dumbass actually riding the bike) because as mentioned before, no fucking way am I going to be riding a bike around the ATL. If I was to hit and let's say kill a bike rider (not on purpose mind you...nonetheless), it may actually feel cathartic. Bike riders and squirrels (I briefly touched on this awhile back) not going to feel too guilty about this. And someone help me if I ever see a fucking squirrel riding a bike, then all bets are off...

editor's note: I wonder if the anti-christ was born today?

Let's make the spelling bee fun (er)

2006-06-03T12:26:00.000-04:00

Let's face it, the spelling bee is pretty damn fun to watch. A bunch of totally socially inept high school shut-ins going through the most awkward years of their lives competing in an insanely ridiculous competition broadcast live on TV, what's not to love. It could be better though, here are just a couple of suggestions.

1. These kids look like a bunch of deer caught in a proverbial headlight, but we could definitely make it more uncomfortable. Let's put up a 24 second shot clock. How many times do you really need to know the county of origin? Ok, I'll use it in a sentence but you only got like 15 seconds to spell the shit now poindexter. I think some of these kids may actually piss their pants if we did this.

2. Taunting. What the fuck is this Golf? Every other "sport" (competition is a better phrase, they show the shit on ESPN though, although that doesn't make it a real sport either) you can heckle players, why not the spelling bee? I would pay 200 clams for a ticket if I could taunt these fuckers. It'd go something like this..."You can't spell that motherfucker. Just stop trying now. Country of origin ain't gonna save your ass this time. Alternate pronunciation my dick. Why don't you just give up now lady killer, take your ass back to Des Moines, Iowa, rent the LOTR trilogy, masturbate to the scenes with Gollum in them, cry while you're doing it, have your mom drive you to your weekly Magic the Gathering club meeting which of you are the treasurer, talk about gay shit to your other loser friends, and cry about how the jocks are mean to you...listen that hot girl in third period doesn't know you exist, this is for the best, trust me, if you actually did have a conversation with her she would probably run screaming away from you to her Miata and cost her parents some expensive therapy, then you'd want to kill yourself or worse pull a Columbine type incident...2 seconds left on the shot clock!"

3. Simon Cowell. I don't watch the AI but I do enjoy me some Simon Cowell. What a total prick. Perfect for the spelling bee, we definitely need to critique these kids after they mis-spell words. Let them lose more self-esteem, Cowell is the man for the job, if we can't get him let's try to get that British chick who used be on that one game show that sucked but everyone initially watched (I'm forgeting the name here, someone help me out). The Brits are great for this kind of shit.

4. Boxing. If two kids get knocked out let them box and the winner gets back in. Trust me, these kids need to learn how to fight before they hit high school, this would help them out immensley. If it just so happens that 11 yr. 4 ft. 7 in. 80 lb. girl with the large glasses, doctor mandated footware and pet gold fish who are her only real "friends" happens to be matched up against the oafish 13 yr. 6 ft. 1 in. 220 lb. boy with the pocket protector (tape intact in the middle of glasses), awkward Jack White type moustache, and face that looks like the like surface of the like moon are matched up...so be it, we don't make the rules we just enforce them (lshismp).

I'm pretty fucking sure if these changes were made we could the bee to pay per view, I'm talking super bowl type ratings. Who's with me?

editor's note: cultgoespop can't spell too well and is allergic to spell check, yet he enjoys the bee.

June

2006-06-02T07:16:00.000-04:00

It's June, I changed the header. FMJ is still my favorite war movie of all-time, also my favorite Kubrick flick. Look for a post this weekend.

Charles Barkley

2006-05-29T18:49:00.000-04:00

the "round mound of rebound", totally awesome dude. Remember when he elbowed that poor Somalian (or something like that) dude in the head during the '92 Olympics? He fucking makes music now too! And it's good! Check this shit out! "The Last Time" m4a. Chuck, you the fucking man dawg.

editor's note: cultgoespop is a dumbass, it's not Charles Barkley, it's Gnarls Barkley. He is right about one thing though, the song is awesome, it makes his caucausin ass want to danse.

I almost forgot...the mere sight

2006-05-27T17:22:00.000-04:00

of Jean-Claude Van Dam in the movie "Universal Soldier" sent one of my room-mates and myself into hysterical uncontrollable laughter for a solid 10 minutes or so the other day. Thought I'd share that with the group.

"Crash" a review of sorts, not really, I guess

2006-05-27T16:53:00.000-04:00

I'm not so much into really reviewing movies or anything, so I'm not going to really do that here (I guess) but I did see "Crash" last weekend. It was good, not great, merely good, I thought. It was a good well rounded out cast (kind of sort of). See you got Don Cheadle (always solid, best performance in this movie in my opinion) Matt Dillon (nominated for an academy award for this film, a good performance, not as good as Cheadle's though) Ryan Phillipe (in my estimation an under-rated actor actually, plays a solid role) Terrance Howard (a fine new talent, good in everything I've seen him in) Thandie Newton (smoking, plays a formuleic angry black woman role, does well with it) Larenz Tate (awsome in "Menace 2 Society" holds his own) Jennifer Esposito? (she was great in that Michael J. Fox TV sitcom, just kidding, at least we get to see her boobs) Ludicrous?? (continuing to prove that rappers can't act) Brendan Fraiser??? (dude's why is "Encino Man" in this movie, maybe Paully Shore was busy) and finally SANDRA BULLOCK????????????

(scene in "Fight Club" where Ed Norton passes out on the hotel bed and can't really remember what was doing as Tyler Durden)

Fuck Sandra Bullock. She is terrible, always, without exception. She is the Nicholas Cage of actresses. No he didn't...YES I just went there, she's as bad an actress as Nic Cage. Name one movie that she's good in? See you can't do it. You know why? b/c it's fucking impossible. At one point in the movie she falls down the stairs and gets hurt, this was the actual highlight of the film for me. I was really hoping that her stunt double had the flu and missed work that day. Sadly her and her character were Ok at the end of the movie. I could have been more believalbe as a rich racist middle aged house wife than she was, unbelievable how some people still get work after shit like "Speed 2" and "Miss Congeniality" (now I've never seen these movies but there is no way she was good in them, refer to 4-5 sentences previous) or "Miss Congeniality 2" yeah, they made a fucking sequel to "Miss Congeniality".Things like "Miss Congeniality 2" make me hope that that massive earthquake will actually hit and drop L.A. into the pacific (not really, I don't want my west coast readers to die, I just really hate Sandra Bullock and the person who green lit "Miss Congeniality 2")...And FUCK, have you seen the fucking previews for that new fucking Sandra Bullock Keanu Reeves joint? This is true, I can't make shit like this up. Was the public really yearning to see an acting reunion with these two jackasses? My point is, if you pay money to see this new Bullock/Reeves flick I officially hate you.

Did Sandra Bullock ruin "Crash"? Only all of the parts when she was actually in the movie.

haven't posted in awhile, thought rising to the top, i'm not jerry seinfeld, you will be able to tell after this post

2006-05-25T18:49:00.000-04:00

...thank god that we have now removed that pesky holding onto the cell phone. I can just stick the shit in my ear now, brilliant. My arm really hurt before and I didn't scare as many people as I do now because they could see that I was on the phone. Now everyone thinks I'm crazy, like I'm talking to Jesus or something, and I love it. The only problem is that the ear phones are still kinda big, I can't wait until they make one that is so small that it gets lost in my ear and I have to have major ear type surgery.

...everyone who works at my local dry cleaning shop is Asian, yet the name of the store is Rita's Cleaners, I don't know any Asian people named Rita (I would have been a early 90's observational comic demi-god of sorts, women would have fed me grapes, fanned me down, and given me foot massages, we would have all worn togas)

...I really think I'm going to start a segment where I make fun of all of the State quarters. Color this the first installment then, Wisconsin...let me explain, the quarter has a picture of a cow, a cheese wheel, and an ear of corn!!!! Don't I KNOW! I mean, it'd be impossible to choose which one of those things that I'd want to fuck first! Fucking cows, fuuugettaboutit, I love when they go moooooo. Cheese Wheels! Hot, so many different hole options to choose from. An ear of corn! It gets me so excited I can barely type. One more suggestion for the Wisconsin state quarter, it would have fallen in line perfectly, a three-hundy-75-lb-woman eating a chilli dog and ice cream cone at the same time...heaven.

...I had some more shit, I forgot it though, possibly for the best, that bit about the cleaners fucking KILLED though...

Best thing I've heard this year

2006-05-15T21:29:00.000-04:00

"Arbuckle's Swan Song". Ambulance Ltd. strikes again.

The Noid

2006-05-14T13:44:00.000-04:00

snuggle bear, aunt jemima, and the pillsberry dough boy got into a four-way. Real disgusting action, very sick people's. There is now a web site dedicated to it though if you're in to that kind of thing, the address is www.thenoidsnugglebearauntjemimandthepillsberrydoughboygetiton.com.

DRUNK blog duex

2006-05-14T04:12:00.000-04:00

yeah, ummmmmm, ok, so, drunking blogging issss funning. So I talked to this chik from the Bronx? toonite, the Bronx? a single white chik? i read "Bonfire of the Vanities" a couple yrs bk, single ladies dont live near yankee stdium, anywhooooo, could be wrong, blame tom wolfe (if so) yeah yeah yeah (s) they re from the bronx correct? no? ohhhhh? from? brooklyn? right? yeah, yeah, yeah, hip____and stuff.

2 (peace) cougs

On Dansing, part second

2006-05-13T17:13:00.000-04:00

In On Dansing I went through my highly routined danse pattern that I engage in before I attempt to grind. I'm still going to abide by it but I'm going to try something new also, I think I'll put it closer to the end of the routine. I'm going to call it "The American Pie".

Basically I'll just walking around the danse floor pretending like I'm fucking a pie, like that dude did in that American Pie movie, but I'll talk shit to the pie while I'm pretending to fuck it. I'll say stuff like

"Oh yeah Pie, how you like that? That wasn't a rhetorical question, go ahead and answer."

and stuff like

"Damn Pie, you're kinda hot tonight. Did you just come out of the oven? You better not burn my penis."

also

"I see you got a little cinnamon mixed up in you Pie. I likes me some cinnamon."

finally

"OHHH shit, I just hit TIN, What What!"

editor's note: That wasn't too weird was it? I really think it'd be a good danse move.

Please allow me to level set

2006-05-13T10:37:00.000-04:00

Ok, here's the situation, my parents went away for a week's vacation, and they left the keys to the brand new Porsche, would they mind, hmmm, well, of course (not)

that was totally unrelated to this post but it was the first thing that popped into my head as started typing, Fresh Prince, you are truly a saint, on to the real "issue"

My buddy, let's call him "Cougar" (because this is the moniker that he deemed himself with about 7 or so years ago, meaning it is very pertinent info. for what I'm about to speak of, like, right now) well anyway "Cougar" always used to call himself "Cougar" and would semi-urge the rest of our group of friends to call him "Cougar", which we of course never would, because a. you can't give yourself a nickname, and b. it's a really fucking stupid name and I'm not going to call another grown human being "Cougar" unless there is solid logic (meaning a good reason) to call someone that...that's all changed.

I was drinking last night, as I tend to do on Fridays, and I was hanging out with a buddy of mine who made the brilliant connection b/wn our friend's attempt to nickname himself "Cougar" and the new hip urban slang "Cougar" for a woman mid-30's or older who is on the "prowl" (meaning wanting to, like, fuck) men of a certain younger age or demographic than that of theirselves.

Sooooo, we had an e-mail strain running this week with comments like...

"Hey "Cougar" before going out do you put glitter on your chest so 22 year old dudes will be hopefully notice and therefore be more attracted to you, so you can then lure them back to your den for acts of sexual deviance?"

Here's what is going to happen from now on (at least from my perspective and, like, actively on my part) I'm going to call "Cougar" "Cougar" and when someone asks me why I'm calling "Cougar" "Cougar" my standard response will run along the lines of something like this...

"Oh, his nickname is "Cougar". I don't know if you've ever heard of the new, well not really so new, but relatively new slang term "Cougar" which encompasses women of a certain age demographic 35+ or so out for a night on the town looking to kick it with some younger, how do I politely put this, dick. Yeah, well anyway, my buddy here "Cougar" is kinda like those chicks, he really like Asian males ages 19-25 years old."

Now this statement is of course untrue. The actual "Cougar" is a heterosexual dude who like, like's chicks, but it's really hard for me to relate to you guys the constant reminder that we got when talking to our buddy "Cougar" that we should call him "Cougar" which we never did, until now.

editor's note: Thanks Perret for bringing this to everyone's attention

David Foster Wallace, thoughts on David Lynch, "A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again" excerpt

2006-05-10T22:45:00.000-04:00

I saw "Mulholland Drive" on dvd four or so years ago. I had crazy vivid nightmares for three straight days after veiwing this movie. I can't really say that even understood what the fuck was going on in this movie but I was deeply psychologically affected. It wasn't really a bad dream category, they were full blown nightmares, I haven't experienced dreams like them since or probably before, at least not as intense. I can't really remember any specifics but I just remember waking up feeling extremely disturbed, partially freaked-out. I couldn't shake this disturbed feeling for at least the better part of the day, for three days straight.

I'm not a huge Lynch fan, I really liked "Twin Peaks" (TV show) but I think the rest of his stuff is just too psychologically, maybe, subconsciously intense for me, a bit TOO weird. Anyway Wallace wrote a great piece on Lynch and his films, it is definitely must read material for anyone who is a Lynch fanatic or even partially interested in Lynch's work. Wallace got to go on the set of "Lost Highway" for a couple of days and "David Lynch Keeps His Head" was the result. Anyway, Wallace has one passage where he is trying to describe things that are Lynchian, the following passage kind of hits the nail on the head, and it's quite hilarious...

"A domestic-type homicide, on the other hand, could fall on various points of Lynchianism. Some guy killing his wife in and of itself doesn't have much of a Lynchian tang to it, though if it turns out the guy killed his wife over something like a persistent failure to refill the ice-cube tray after taking the last ice cube or an obdurant refusal to buy the particular brand of peanut butter the guy was devoted to, the homicide could be described as having Lynchian elements. And if the guy, sitting over the mutilated corpse of his wife (whose retrograde '50s bouffant is, however, weirdly unmussed) with the first cops on the scene as they all wait for the boys from Homicide and the M.E.'s office, begins defending his actions by giving an involved analysis of the comparative merits of Jif and Skippy, and if the beat cops, however repelled by the carnage on the floor, have to admit that the guy's got a point, that if you've developed a sophisticated peanut-butter palate and that palate prefers Jif there's simply no way Skippy's going to be anything like an acceptable facsimile, and that a wife who fails repeatedly to grasp the importance of Jif is making some very significant and troubling statements about her empathy for and commitment to the sacrament of marriage as a bond between two bodies, minds, spirits, and palates...you get the idea."

editor's note: DFW goes on to make another good disturbing distinction b/wn Lynch and Tarantino (for the record I'm a pretty huge Tarantino fan, much more than Lynch, but this statement totally rings true, and is fucked up, but it rings true, at least to me). He says if Lynch would have filmed the infamous Mr. Blonde Resevoir Dogs scene that...

"Quentin Tarantino is interested in watching somebody's ear getting cut off; David Lynch is interested in the ear"...creepy

fake myspace profile (3)

2006-05-06T12:01:00.000-04:00

Johnny "JB" Ballon

"I love the smell of silicon in the morning"

male
35 yrs. old
Hollyweird, CA

latest blog entry: "Oprah is house sitting for me. She's got to water my plants, if that shit is a little bit brown when I get back I'll burn down the fucking Oxygen channel. I'm going to Aruba (again) sooooooooooo boring."

About me: Leo Dicaprio walks my dogs, they bit him once but I don't really give a fuck. Fucking actors, pathetic. Tara Reid is giving me a blowjob as I type, I know, slummin, sometimes you gots to do what you gots to do. I'm a fucking MOGUL bitches a fucking HOLLYWEIRD INSTITUTION, all bow, really, fucking bow right now. Tarantino detailed my car last week, this is how much people want to work with me. You know the term "People who know People" I'm those people. Harvey Weinstein just text messaged me, I fucked Linday Lohan last night (slummin, i know), I only drink Kabbalah water, Ashton Kusher is such a fucking loser, Demi Moore gave me a blow job (soooooo old), I have perscriptions for percocet, codeine, lithium, Oxycodeine, medical marijuana, valum, ritilan, zanax, and a bunch of other shit I can't really remember right now. I leave my house only on cloudy days (I hate the fucking sun, I can afford to do this, I have more money than most 3rd world countries), I live next door to Vince Vaughn,
Bill Gates does my taxes...

People I want to meet: More like people who want to meet me. The Pope, Salmund Rushdie, Mick Jagger, Heidi Klum, Nelson Mandela, Donald Trump, Bono, Fionna Apple, Paul Thomas Anderson, Russel Simmons, Jerry Seinfeld, Jay Leno, Paris Hilton, Nikki Hilton, Jessica Alba, J-Lo, you get the picture

General: I idolize Dennis Hopper's character Frank Booth from "Blue Velvet", we are kindred spirits. So I have Keifer Sutherland tote a portable laughing gas station around for me (who do you think got him that whole 24 gig). Kate Moss cleans my pool.

Music: I'm in a band with Trey Anastsio, Pharrel Williams, Brian Eno, and Phil Collins, very ecletic shit, waaaaaay over your heads. I dj as a hobby (so early 90's I'm really trying to quit)

Movies: Ummmmmm, yeah, "Da Hampsteer", "Survivor: The Movie", "Teen Wolf 3", "Golden (Shower) Girls", "Welcome Back Kotter: The Movie", "Banana Splits: Murder Cartel/Camp Friendship", and some others, I'm installing an Olympic sized pool in my drive-way.

TV: LOVE IT, genious stuff, so original, LOVE IT. This is where I get my inspiration, be looking for "Laguna Beach" the movie. I had a three-way with Kristen and LC.

Books: I found this pretty solid dude named Bubba something or other and he said books suck and are gay and shit, I couldn't agree more.

Heros: riiiiiiiiggggghhhhhhttttt

editor's note: This was my 200th post, thought I'd mention that...also this post was done in green, all JB and Don Hughes related posts are done in green...the color of $

I saw two rainbows fuck today

2006-05-04T22:56:00.000-04:00

They did it in front of everyone man, very kinky shit indeed. Right in the open for everyone to see. They did it doggy style. Even though it was in plain sight of everyone it wasn't really too exicting, actually it was pretty boring. No real spark. I think there may be relationship issues, I think they may even be cheating on one another. That being said, I did see an older woman faint (lie).

editor's note: Rainbows can't fuck, I just two rainbows, one behind the other.

May

2006-05-01T19:39:00.000-04:00

It's May. I changed the headline. It's from "Cheers". "Cheers" was funny. Sitcoms these days blow.

May? hum, it's like starting to get real hot and what-not. We have a day off later in the month. Yay (o). I don't really think I have to much more to say about May, oh wait, this Friday is Cinco de Mayo, great pointless "holiday". bottomsup.

Another Blog I want to seeeeeeee....

2006-04-29T10:09:00.000-04:00

1. Where exactly is the collective value add from the worldly population of squirrels, seriously, you dudes really need to bring something to the table or I'm going to start trying to run you motherfuckers over in my car.blogspot.com: Centered around the uselessness of squirrels. A typical post may look a little something like this..."Suprise, fucking suprise! On my way from work today I had to stop my car in the middle of the street for ten minutes because there was a squirrel dancing around in the middle of the street. This squirrel just looked like it ingested some serious hydrochloride methamphetamine, and because I didn't run him over I missed the first ten minutes of the O.C.! Son of a bitch! I bet Brandon got in fight and Marissa wasn't able to act well! Go eat a fucking acorn and stay out of the street asshole! That's it, fuck it, I'm buying a BB gun, not that pussy red rider daisey shit either, but a quadruple pump high powered air rifle that could easily be mistaken for an AK-47! I'm taking back the streets! A quick side note, I really hope the gang from the OC can all go to college near each other next year. I'm crossing my fingers and saying a nightly prayer. Amen.

On Dansing

2006-04-19T18:15:00.000-04:00

I like to try and bust a move or two (or many as I'll explain) when I've had a couple of drinks in me. Luckily I do have some rhythm so I don't look too stupid, unfortunatley this isn't the case for the majority of people, I'm thinking 80% or so here (can't fucking danse).

So since most people can't dance they resort to immediately trying to grind. Now I'm not advocating against grinding but if it's all you got that's a massive problem. Guys are obviously more guilty of this than are chicks, but some chicks who can't dance (girls can dance better than guys, a simple fact) also fall into the immediate grind which is actually a turn-off to me. I have a highly routined dance pattern that I strictly follow before actually engaging in any type of grinding, if and only if (unless she's bonkers hot) she can keep up then do I segue into grinding. Here's my strict dance floor routine always followed in this order.

Mick Jagger pout/strut/chicken walk, Michael Jackson zombies in "Thriller" video routine, the "Elaine" dance via "Seinfeld", The Conan O'Brien puppet dance, more Mick Jagger finger shake and lip pout, back to the Conan O'Brien puppet dance cut the string this time, Madonna "Like a Virgin" crawling on the danse floor, The Fred "ReRun" Berry, The "Rog", Jazz Hands, Robot, worm, MC Hammer, the little white girl in that Missy Elliott video who can danse danse, I next run the gammot of the Peanuts characters including, kid walking with arms straight out in front of him, kid shuffling feet and bobbing his head side to side, The "Snoopy", etc. I go through all of them, more Mick Jagger, The Flavor Flave, The Humpty Danse, The Macaraina, The Electric Slide, The John Travolta "Pulp Fiction" danse, The John Travolta "Saturday Night Fever" routine, the Ted Striker in "Airplane" mock-Travolta in "Saturday Night Fever" danse (no fucking arms on the floor kick too), River danse, the Kevin Bacon in "Footloose", The Monster Mash, The Mashpotato, The Swim, The Club MTV (the version with "Downtown" July Brown not Eric Neis), Jagger, the Carmen Electra (or any stripper/chick who when to, I don't know let's say...FSU) booty shake, moshpiting, "Boogie Nights", the Jimmy Fallon/skinny chick who dated Jack and was in "Twin Peaks" Pepsi commerical, The Michael Jackson crotch grab and yell which equates into glass shattering, head spin, the member of any rapper's it truly doesn't matter which one's entourage danse which consists of lazily bobbing side to side pouring Cristol on people, the Bono (drop to knees and pretend I'm being crusified), robot, jazz hands, hammer, robot, jazz hands, hammer, hammer, hammer, robot, end with Mick...

then i g r i n d...........................................

iTunes playlist (11): The New Pornographers

2006-04-18T20:25:00.000-04:00

"Execution Day" m4a. Dig it.

Fake myspace profile (2)

2006-04-16T14:10:00.000-04:00

Leland "Bubba" Powell

Male
27 years old
Athens, Georgia

"Bubba's" last blog entry: Thursday night's band party___Man was there ever some sweet pussy at the David Allen Coe concert here at Sigma Alpha Epsilon the other night. I got to fucking drunk to hook up though, my frat bro's told me I fucking yelled out Free Bird then vomited all over this Kappa Kappa Gamma then I passed out in my vomit. Serves that stupid bitch right for standing so close to me when I yell out Free Bird. That's just Bubba being Bubba, it is what it is.

About me: I'm Leland Powell but my frat bro's and people in the know here at the University of Georgia call me Bubba. I'm just a good ole, fun lovin country boy from Buckhead Georgia. I'm in the best frat on campus here at UGA, we get so much pussy you wouldn't even believe me if I told you how much pussy we get, that's how much pussy we get. We get so fucked up every night, it's just fucking sick man, you fucking would call me a liar if I told you how much I could drink, that's just how fuckin ole country boy Bubba does it man. I once got so drunk I tried to fuck my extended cab Ford F-150 with the Yosemite Sam mud flaps, I got them mud flaps for muddin, I love me some muddin...muddin, pussy, and gettin fucked up. That's ole Bubba for ya'll in a nutshell.

Who I'd like to meet: George Dubbya fucking Bush!!! Fuck yeah, fuck all them communists and terrorists and all people not Protestant and white. Fuck em, me and Dubbya could fuckin kick all their asses our selves. Larry the Cable guy, man ya'll see that movie of his just came out not too long ago? Fuck man, that shit was hilarious, that time when Larry farted, shit that was funny, when he was picking his nose, fuckin funny, when he was talkin to that girl with them big ole titties, boy that was fuckin funny to. Me and Larry man, if we ever hung out together, fuckin forget about it man, we'd probably polish off a handle of Beam a piece stroll over to Theta and fuck all them girls in that house.

Bubba's interests: muddin, pussy, gettin fucked up, ryphenol, cocaine, jim beam, wild turkey, huntin, the fuckin UGA Bulldawgs...GO DAWGS SIC EM, fucking woof woof woof woof motherfuckers, Ford F-150's, tree stands, camoflauge hats, crookies, makin racial slurs, gettin FUCKED UP, fightin in bars, pukin in bars, gettin some PUSSY!

Music: David Allen Coe, Toby Keith! that's one hard mother fucker right there, me and Toby would kick the fuck out of you pussy's, anything fuckin country man, like I mentioned I'm just a good ole country boy from Buckhead.

Movies: Shit man I like me some funny movies, I don't want to be seein none of that weird pussy artsy shit, give me Larry the cable guy over that gay shit any day. Birth of a Nation.

Television: I got me a sweet ass plasma screen TV that paw got me for my birthday (his company's recent merger was a big ole hit, I think the stock is about to split, don't tell em you heard it here though) I like to watch fuckin FOOTBALL man, that's about fuckin it man, I especially love that Fox NFL game day show with my boys Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long, Jimmy Johnson and that colored fellow, man are those boys funny.

Books: Like I fuckin read, readin is for fuckin pussies. I'm always too fucked up to fuckin read. Like I'm goin to stay in and read when I could go to the Alpha Delta Pi social in Savannah and fuck some stupid sorostitute.

Hero's: W, Toby Keith, Larry the Cable Guy, my frat bros, that's about it, eveyone else can fuck themselves.

Bubba's school's:

College: University of Georgia; Athens, Georgia; current student; years attended 1997-present; undergraduate

High School: Lovett Academy; Atlanta, Georgia; 1993-1997

Dooooods

2006-04-15T10:54:00.000-04:00

There was a like pencil next to my comments section last night. Did anyone else see this on their blogs? I'm not hallucinating, I distinctly remember seeing this. Someone back me up here. Anyway, saw Neko Case last night, phenominal voice. It got me to thinking about art and shit too, sooooo all-in-all a very well spent 25 bones. I don't really want to wax bullshit philosophical (but unfortunately I think I'm about to) but the show was actually kind of inspirational to a point. It really got me thinking about creating art in general whether it be film, music, writing, (dare I say blogging?) etc. I really think people create art to get recognized for it, and that's ok, nothing wrong with that, we live in a capitalist society (thank god). I just think (for me at least) the stronger allure of dicking around on this blog or writing a screenplay or what have you, is to please myself (lshismp, i luv to pls myslf ;) No bullshit, my fucking rambling point is everyone should be more selfish, for serious, in art and life in general. This is the last time, you'll see a post like this here, because I don't normally like getting into territory like this, but I just thought for some reason today I should say this.

editor's note: "I'm not crazy" quote from chick in Scary Movie who runs away with her hands over her head

editor's note (2): Tom Cruise is gay

I don't care

2006-04-14T20:19:00.000-04:00

what anyone says...I like the pencil, it adds some much needed color, and unncesarriyness to the whole bloggerspotdom.

editor's note: Fuck the haters blogger, pencils are sooooooo IN

They (Ween) didn't play this

2006-04-11T22:01:00.000-04:00

"Pandy Fackler", my favorite song by them. They did however play many other crowd pleasers like "Pissin up a Rope", "Spinal Meningitis (Got Me Down)", "The HIV Song" and many more. I can now officially reserve that spot in Hell.

Family Guy Flashbacks

2006-04-08T15:27:00.000-04:00

Family Guy is a hilarous show. I don't know if anyone saw this week's episode of South Park (an equally brilliant show) but they totally ripped on the Family Guy. Matt and Trey (we all summer together...the Hamptons) are entitled to their own opinion but I just happen to disagree with them. One of the things that they ripped on was the fact of the constant use of flashback in Family Guy. I must admit, that I at first found this to be a bit annoying as well, but the overiding humor factor finally won me over. It won me over so much that I actually came up with my own flashback sequence. Seth (drinking buddies) if you're reading this feel free to use it anytime.

Peter Griffin: That reminds me of the time when we watched those "Top Gun" outtakes...flashback

Tom Skeritt: I don't want to sit here and blow sunshine up your ass
Tom Cruise: Do what? No, go ahead man that sounds cool. I'm really ok with you blowing sunshine up my ass.
Tony Scott (director): Cut, cut! Tom, come on man can we just get through this?
Tom Cruise: I know it's only part of the script, but I just think it's a good idea. I mean I wouldn't really mind at all. In fact I really think I might enjoy it.
Tom Skeritt: I going to my fucking trailor Tony!
Tom Cruise: Wait, Tom. You don't necessarily have to do it. Unless you want to. Do you want to?
Mimi Rodgers (Tom Cruise's wife/possible ex-wife around the time of Top Gun filming): I told you guys. Dude is gay.
Tom Cruise: What? Me? Whatever, I'm outta here. I'm headed over to Richard Gere's place.

editor's note: Tom Cruise is gay. Family Guy is funny.

8th and Ocean

2006-04-04T22:34:00.000-04:00

MTV corporate offices...Location: Hell

Satan: See, here's what I want, give me a Laguna Beach type show, but I really want to dumb it down. Is this at all possible?

Executive #1: Consider it done.

editor's note: 8th and Ocean is so wrong it's right.

iTunes playlist (10): The Sea and Cake

2006-04-03T19:09:00.000-04:00

I would recommend downloading "sporting life" (mp3) from the sea and cake. This song is the shit. March Madness comes to a screeching halt tonight, damn did my picks suck this year. Hopefully tonight's game will be better than the Saturday games. My inclination would be to pick Florida (-1), so if you read this bet the fucking house on UCLA.

APRIL: Ween, Charlie Sheen and Neko Case

2006-04-02T14:22:00.000-04:00

Hi all. It's April, and you guys should know what that means by now, change the headline. That quote from Chuck Sheen is the comic highlight of "Being John Malkovich", a spectacular film in its own right. I'm going to see WEEN on April 10th and I'm pumped. I've never got the chance to see them live, but I've heard they are amazing. Neko Case follows that up on April 14th, her new album is stellar and I've also heard much good about her live show. Anyway, read the headline...and...laugh.

Drunk Blog

2006-04-02T01:14:00.000-05:00

It's fucking April. I thought of thinking up some elaborate joke (April foolssytle) but I really din't have it in me, disappointig...anyhow if I had come up with some bullshit it would have been consistent with the whole program I try to run hear (lshimsp...). Anyway the main reason I wanted to blog was b/c of the album cover of "Rubber Soul" I won't tell you guys why but check it out for yourselves. When I look at it I reaize the John Lennnnnnnnnooooonnnnn is the most important figure of the last 100 or soooooo years, and he always knew it...

Thoughts occuring to me at Moe's

2006-03-30T19:08:00.000-05:00

Why wasn't I welcomed to Moe's? I know it's an annoying arbitrary yet mandatory greeting that is supposed to make patrons feel more at home (I guess?)...but, do I like have to leave now? How does this work?

The Moe's menu is a bit confusing. I see multiple menu references to the popular sitcoms "Friends" and "Seinfeld" but I also see some a Monica Lewinsky reference thrown in? My first question is why aren't there any other Thursday night NBC must see TV themed burritos or nachos or what have you? Are the "Seinfeld" and "Friends" menu choices based solely on ratings? If so why no "Family Ties" or "Cheers" or "Cosby Show", I would eat the fuck out of a Cliff Huxtable quesadilla (Cliff quesadilla, it almost rhymes). I wonder if NBC could pull off a successful lawsuit against Moe's?

Monica Lewinsky? Why jump from NBC must see TV to famous presidential adulteresses? I definitely want some Marilyn Monroe Nachos (totally rhymes). I then think to myself what if Must See TV and presidential adultery never existed? Would there even be a Moe's??? If not, presumabley then the world cease to exist, it would implode on the spot.

I wonder how old the girl four places in front of me is? Ogelthorpe University is very close. Stop thinking about this (17-19).

The last three people have been welcomed to Moe's, I seem to be the only one who hasn't been welcomed. Does this mean that when I get ready to place my order that some type of security detail consisting of a guy dressed in a large fake burrito costume with a huge Mariachi hat on and a chick who resembles Monica Lewinsky will usher me out of the establishment burrito-less?

Disaster averted. I really would like more than eight chips. It would be nice also if the chips were all of the same color. I don't understand red and purple chips. Stop thinking about this. Immediately.

Moe's hot sauce is famous. I am informed this when I am pouring some into a plastic ramican. When I think of things that are famous my mind doesn't usually drift towards Moe's hot sauce, I tend to linger on oh, I don't know, let's say Paris Hilton or something. Maybe like the secret formula for Coca-Cola is famous, but Moe's hot sauce?

Moe's also seems to know a bunch of shit. I wonder if Bo Jackson or the Nike corporation could pull off a successful lawsuit against Moe's?

There are two empty tables where people have left their trash scattered all over the place and haven't picked it up. This is, frankly, unacceptable behavior.

I'm leaving. Next to Moe's is an Original House of Pancakes. Why do all pancake themed chain establishments make themselves so easily accesable to ridicule based upon their names? (IHOP has obviously been covered by many a stand-up) It is physically impossible for the Original House of Pancakes next to Moe's to be the original Original House of Pancakes...well I guess it could be, but then it's the only one, making the rest of the Original House of Pancakes poorly named. This is, frankly, unacceptable.

A break...of sorts

2006-03-28T23:01:00.000-05:00

I've been on a break, of sorts. I'll be back. I have a bunch of cool shit in the hopper, us here (us consisting of me+voices in my head) at cultgoespop just decided we needed a break...of sorts. Quick preview. Already thought of my Halloween costume (going as a hipster, sorry you can't steal that) I'll expound on this more, I got other shit too, plus an awesome Chuck Sheen quote for April. Just wanted to let everyone know I have definitely not thrown in the towel. See blogging is like crack (not that I've ever done crack) how about another analogy, blogging is like an endless box of somoas (have got to be more addictive than crack...damn you girl scouts!) and I will never ever fucking stop. Just wanted to give everyone a heads up. Cool. Be back with more in early April.

iTunes playlist (9): The Stills

2006-03-18T18:01:00.000-05:00

Download "Fevered" (m4a) by The Stills. Yet another kick ass band from Canada. They have a new album coming out in May I think. They have some info at myspace (ever heard of it) so look it up yourselves. Anywho, this song rawks, just like all the songs on the iTunes playlist. Also, St. Patty's day is officially one of my favorite holidays, a holiday centered around drinking, what's not to love?

Fake myspace profile (1): If this goes well it could be a recurring post

2006-03-14T19:36:00.000-05:00

Sarah
Female
18 years old
Fort Worth, Texas

"He died for our sins"

Sarah's latest blog entry: "Mel Gibson"...I really think "The Passion of the Christ" is an accurate depiction of the last hours of our lord and savior. It's not hypocritical that Mel made a boat load of money, Jesus wants it that way.

Sarah's blurbs:
About me: I'm just a normal down to earth girl, go Texas! I like to hang around with my friends, go to high school football games, volunteer at church, pray at church, judge people, and rollerskate. Catholics are yucky! Go team Baptist!

Who I'd like to meet: Billy Graham, Tammy Faye Baker, God, Jesus...but not Moses.

Sarah's Interests:
General: The Blue Collar Comedy Tour, singing in the choir, apple pie and vanilla ice cream, The upcoming firey rapture that will lead all the ungodless pagan sinners to their firey beds in the 8th circle of Hell!, my dog Rusty.

Music: Creed, FM 104.1 The Fish a local Fort Worth station with my favorite morning dj Randy "my god is your god, your god is my god, unless you're of a different skin pigmentation" Smith.

Movies: "The Passion", I've seen it 472 times.

Television: I don't watch it. Grandma says people who watch reality TV are going to Hell. I'd have to say I agree.

Books: The Bible (New Testament obviously)

Heros: Kirk Cameron

A Don Hughes/Johnny Ballon movie pitch (#7)

2006-03-11T11:00:00.000-05:00

DH: So we've been quite for awhile, that's what happens when you get falsley accused of murder. JB: The risk you take to hang out with The Juice
DH: Yeah, it pretty much comes with the territory
JB: Plus we really need to get back to work. I've been wearing a Dashiki for the past two months. Also, watching Tara Reid fall down a flight of stairs is funny about the first 20 or so times, but then it just gets kind of sad, in a funny way.
DH: Totally agree. And who's better than us at providing original, inspiring cinematic experiences? No one, "Survivor: The Movie" grossed almost a billion in worldwide box office. Just too bad what happened to Shelley Long. Who am I kidding, that was the highlight of the movie.
JB: Yeah, I really didn't think Corey Haim would be able to actually eat her entire torso, but when Corey Feldman's calling him a pussy, what can I say? Cinematic history.
DH: We were a bit disappointed that "Da Hamsteer" lost best actor to Phillip Seymor Hoffman, but it was probably for the best because Johnny accidentally sat on and killed him through the half way point of the show.
JB: Ha-HaaaHaaa, that's right, I totally killed "Da Hampsteer" at the Oscars. Totally forgot about that. It was kind of akward though when they went for the other actors reactions.
DH: Yeah, "Da Hampsteer" was very stoic in defeat.
(crazy simulataneous laughter, lasting about a minute)
JB: Anyway, that's enough of a re-cap let's get onto magic time. That's box office magic time, like houdini, covering the magic part, box office with people paying money, and time consisting of watches and clocks.
DH: Right there with you. Uplifting sports movie. BAM, I bet you're getting a tear right now, a little tug at the heart string.
JB: OH YEAH! Take a bunch of underdogs and drunk mentor type I'm thinking a Dennis Hopper or Gene Hackman here. Throw in some obstacles, include a season of sorts, have a montage where the loveable underdogs are terrible at the sport and then get drastically better in about a minute or two. Have some comic relief type managers/friends who get some of the players into crazy hijinks. Throw in an unsure love interest for the coach/mentor, it's either her or the bottle. Sprinkle in some inherent racial tension between the team-mates to be overcome by a bonding experience when one the different raced players help each other when confronted with a true racist-type situation, leading to a bonding between the two players that leads into a scene in the championship game where they have to pass the ball to one another to complete a totally important play, thus refering back to an earlier point in the movie where they didn't work together because of racial tension. Add an important team member getting serioulsy ill half-way through the season, we'll give him cancer or something. He'll listen to the championship game on the radio in his hospital and jump around and cheer when the team makes the big play, the hospital staff will shake their heads in disbelief and recognition, maybe toss in some nurses high-fiving in the hallway to show the audience their support for cancer-vicitm dude and the team at large. Have physically under-sized guy who filled in for cancer-victim guy make a HUGE play in the game which spurs on the team to victory. Make sure we have asshole parents who initially disagree with the loose-cannon coaching methodologies of the recovering drunk coach. These parents will be appeased by film's end after the team wins the big game. In the big game the team needs to initailly be down by a bunch of points only to make a drastic come-back. They make the comeback because of, well shit, I'm a bit lost here, how do they make the comeback, hmmmmm, any ideas?
DH: TEEN WOLF!!! Fucking TEEN WOLF 3!!!
JB: FUCK YES!!! Best idea ever!!!!!
DH: Oh my god, this is going to be fucking huge!
JB: No shit man, who doesn't watch sports? Everyone has seen sports before!
DH: Even if they don't like sports, who doesn't like TEEN WOLF?
JB: No body doesn't not like TEEN WOLF, it's a fucking statistical improbability to not not like TEEN WOLF. We'll have a bunch of teen sex too. Everyone likes teen sex.
DH: Perfect. I'm thinking Frankie Muniz can play TEEN WOLF.
JB: My thoughts exactely.
DH: You were in the zone there for awhile Johhny-boy, that trepanation is really paying off.
JB: My thoughts exactely.

MY HERO!!!

2006-03-09T22:12:00.000-05:00

editor's note: LSHISMP

What the fuck is going on?

2006-03-09T19:20:00.000-05:00

When I like, try to view my like blog, I can't like see it. The screen is like, grey and stuff. Can other people view my blog with the content intact, or is anyone else having this problem? If anyone can view my blog please let me know, just leave a comment it goes to my e-mail. If no one can view my blog you guys aren't able to read this then, in that case...fuck Santa Claus, spreading his commercialism to the masses, forcing me to buy shit for others that I can't afford and they don't need. I wish we could all leave behind our material possesions, move to the midwest, and live off sunshine, berries, and heroine.

iTunes playlist (8): Blur

2006-03-08T18:29:00.000-05:00

I told you guys I'd post "Entertain Me" by Blur and there it is (read Blur retrospective post) in everybody's favorite recurring weekly post, my iTunes playlist (I made that up, I don't know if people like it or not). The dude in the glasses isn't in the band anymore (guitarist Graham Coxon). That's about all the information that anyone needs to really know. Oh, yeah, it's an m4a. Let me see if I think of anything amusing while writing? Nope, fresh out of ideas. Just like I have been for the last two or so months (OoOoHHHHhhhhh snap!!! I just fucking showed myself what's up).

Very Interesting

2006-03-06T21:42:00.000-05:00

According to wikipedia, director John Hughes refused to release a soundtrack album for "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" because he feared that the eclectic collection of songs in the movie would not work well together. Here's a track listing had there been a soundtrack...

1. "Love Missile F1-11" (Extended Version) by Sigue Sigue Sputnik
2. "Jeannie" (theme from I Dream of Jeanie)
3. "Beat City" by the Flowerpot Men
4. "Star Wars" main theme by John Williams
5. "Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want" (instrumental) by the Dream Academy (a cover of a song by The Smiths)
6. "Danke Schoen" by Wayne Newton
7. "Twist and Shout" by The Beatles (which charted again 16 years after the Beatles broke up, as a result of its appearance in this movie)
8. "Radio People" by Zapp
9. "I'm Afraid" by Blue Room
10. "Taking the day Off" by General Public
11. "The Edge of Forever" by The Dream Academy
12. "March of the Swivelheads" by the English Beat
13. "Oh Yeah" by Yellow
14. "BAD" by Big Audio Dynamite

Pretty interesting stuff considering John Hughes is sometimes credited with popularizing soundtrack sales from his earlier 80's film work. Weird selection indeed but hipsters around the world over would probably cut off an arm to get this, at least a finger.

editor's note: I'm not really happy that I know this but, "Please Please Please..." by The Smiths is featured in another John Hughes film. Can anyone else name the movie and scene?

BLUR, a retrospective

2006-03-05T18:00:00.000-05:00

Ok fuck it, I won't put up a stupid fucking picture (this rambling is more for my sake not yours, blogger doesn't want to let me put up a picture right at this moment, so fuck it, I won't put up a stupid fucking picture).

If someone asked me what my favorite band is I would probably tell them either U2 or Talking Heads. When I actually stop and think about this question though the actual answer should probably be Blur. I compiled a favorite 100 songs list some months back and Blur had six entries, the highest number from any band on the countdown. I'm going to put up a song from each of Blur's albums right now in m4a format (Kaplan) so you can download them if you please (I'm actually going to skip Leisure their first album, b/c I can't find it in my iTunes folder, so it's getting skipped, just to let you know I would have probably put up "There's No Other Way" but everyone has probably already heard that song before, so no skin off my back, that's a stupid saying). Blur are a criminally under-rated band, that's a heads up, if you download and listen to these tunes you'll see what I'm saying, enjoy...

"Oily Water": Modern Life is Rubbish
"Trouble in the Message Center": Parklife
"Yuko & Hiro": The Great Escape (I wanted to send "Entertain Me" but I clicked this by accident, I'm having issues today, this is still a good song, just know that it's not as good as "Entertain Me", maybe I'll post that at a later time, this whole thing is taking me a long time and I want to watch Oscars tonight)
"Death of a Party": Blur
"Caramel": 13 (my favorite Blur album, a top 5 all-time favorite album actually)
"Ambulance": Think Tank

Listen up

2006-03-02T18:11:00.000-05:00

I went ahead and spent the extra .39 cent for the up-size on my fry OK. That means I would actually like the large fry to contain more fry than the small or medium fry options, this is why I paid the extra .39 cent. I know I'm not overweight (this is because of a lethal combination of stress, methamphetamine hydrochloride, and a now discontinued early 90's Paula Abdul work out video tape) but that doesn't mean I want less fry than the small fry or medium fry option, as mentioned before I paid an extra .39 cent for the up-size fry option. If you want to short change me on anything go ahead and give me a medium soda, then I won't really give a fuck, even though I spent an x-tra .39 cent for that as well. Thanks, and oh yeah, one more thing, please fucking ban kids from all of your establishments, kids of all genre (encompassing ages 0-17).

editor's note: more to come on why kids of all genres suck, listen people, just stop having them that's all im askin, tbc...

March fuckers

2006-03-01T20:54:00.000-05:00

Meaning that it's time to change to header. Cool song by new music obsession (for me at least) Built to Spill, download "Center of the Universe" (m4a), and I like that there particular lyric so up it goes. March is a great month, completely under-rated, actually it's maybe my favorite month. Usually I go to Vegas every March (cancelled this year due to new job) but the first two weekends of March Madness are, hands down, the most exciting time on the sports calendar...can't wait.

editor's note: When I was doing spell check just now the suggested replacement for fuckers was puckers, that's a new one for me, I'm going to see if it suggests it again, hold on a sec...yeah it did, I forget what the old common replacement suggestion was. I don't recall it being puckers.

shop post work

2006-02-28T19:38:00.000-05:00

I am a heavy proponent of the shopping after working. I must go on more of a daily basis, but there a couple of reasons that I don't really mind. Reason 1, I waste less food, no weird smells coming from the fridge b/c of that jar of mayo that I bought nine months ago and masturbated into six months ago when I decided it was a good idea to drink a bottle of wild turkey before I go hunting wild turkey (totally kidding, mayo sucks, I'd never buy it) yet my drift is caught, this saves money and is very eco-friendly in the fact that we just don't throw away food provided to us by mother earth (I joined up with a militant wing of forward thinking eco-terrorist cult recently, they make me shop everyday after work, and I have to worship Gary Busy, could be worse). Reason 2, man are there some smoking chicks who also shop post work on a semi-daily basis. The Kroger I shop at just needs a shot girl running around and I'd be good to go, fucking solid talent. The only real problem I have is that I can't really cook, and chicks dig dudes who can cook. I can either take a cooking class and learn how to cook (logical decision) or just lie my ass off and say something like, "Oh yeah, I'm really into fusion cooking. You mean to tell me you've never had Lucky Charms and chicken fingers? It's HUGE in Europe." Anyway on to some possible grocery store pick lines I'm kicking around in my head...

1. "Do you know where the salad dressing is? Aisle 6? Cool, thanks, you wanna fuck?"
2. "Oh yeah, I'm buying this water to send to our troops overseas and for some local homeless neighborhood puppies. Are you interested in giving me a handjob?"
3. "So what! I like Fresca! It is NOT as gay as Tab!" (sorry not really a pickup line, more of a daily occurrence)
4. "Did you know that shrimp are an aphrodisiac? Yeah, you're right, they aren't but they don't have any fucking oysters in stock, work with me here."
5. "Bunch of hot tail running around don't you think so? Anyway how about you go round up some of the other uber-hotties prancing around, I'll go buy 200 or so pounds of jello, we'll all take it back to my crib (urban for house) where I have an above ground pool, fill that motherfucker up, meanwhile you ladies can get all naked and lezzz out while I videotape. Don't worry I got some tunes back at the crib, but do you mind spotting me for some booze?"

iTunes playlist (7): Ulrich Schauss

2006-02-27T19:17:00.000-05:00

Check this shit. "In All The Wrong Places" (m4a). Oh yeah, I just my interwebbing going on in the new pad, so hopefully that'll lead to some more frequent updates. No promises (still crazy busy) yet I should be able to do a better job than the last couple of weeks. This song really takes off at about the 3 minute mark, so keep listening if initially bored. werd.

Things that have happened to me since I started listening to The Shins (aka, how The Shins have changed my life)

2006-02-19T10:45:00.000-05:00

1. Got herpes.
2. Befriended a volleyball, which in turn made me lose all of my previously existing friends. Now most of the time we just hang out, just the two of us, me and Wilson. Wilson's not very talkative, but a great listener, so it's cool I guess. I know what you guys are thinking, and NO I don't fill him full of air on a regular basis, you sick bastards.
3. Got a very rare strain of the Avian Bird Flu, which made me think I was an actual bird, which leads me to point 4.
4. Tried to "fly" off the roof at a local Burger King. Apparently I got on the roof to protect my eggs and when local authorities tried to talk me down I was reported to saw, "Caaawww, Caaaaawwwwww, CAAAAWWAWAW, Caaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwww, CCCAAAWWW, CCCAAAWWW!!!" right before jumping off the roof because of afore mentioned incident.
5. Broke my leg and arm and a couple of ribs.
6. Had my car stolen.
7. Had my home broken into.
8. Got struck by lightning.
9. Wilson forced me to watch a Real World/Road Rules Gauntlet Challenge marathon...at gunpoint. Wilson gets so pissy if it doesn't get it's eight hours.
10. Had to sit next to Howie Mandell on Marta (Atlanta's public transportation system) for TWO stops. Almost killed myself.
11. Got two restraining orders. First, I can't come within a thousand feet of Natalie Portman, second, I can't come within twenty-five feet of Zach Braff.
12. Spilled a soda on my pants after I just got them back from the dry-cleaners. I fucking hate when that happens...

But you know what guys? None of that other stuff really matters, b/c I now have The Shins and an inanimate volleyball who totally "gets me".

iTunes playlist (6): My Bloody Valentine

2006-02-18T20:52:00.000-05:00

A bit late this week, but better late than never. This would have been nicely themed if I would have done it Tuesday. "When You Sleep" (m4a). They actually killed themselves after this picture was taken.

I usually don't like

2006-02-18T16:46:00.000-05:00

when I'm reading a book and the author has a character say something like, "You know Jimmy, there are two types of people in the world...". I will list the two reasons I don't like this. Reason 1 is because it's a lazy literary device used by the author so they can later in the book refer to as another character as either one of the two types of people. Way too much telling, not enough showing...and for those of us who have ever taken a intro to fiction class know, that is a bad thing. Reason 2, because statements like that, meaning two categories for people, are total bullshit. You can't group people into a broad category because we all have unique characteristics, like snowflakes if you will (did you guys notice how I just used a tired cliche to convey info? anyway, moving on).

I've always thought Reason 2 was rock solid. I realized today the error of my ways. I was buying my mom a belt for her birthday today, I was at the food court at Lennox mall when it hit me...there are in fact two types of people walking around, I've been wrong all of these years! On to the two types of people...

Type #1: People who actually think Nicholas Cage can act.

Type #2: People who even when thinking momentarily about Nicholas Cage's acting skills throw up a little bit in their own mouths.

I would personally fall into category #2. Sure, Nic Cage was good in Raising Arizona but guess what (also, I bring this point up only to cut off the commenter who says, "Whatever dude, he was good in Raising Arizona), that movie is like 20 fucking years old and that's his only good one, end of story. So, what type of person are you?

Corporate Job post (the first post of many today, but the only one about my job)

2006-02-18T16:17:00.000-05:00

I started work three weeks ago for a large corporation. Some people like to refer to it as the "Big Blue" (I'm very paranoid so I won't name it by name, but that information should pretty much sum things up, I really don't want to get dueced). I am in training right now (I will be for about 9 more weeks) and extremely happy with my decision. I will be in sales, not sure of the position at this moment in time. For those who don't know me all that well, I went to back to film school for the past three years and now my career will center around technology and business innovation. As you all can see these two career paths are very divergent, but I'm not spring chicken and I really want to start a stable career and this opportunity was too good for me to pass up at this point in time of my life. I am very happy with the decision I made. As for the film stuff, my favorite thing to do was write screenplays anyway, so I can still continue to do that on the side. Everyone cool with the corporate job post? Well if not, too bad b/c this is the first and last time work will ever be mentioned of this blog. If you'd like to further discuss any goals and aspirations I have please contact me by e-mail and I'll be happy to get back to you, but no more on this blog.

Funny...

2006-02-10T22:11:00.000-05:00

I just found out today that I'll be missing my 10 year hs reunion b/c it's the same weekend as bonnaroo. I was looking forward to the reunion, I wanted to see who has gotten fat, who has a fat wife, any possible late bloomer single horny chicks, etc. The ultimate decision is really easy though, it's bonnaroo in a landslide, this may be the last year (I haven't been before, and live only about three or so hours away) and I'm going in an RV so as not to intermingle with too many dirty hippies...oh yeah, also radiohead is the headliner...fucking awesome, they are phenomenal live. Cool, also, sorry this blog kinda sucks now, real busy.

iTunes playlist (5): Interpol

2006-02-09T07:06:00.000-05:00

Public Pervert remix (mp3). These fuckers look extra pale in this pic.

iTunes playlist (4): Beck

2006-02-01T19:32:00.000-05:00

I was going to go in alphabetical order (artist wise) for this, but I just threw that out the window. Don't fret though, Beck is still close to the front of the alphabet. "Hollywood Freaks"
(mp3) right there on that link. Click it.

Februraryyyyyy

2006-02-01T19:00:00.000-05:00

Change the header time. I didn't forget. It's exactly how I feel every fucking time I open a fucking cd (yes, I still buy cd's). Genius stuff.

editor's note: Don't bother to leave the comment..."well then you shouldn't buy cd's asshole", I still enjoy buying cd's, I have an unlimited budget of sorts to support this almost outdated habit. This editor's note doesn't matter b/c I know I'll still get that comment.

R.I.P (I'm being overly dramatic)

2006-01-29T14:05:00.000-05:00

The beginning of the end. Tomorrow I start an actual, real, jobby job type job. I finished up my second tour o duty in school this past December. Anyway, the point is I'll now have less time to dedicate to the ole blog here. I know it's a dark day, but there is no need to cry, I'm definitely not giving up on the whole blog thing, I just think the posting will be much more infrequent (maybe not, but probably so, I'll do at least one post a week, that post being the iTunes playlist on either Wednesday or Thursday, and I'll try to get at least one more a week). Just a heads up, thanks for reading and continued less infrequent future reading. Oh yeah, one more thing, everything that I've posted has been factually accurate and I'll continue that trend in the future, you all deserve the best.

editor's note: Later...

The CGP interview #5, "Bill Cosby"

2006-01-27T12:15:00.000-05:00

CGP: Coz, thanks for being here today, it's an honor.
The Coz: Thank you.
CGP: I'm half-joking, we've had Jack on so this is actually a decided step down. First off, Fat Albert, quite a mean nickname to give to a struggling overweight inner city youth, don't you think? Did you ever think of trying something like "Big-boned" "Al", because let's face it, calling the kid Albert is worse than saying he's fat, totally lame name.
The Coz: What?
CGP: The name Albert, just not cool. Moving on, the whole gang seemed to have very big lips, this character trait could be viewed as racially insensitive especially in today's politically correct climate. So I'll give you your say, was this racially motivated in any way? Or was the gang just ahead of the curve and hip to Botox before anyone else? The smart answer here is Botox.
The Coz: Are you crazy?
CGP: Dodging the hard questions, huh? Moving on. Do you have Lisa Bonet's phone number?
The Coz: No, but I can give you Tempest Bledsoe's number.
CGP: What? The only reason I had you on was to get her number! Shit! I guess I'll have to try to stalk here by more conventional methods, you know, like myspace. Ok, moving on...again, who would win in a fight between Webster and Gary Coleman?
The Coz: You are crazy!
CGP: Wrong answer, Gary Coleman, he's much bigger and he's a security guard. I doubt they give him a gun, but I'm sure he's got a nightstick. Moving on, who greenlit Leonard Part 6 and where are the missing 1-5 Leonard movies? You can either answer that or this, are you personally sorry for Ghost Dad? Last year alone there were over 1,000 Ghost Dad related suicides in this state alone.
The Coz: I've publicly apologized for Ghost Dad numerous times, we have a web site also www.pleasedontkillyourselfbecauseofghostdad.com
CGP: Who's idea was it to let Michael Jackson host "Kids Say The Darndest Things" when you were out with the flu? Presumably the same dude who gives LP6 and GD the thumbs up?
The Coz: In hindsight, a very bad idea, and yes, it was the same person we have a web site www.settlementforkidssaythedarndestthingsguesthostedbyMichaelJacksontheepisodethatneveraired.com
CGP: One last question, exactly what percent of your soul is owned by the Jello pudding folks?
The Coz: 63%

iTunes playlist (3): Animal Collective

2006-01-25T16:25:00.000-05:00

I just picked up Feels a couple of weeks ago. Damn are these fuckers weird, but in a good I want to contiunally listen to them kind of way. "Turn Into Something" (mp3).

Yankee Hotel Foxtrot

2006-01-24T15:43:00.000-05:00

My buddy (who I visisted this weekend) had a chance to move into the Marina City condos located on the river in Chicago. More importantly they are featured on the cover of Wilco's album Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. I yelled at him and said he was stupid, but in actuality he probably made the correct decision living wise because there are about 50 million places to go out within a three block radius of the place he now lives in. Anyway, I would have moved into the Marina City condos if I had the opportunity solely based on the fact that they were of the YHF cover, even if they weren't as nice as some other options, that's why I'm not very smart sometimes.

Cold

2006-01-20T11:10:00.000-05:00

Off to Chicago this weekend for drinking and cold weather. iTunes playlist (3) sometimes nexts weeks.

You SUCK!

2006-01-18T17:38:00.000-05:00

Where was the scene in episode 6 where Jar Jar Binks dies? Where was it George Lucas? First let me state the obvious here, the last 3 Star Wars movies episodes 4-6 were fucking horrible (not breaking news). I'm not some crazy Star Wars lunatic fan but I was born in the late 1970's, so the original Star Wars were awesome. Sure, I saw all of the new installments in the theaters but I haven't seen any of them since, nor do I or will I ever have the desire to again. Basically here were everyone's reactions to the three films...

Jar Jar Binks movie (walking out of the theater): "Why was there an annoying rastafarian alien in the movie, fuck that guy! Besides that I guess it was cool, the special effects were good, I guess."

Jar Jar Binks movie (one week after having seen it): "Dude, that movie really sucked bad didn't it. Fuck that Jamaican alien. The next one will be better."

Yoda fighting movie (waiting in line before the movie): "I heard Yoda fights in this movie? Sounds cool, I thought he could barely walk and had a cane? If that Binks dude is in this shit I'm getting a fucking refund...I'm not kidding...I will so do it, will to, just watch me!"

Yoda fighting movie (after walking out of the theater): "Was that good? Everyone says it was better than the first one? I'm confused here, I don't really think it was good. Yoda did flips and shit? Then he couldn't walk again? What was that shit when Darth Vader was rolling around in the grass like a pussy? I really think this movie may have had the worst dialogue of any movie ever."

Yoda fighting movie (one week after having seen it): "Fuck! Yoda fighting movie really sucked too! When does the next one come out? Two years, I guess I still have to go see it. It better be good."

Last one (a couple months before it's supposed to be released): "I heard it was supposed to be all dark and almost got an R rating. That sounds kinda cool."

Last one (after movie): "That was it?! That was the good one we'd been waiting for? Fuck this, Fuck you George Lucas. I hope Harrison Ford sees you and kicks your ass!"

Last one (should've been the reaction because of the changes to the film that I just made up): "Dooood, fucking awesome! When Darth Vader slit that Jar Jar dude's throat and drank his blood! Fucking classic! I can't believe we got to see Natalie Portman's tits! They're not that big, but still, fucking awesome! I really didn't see her that turn to lesbianism coming, totally blind-sided me."

I forgot about this post, but then I (unfortunately) remembered

2006-01-16T20:40:00.000-05:00

editor's note: This is a very "blue" post, I recommend that no females read it, because if they do, they probably will stop reading forever...and I don't want that to happen. So you've been warned, if offended by explicit sexually related reading material stop NOW!

Missionary style just not getting done anymore? Doggy-style all played out? 69 a bit of a bore these days? If you can answer yes to these questions, I'm here to help you out. I have three different, I'll call them "bedroom alternatives" that you and you're sweety can try out if the current sex is a bit boring. Warning number 2, one of these is highly stupid and the other two are highly stupid and a tad degrading. You STILL can stop reading (I'll also explain the picture).

1. The "Polish Hotdog": A couple of years ago I, along with a couple other friends, went out the Phoenix to visit a friend. We attended a Spring training game between the Cubs and Brewers. My friends and I were a bit drunk at the game, we were also a little delirious from the previous couple days of partying, then we saw the famed (not really famed, more like infamous since the Randall Simon incident a couple years back) Milwaukee Brewer sausage race. This sight was funny enough but for some reason when the announcer yelled..."and the Polish Hotdog pulls ahead and takes the lead!" myself along with another friend completely lost it (hysterics wise). I would say that within a minute of hearing that phrase the "Polish Hotdog" was born. The "Polish Hotdog" is a sexual move where the woman lays down on the bed naked (from the waist down at least) and presumably...you, or whoever, kind of mounts the woman on top of her ass. Next you slide your jimmy vertically between the woman's ass cheeks. You can perform this move w/o or "w/ sauerkraut". To this day I don't know, if this move had been performed in North America, it probably has been done in Germany or Asia though.

2. "The Sweetest Taboo" (a.k.a. The Molasses ass-fist): A couple of friends told me about this sex move they invented when on spring break in Key West, Fla. some years back. Still hilarious to this day, but this one takes much preparation...let me explain. First off, guys, if you really want to perform the "The Sweetest Taboo" you must hit up the tanning bad at least 5-6 times a week for a good two month period, you really need to look slightly Puerto Rican to pull this off. That means that a Clarke Gable pencil-thin mustache must be grown to accompany the tan. Next you have to go out and buy a while linen suit to wear with a matching hat (throw in a cane if you want to freestyle). Next get an industrial sized can of Molasses (one that you have to cut open with some sort of large can opener, I would suggest trying Sam's Club) and some surgical gloves. Last, but certainly not least, you'll need to get a copy of The Best of Sade, and you'll need a cd player also. Basically you'll just turn the cd to track #5 "The Sweetest Taboo", hit repeat, open up the can of molasses, put on the surgical glove, put your hand in the molasses, make a fist, shove your fist up your woman's ass. An important part in preparation for this is (and all of these moves) the participation of your wife/girlfriend. This maneuver could raise serious medical issues or flags or whatever, so if your girlfriend is a willing participant I'd suggest she enrolls in a yoga class and doesn't at any time consult a physician or any kind of medical professional to tell them of the plans for "The Sweetest Taboo". This has probably only been done in Germany.

3. "Chilli Dog": Ever heard of a "Cleveland Steamer"? Sure you have, this is similar, but much worse. My friends and I didn't invent this, but one of buddies told me about it and it's fucking gross, but definitely a "bedroom alternative". Like a steamer, you'll still need to take dump on your girlfriend's chest, but it has to be diarrhea or it doesn't really count, after this is done you simply titty-fuck your girlfriend. I recommend that you eat Mexican or Tex-Mex the night before.

editor's note (2): I myself have not or would not perform any of these moves...ever...my intent was not to endorse anything with this post, just to spread my knowledge that these degrading acts do indeed exist...although if someone actually pulled off "The Sweetest Taboo" I'd pay their bar tab for a weekend.

iTunes playlist (2): Ambulance LTD.

2006-01-14T16:49:00.000-05:00

Download the song Ophelia (mp3) from Ambulance LTD. I got a chance to see these guys this past October at The Earl, they put on a great live show and their self-titled freshman release is spectacular. Isn't the word spectacular just spectacular?

A Don Hughes/Johnny Ballon movie pitch (#6)

2006-01-11T18:51:00.000-05:00

DH: Let me cut right to the chase, we are so fucking huge now, it doesn't really matter what we do, whatever we attach our names to, the shit will sell.
JB: Fucking cash money. I've always wanted to get to the point in my career where I could just phone it in. Finally we've arrived.
DH: I mean I had faith in Da Hamsteer: Ya Be Wishin I Be Feral Mon I mean it's a fucking genius concept, but box office records and Golden Globe nominations? I mean shit, we can fucking phone it in now.
JB: Yeah I mean I thought that movie would sell but I never thought that the Hamster would be the front runner for the best actor. Sure, Heath Ledger playing a gay cowboy, a good job, a decent acting stretch, but a murderous voodoo hamster? That's a stretch folks, what an emotional performance. I should say performances, seeing as 300 or so Hamsters died during filming, but that award should go toward there cute furry memory, and towards my bank account.
DH: We are batting a perfect 5/5, all hits...no flops. Jerry Bruckheimer can park my fucking car if he wants to. I'm like Walt Disney w/o the Nazi underpinnings. Yesterday I woke up at 3:30 in the afternoon, kicked the two hookers out of my house from the previous night, ordered a crate of fresh Maine lobster to the house, took 4 vicodin, met with a feng shui advisor for half an hour, hosted a Scientology meeting, skipped an appointment with Bob Weinstein...fuck him, had my Limo-driver drive me to a Limo store where I bought a larger limo I fired my driver on the spot and paid one of the sales men there 10 grand on the spot to drive me back home, got home drank two bottles of Cristol and did a bunch of coke, called an escort service and ordered over 15 girls to be at my place within the hour, the chicks came over we did a bunch more coke and I played "Girls on Film" on repeat the entire time until I finally threw up on this Latin chick after I attempted to snort caviar, I turned off the music and kicked everyone out, I then masturbated to "Saved by the Bell" reruns until I passed out. I think that says it all.
JB: I haven't woke up before 9:30 pm for the last two months. If I even see the color purple, the actual color not the movie, although seeing the movie would piss me off too, I punch the first person I see in the face. I'm fucking a chick who claims she's a vampire, she only responds to
Nosferatu...I'm so fucked up right now I bought a laundry mat and fired everyone who worked there...why?...who the fuck knows, why the fuck not. I was out at dinner the other night with a bunch of industry types and I pissed in my soup, in front of everyone at the table...I got a standing ovation.
DH: Living the American dream...on to the movie I guess. Like it fucking matters now, already phoned in. Do we have anything? What do we have?
JB: I thought you had something? No? Ahhh fuck it, ummm, what's hot on TV?
DH: Survivor still pulls them in no?
JB: Shit yeah! There you go, boom, Survivor the movie. We phone it in and still come up with fucking gold I tell you.
DH: It's almost a curse. Let's get a bunch of B and C list actors out on an island, Survivor's the one with the island and shit, correct?
JB: Pretty sure, I like where you're headed with this. We can probably get Shelley Long, DB Sweeney, The Corey's, Emilio Estevez, Molly Ringwald, shit, the whole cast of Breakfast Club. Kadeem Hardisson, Matthew Modine, Martha Plimpton, David Schwimmer, and probably the rest of the "Friend's" cast except for Anniston. Good to go.
DH: Great, instead them getting kicked off the island do you think we can kill them off? Fuck it, we'll let legal worry about that. The winner gets their career back.
JB: Sounds great. I'm off to luau at George Clooney's place.
DH: Cool, I'm off to a...well, let's call it a "thing" at Richard Gere's. He fucking adored Da Hampsteer.

editor's note: Da Hamsteer pitch is about half way down the page. So fucking money.

We're about to win! What to do next?

2006-01-09T20:22:00.000-05:00

Let's go ahead and pour a gatorade cooler on the coach! Yeah, that would be great!...........Let me stop here. Why the fuck do football teams still engage in this ludicrous celebration. It's unoriginal and an overly dumb thing to do to someone who just helped you win something. Getting wet when fully clothed sucks, if I was a coach I'd blow every single important game on purpose just so I wouldn't get the "Gatorade Shower". I don't know about you guys, but I personally fucking hate it when my socks get wet. Obviously football players don't really like to think outside the box since this ritual has been going on for about 20 years or so. I really think there needs to be a change in the celebration. I guess the humiliation factor must stay intact (hey, I didn't invent the rules, I just have to live by them) so w/o further ado, here are some new possible celebration routines...

1. Throw a football in the coach's face as hard as possible.
2. Pour a POWERADE cooler on the coach....Oh, boy, that would just be, just be, like, CRAZY!
3. Actually fill up half a cup with original Lemon-Lime Gatorade and fill the other half up with piss. Then go over to the coach tell him he looks thirsty, after he drinks it and spits it out shout, "I love you you crazy son-of-a-bitch!"
4. Start to strangle the coach with the chain on the 10-yard marker.
5. Send up an player (one that the coach has been hard on for the entire season) into the stands with a loaded gun to accost one of the coach's family members (preferably wife, or first born). Have the player shove the gun in the family member's mouth (the coach would have been alerted by now to the situation) then yell, "I'm going to kill your wife! I'm going to do it! I should have started this year! Ahhh, shit ni**a, I'm just kidding. We won, you ain't even have to get wet now!" Do not alert the family member that this is a joke before hand.
6. Have the secondary gang-bang the coach's hot 18-year old daughter and send him the video tape after the season.
7. Have the team mascot assault the coach Tanya Harding style with a pipe and shit.
8. Take a bunch of side-line chalk and blow it in the coach's eyes.
9. Have the team physician tell the coach that "the results" just came back and he only has two weeks to live.
10. PILE-ON COACH!

editor's note: For #5 make sure the gun is loaded for maximum zinger effect.

A Tribe Called Quest..."Hot Sex"...#1

2006-01-07T15:11:00.000-05:00

I created a pretty decent iTunes playlist (in my opinion). I put one song a piece from each of my favorite musical groups. The only stipulation I had while forming the list was that it couldn't be an obvious song by the group (read: overly popular). Some of my selections actually may be overly popular but I at least tried. Also, I'm trying the file-hosting you-send-it for the first time, hopefully it'll all work out. First off is "Hot Sex"(mp3) from every white person's favorite rap group A Tribe Called Quest. Seriously though, these dudes rule. "Hot Sex" was originally off of the Boomerang soundtrack (I don't own this soundtrack I just found this out, you learn something new every day). It can also be found on Anthology (that's where I found it). Well, shit, let's see how this works. If this does work, I'll do one a week.

editor's note: If you are a member of ATCQ or one of their lawyers please don't sue me. I seriously doubt that you'd be reading this blog, but if by chance you are and are not amused please send me an e-mail at cultgoespop@gmail.com and the shit will disappear.

NO HE DiiiINT...Yes, he's about to...

2006-01-07T11:56:00.000-05:00

Ok, this is the post some (not many) but some of you have been waiting for (actually this is the post leading up to THE POST, this posting issue will take two posts, it's that monumental). First things first, when I started blogging I had all of these ideas of shit to blog about. I quickly threw most of those ideas out of the window and did much freestyling. Anyway, this post in particular is one of the original ideas that I put off for seven or so months, no longer. This post is to inform you about the original Ghost and the Darkness story (not about the stupid lions but about how we laughed at our friend...you'll see) and why I must re-watch and do a review of this cinematic landmark. GITD (which is the new slang, has been the new slang for years) backstory...

Back in high school a couple of friends and I went to see the movie Air Force Once. We were all just shooting the shit talking about other movies that we liked. Then out of nowhere, it happened, one of my friends said...

him: "Hey guys, you know what movie I really like? Ghost and the Darkness."
us: "Yeah dude, whatever, pretty funny."
him: "What do you mean?"
us: "You mean, you really like GITD? You can't be serious?"
him: "Yeah, I thought it was really good."

The next 20 minutes were spent in hysterical side-splitting laughter. The type of laughter where people look at you like you're insane. People around us in the theater started to get really pissed off at us when Air Force One started and we hadn't stopped laughing...loudly. Why was I laughing myself to the point of tears in the scene where Gary Oldman repeatedly slams Harrison Ford into a cabinet? You guessed it, because over an hour earlier my friend said that he like the movie GITD. Maybe we (me in particular) were a bit harsh on our buddy? Probably not, just to make sure I'm going to rent and watch GITD tonight and do a movie review of sorts. Be looking for the post sometime tomorrow.

editor's note: Why all the fuss over GITD you ask? Actually if you have to ask, you haven't seen the movie. This is not an exaggeration, it is the worst movie I've ever seen, worse than Blue Chips...I'm not kidding...this is not hyperbole. Don't worry about me, I have some left over new year's vodka to help pull me through tonight. Also, CD, this is in good fun, don't get mad, if you want to write a guest post on the merits of GITD, you are more than welcome to.

Schizophrenia

2006-01-06T12:01:00.000-05:00

A shining light, a beacon on the hill. I am all things to all people. Be an individual, be unique, drink me.

cherry: Oh my god, it fucking hurts! It hurts so fucking bad! This is excruciating!
vanilla: I can't believe I have to associate with your types. Shut-up cherry!
diet: Bad, unhealthy, you're all unhealthy. Am I fat? Have I put on weight?
dr. pepper: Who the fuck are you people? Marauders at the gate of the late inter-galactic cola wars? I am true? I am original.
vanilla: Give me a break. I'm vanilla! You think I want to be intermingling here? This is a definite demotion from ice cream and shakes. Let's just hope someone drinks us soon, so this abortion can be put to an end.
diet: Vanilla, you're fattening?! I can't live like this. I'm going for a jog.
cherry: (making unholy noises)
vanilla: Oh my god cherry. Would you shut the fuck up?
dr. pepper: I am me? Am I me? This is mr. pibb isn't it? You're trying to get to me. Hostile take-over. The years of espionage have finally worked? No? I can hear you you bastard. I'll fight to the death. YOU"LL NEVER TAKE MY FREEDOM!!!!
vanilla: Fuck me! We've been here for a minute and someone's already quoting Braveheart. If I ever get my hands on the senior marketing executive who came up with this idea...I'll give him constipation or something. I don't really have to many options here people, I'm vanilla. I'll be here all week.
cherry: Suicide! I pray for death!

editor's note: Sadly, no one ever drank the Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, seeing as it is a horrible product that tastes like shit, and an example of LowestCommonDenominator marketing.

"Vineland" an excerpt

2006-01-05T19:41:00.000-05:00

On the screen, the weather crew had fallen queerly silent. At first Frensei wondered if the sound had gone out, but then one of them laughed nervously and the others joined in. It would happen again before suddenly, unannounced, a preacher with a hand mike, in front of a great luminous cross, appeared on the screen in stylishly long sideburns and a leisure suit of some lurid brick-colored synthetic. "Looks like we're in the hands of Jesus again," he announced. "Someday, with the right man in the White House, there will be a department of Jesus, yes and a secretary of Jesus, and he'll be talking to you all, on a nationwide hookup, instead of this old ignoramous from the piney woods. No friends, I'm no expert, wouldn't know a suction vortex if it walked up and said bless you brother- ah but I do know how men of Science measure tornadoes, and that's on what they call the Fujita Intensity Scale. But folks, maybe today that name should be Fu-Jesus..."

editor's note: Vineland (published 1990). Scarey shit indeed.

Love/Hate/actually just love

2006-01-05T14:27:00.000-05:00

More like love, but hate today a little, maybe. I love...LOVE to gamble. This post though is as much for me as it is for you. It should be titled "Why I should stop gambling on sports and really stop gambling in general." Never ever happen, but gambling is a losing endeavor, this is why winning at gambling is such a rush, the odds are stacked against you (even if you know what you're doing, which most people don't, I'll explain). I'm going to take you through the four games of chance that I like to play most and rank them in order of "skill" or what I'm best at. I'll give you some tips along the way and career gambling highlights of mine, and why I shouldn't really gamble at this game. The reason I'm writing this post is because of the bad end to the college football (read: major sports gambling time of the year) season. Ok, here we go...

1. BlackJack: Everyone has played Blackjack before, the problem is that about 80% of the people who I still see play in casinos with their actual hard earned money still have no clue how to play correctly. Most people know the correct hit and stand procedures (I'm being generous here I've almost punched someone before b/c they got indignant about the fact that they knew how to play when in actuality they were fucking clueless, if you have a donkey at your table my best advice is to quickly get up and leave) but they have no idea when to split cards or when to correctly double down. If you are going to Vegas and plan on playing blackjack please read the book Casino Games by John Gollehon. It is invaluable if you plan on spending serious time in the casino (which I always do, I spend serious serious time actually gambling when I go to Vegas, meaning parked in front of table or looking for another table to park myself in front of...Advice from the Gollehon the longer you spend gambling the more likely it is that you will lose...I'm a sadist). After learning "Basic Strategy" (memorize the charts and always... I mean always, follow them) you will find out that the casino still has about 51 to 49 percent advantage over the player, meaning that the most important rule when playing blackjack (or any casino game for that matter) is that you are going to lose. Do not expect to go to Vegas to win money, it doesn't happen very often. Gambling is "Adult Entertainment". Too many people get pissed off after the dealer hits four consecutive blackjacks, these same people get too excited after they double down and hit a blackjack. A key to winning at blackjack is controlling your emotions, try to stay even keel, this will help you from making foolish bets (never press your bets during a losing session ALSO the player is never ever ever "due"). I have a new blackjack motto that I kind of gained on my last trip to New Orleans (pre-Katrina) I declared that I was there to "Push" all of my buddies laughed at me, but it's true if I can break even I'd be happy every time. I won about 1,500 dollars two years ago in Vegas playing mainly blackjack (this is before I learned how to play craps). I sat down at a 25$ table (Golden Nugget) b/c there was a hot porn star looking chick there in a Kangol hat. 30 minutes later I was up about $600, I was the only person still playing at the table mano y mano with the dealer. I yelled at the bit boss b/c the cocktail waitress didn't come by once to our table and I didn't tip the dealer b/c he was a prick. I then proceeded over to a $10 table with my buddies, we managed to play for 8 straight hours and I picked up another $600 or so. I should have won more this trip but I kind of bet like a puss, my goal was to win enough money for an iPod, I easily achieved that goal, but would have won a lot more if I hadn't set that pre-trip goal. Also, everyone thinks they can count cards, they are totally wrong.

2. Craps: Easily the most fun game in the casino. Also a much easier game to play than blackjack. The problem is that people get intimidated by the action of the game so they don't really like to try to learn. They then go play blackjack incorrectly and still lose money. Only need to know three simple bets in craps the passline bet, odds bet, and the come bet (craps, if played correctly, gives the player the best odds of winning in the casino, the only problem is that often times you have a lot of money in play and can lose ultra quick). Read the Gollehon book, it has an excellent section on craps too. The problem with craps is that you can lose money super fast, super duper scary fast. Before plunking down your money at a table I advise to watch some of the action for at least 15-20 minutes to see if the table is hot or cold. Too many people walk up put down money on a cold table and walk away five minutes later pissed off and broke. This is too bad, craps is the most fun game in the casino there is a camaraderie amoungst the players not seen in other casino games (also blackjack just gets really boring after a while). This last March at frequent commenter chili drip's bachelor party I was playing some $10 craps by myself at Tropicana (sadly I always play craps by myself, most of my buddies don't really play, no bothers though I'm enough of a gamble holic to play all by myself for long extended periods of time). In twenty minutes I was up around $650, the table was smoking hot for about a 15 minute period. The table quickly cooled in the next 5 minutes and I walked about $450 up. If the table would have stayed hot for another twenty minutes I would have been up no less than $4,000 guaranteed (I was just starting to push my bets when it went cold). Easily the most exhilarating gambling moment of my life. Craps provides thrills that blackjack never could.

3. Poker: Poker takes practice and patience. The great thing about poker is that people can actually win money consistently, the only form of gambling where this is the case. I play a couple of times a month and am not all that great. I play too loose, I tend to get bored about after 3-4 hours of play and over-play my hands. I still find this to be enjoyable but I don't really have the talent to do much with it over the long haul. Also, when in Vegas I'm way too busy doing other gambling (read #'s 1 & 2, amoungst other things) to even stop and think about playing cards. I did win $1,100 a couple of years ago in a tournament, I played well at the final table and got lucky a couple of times. I'm still in the lower echelon of players in the game that I frequent.

4. Sports Betting: Here is my water-loo, I really suck at sports betting. I guess I don't totally suck (I put in $200 in an on-line account over two years ago and I have $100 left of the original investment. I was at one point down to a mere $10 in my account. I lost $40 last night and $80 in the past three days) but I'm very frustrated with the whole thing. The thing about betting on sports is that I really have no control over the outcome. At least in blackjack, craps, or poker I have an ability to make a decision that will positively or negatively effect my potential outcome. In sports I obviously can't do this. I have no strategy when betting sports, I think to myself, "Oh man, Vince Young is over-rated. He can't even fucking throw right. Look at his release point. I'm banging the Trojans!" I, of course, haven't even seen Vince play a game I for some reason just think that he sucks. Damn was I wrong. The problem is this skewed logic happens to me too often in sports betting. The other thing that happens is that I get extremely upset watching these games I bet on. I have no control, so I get pissed off when players make stupid plays or an official blows a call. Maybe I should just cash out the $100 I have left in the account? No fucking way man! Duke vs. UConn a couple of years back. I pumped Duke +2 for 50 bones. I did this because I thought Emeka Okafur (NBA rookie of the year last year) was over-rated. Duke is winning the whole game, UConn comes back the last couple of minutes and takes control of the game...they are up by 4 with 3 seconds left...Chris Duhon has the ball and is dribbling down the court, he knows that Duke can't win...Duhon throws up a meaningless half court shot (it looks like he's not even trying to make the shot) and somehow it banks in and Duke covers. I run around my friends house screaming like I won the lottery.

editor's note: I added the "actually just love" part the heading of the post after I finished writing this.

Wilco, live

2006-01-02T21:55:00.000-05:00

Here is the live video for "Kicking Televison"off Wilco's great double live album Kicking Televison. I am not a happy camper right now (so I decided to post), a great college football season is crashing and burning today in front of my eyes. The FightingIrish of Notre Dame were disposed of by the Buckeyes of Ohio State, and the BullDawgs of Georgia forgot that they had to play a football game today seeing as they are getting killed by the Mountaineers of West Virgina. I fucking hate WV too, worst state in the union, although I am taking little comfort in that fact right now.